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V[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things; I'll pick you up when you're done.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay. I-I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.\u000aAngelo:   Hey, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.\u000aAngelo:   I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in hospital. He's pretty sick.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio is in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?\u000aAngelo:   I could cut it for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my haircut by Mr. D'Onofrio.\u000a[to Leonard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You believe this guy?
p1
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
p2
aVPenny:   You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.
p3
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What about Supercuts?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
p4
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...\u000a[pauses]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.
p5
aVPenny:   So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [long pause] Hm.\u000aPenny:   Well, is it or isn't it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...\u000aPenny:   Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Like I said, complicated game.\u000aPenny:   So did I win or not?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [coming in] Hello.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey.\u000aPenny:   Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?\u000aPenny:   Okay, what just happened?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.
p6
aVPenny:   Sweetie, are you all right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.\u000aPenny:   Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, explain it to her.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh. Uh, he's crazy.
p7
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I think this could be good for you. Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right. I should embrace the chaos.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Great! What are you gonna do first?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster.\u000a[hammers his hand at the table]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
p8
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [waking up by hearing rhythm sounds] Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please, don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.\u000a[gets up, walks into the living room]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [playing bongos, "sings" to the rhythms] Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sings] Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I was sleeping!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sings] Leonard sleeps while I play bongos!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, he doesn't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sings] Leonard no sleep while I play bongos! Bongo solo!\u000a[plays wilder]
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aVPenny:   Why did you get bongos?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.\u000aPenny:   Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!
p10
aVPenny:   Where are you going?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wherever the music takes me, kitten.
p11
aVSheldon Cooper:  [sings off screen] I play bongos walking down the stairs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [falls] Oh! Oh!\u000a[Penny looks freaked and worried at the same time]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [continues singing] Never play bongos walking down the stairs!
p12
aVPenny:   All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.\u000aPenny:   All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm sorry, what?\u000aPenny:   It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, what do you think?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
p13
aVSheldon Cooper:   To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a nephew.
p14
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day - but all my efforts: our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet - it's clear now; I've been wasting my time.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
p15
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.\u000a[Sheldon sits down and Angelo starts preparations to cut his hair]\u000aAngelo:   So my kid did the funniest thing today...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000a[Stands up and walks out]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Angelo] When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
p16
aVPenny:  [Penny is cutting Sheldon's hair] Almost done.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At the end of the haircut, Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.\u000aPenny:   Well, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's okay, I never understood them anyway.
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aV[last lines]\u000aPenny:   Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay.\u000a[Sheldon jerks and laughs]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.\u000aPenny:   Okay.\u000a[Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head]\u000aPenny:   Okay, yup, we're all done now.\u000a[grabs the hand mirror]\u000aPenny:   Let me just take that away from you.\u000a[removes towel from his shoulders]\u000aPenny:   Okay.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you very much.\u000aPenny:   You are welcome.\u000a[Sheldon leaves]\u000aPenny:   Yup, I'm going to have to move.
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aVSheldon:  [singing] I play bongos, walkin' down the stairs.\u000aSheldon:  [He falls] Oh, ow!\u000aSheldon:  [singing] Never play bongos walkin' down the stairs.
p19
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Codpiece Topology (#2.2)"(2008)Sheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You mean like Spock?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:  [shrugs] Sure.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fascinating.
p20
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
p21
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
p22
aVLeslie Winkle:   Hello, dummy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   Ooh, rush me to the burn unit.
p23
aVPenny:   Why don't you go to a movie?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Alone?\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?\u000aPenny:   So, don't buy popcorn.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!
p24
aVSheldon Cooper:   Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
p25
aVSheldon Cooper:   My God, they can't expect to put Ye Olde in front of anything they want and get away with it.
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aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You were holding back?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Out of courtesy, yes.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   What about the ten years before Penny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, I've date plenty of women.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Like who?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".
p27
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If we were, the food would be better.
p28
aVSheldon Cooper:   Look on the bright side.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What bright side?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Only nine more months until ComicCon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [smiling] Oh, yeah.
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aVSheldon Cooper:  [Referring to their Renaissance Fair costumes] I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You went out and bought linen?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Borrowed?
p30
aVRajesh Koothrappali:   I think she's smoking hot.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'd hit that!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.\u000a[Wolowitz looks at him for clarification]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mud.
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aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date] Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
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aVSheldon Cooper:   If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?\u000aPenny:   Because love trumps hate.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, now you're just making stuff up!
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aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?\u000a[Presses buttons frantically]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!
p34
aVPenny:   Why don't you see a movie or something?\u000aSheldon:   Alone?\u000aPenny:   Yeah, why not?\u000aSheldon:   What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?\u000aPenny:   Well, then don't order popcorn.\u000aSheldon:   No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.
p35
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.\u000aPenny:   Your arch-enemy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...\u000aPenny:   Okay, I get it, I get it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees.
p36
aVSheldon:   Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
p37
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What's so unusual about me having a date?\u000aSheldon:   Well, statistically speaking...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.\u000aSheldon:   Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
p38
aV"The Big Bang Theory: Pilot (#1.1)"(2007)Sheldon:   But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?\u000aLeonard:   I'm sure she'll still love him.\u000aSheldon:   I wouldn't.
p39
aVLeonard:   So, tell us about you.\u000aPenny:   Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.\u000aSheldon:   Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.\u000aPenny:  [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?\u000aLeonard:  [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.\u000aPenny:   Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.
p40
aVPenny:   Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!\u000aSheldon:   It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?
p41
aVSheldon:   If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
p42
aVLeonard:   Should we have invited her for lunch?\u000aSheldon:   No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.\u000aLeonard:   We already watched the season two DVDs.\u000aSheldon:   Not with commentary.
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aVSheldon:   Leonard has a lady over.\u000aWolowitz:   Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?
p44
aVLeonard:   Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.\u000a[two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens]\u000aSheldon:   What do you think their combined IQ is?
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aVLeonard:  [discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.\u000aSheldon:   I didn't invent them. They're there.\u000aLeonard:   In what universe?\u000aSheldon:   In *all* of them, that is the point!
p46
aVSheldon:   Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?\u000aLeonard:   Not really.\u000aSheldon:  [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.\u000aLeonard:   I don't care.\u000a[thinks about it]\u000aLeonard:   Two milli - that doesn't seem right.\u000aSheldon:   It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.\u000aLeonard:   Is that why they sent you to boarding school?\u000aSheldon:   No - that was the result of my work with lasers.
p47
aVPenny:   So, what do you guys do for fun around here?\u000aSheldon:   Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
p48
aVSheldon:   You're not done with her, are you?\u000aLeonard:   Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.\u000aSheldon:   Not to mention imaginary.
p49
aVLeonard:   Oh, I love cheesecake.\u000aSheldon:   You're lactose intolerant.\u000aLeonard:   I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.
p50
aVSheldon:   I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.
p51
aVSheldon:   Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.\u000aPenny:   So sit next to me.\u000aSheldon:   No, I sit there.\u000aPenny:   What's the difference?\u000aSheldon:   What's the difference?\u000aLeonard:   Here we go.\u000aSheldon:   In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.
p52
aVLeonard:   We need to widen our circle.\u000aSheldon:   I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.\u000aLeonard:   Yes, and you've never met one of them.\u000aSheldon:   That's the beauty of it.
p53
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon:   So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.\u000aLeonard:   Agreed. What's your point?\u000aSheldon:   It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.
p54
aVLeonard:   We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.\u000aSheldon:   Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
p55
aVSheldon:   I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.\u000aLeonard:   Must we?\u000aSheldon:   Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?\u000aLeonard:   She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon:   Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.\u000aLeonard:   Which is?\u000aSheldon:   You think with your penis.
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aVPenny:   Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.\u000aLeonard:   Our shower works.\u000aPenny:   Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?\u000aSheldon:   Yes.\u000aLeonard:   No.\u000aSheldon:   No?\u000aLeonard:   No.\u000aSheldon:   No.
p57
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)"(2008)[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.
p58
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, Leonard, Leonard\u000a[whilst knocking]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tell me what you see here?\u000a[showing Leonard the laptop]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
p59
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Give me one good reason why not.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because this is not Star Trek!
p60
aVSheldon Cooper:   Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.\u000aPenny:   Well, what about me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The statement stands for itself.
p61
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.\u000a[long pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?\u000aStephanie:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good. What's your favorite fruit?\u000aStephanie:   Eh, uh... Strawberries.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Technically not a fruit, but all right.
p62
aVSheldon Cooper:   Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:  [to Howard] You told me you were going to have the talk with him.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
p63
aVSheldon:   If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!\u000aLeonard:   What landing party?\u000aSheldon:   You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!
p64
aVSheldon:   This is bananabread.\u000aPenny:   This is a doorknob.
p65
aVSheldon:   I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.\u000aLeonard:   What invitation?\u000aSheldon:  [reads note] "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.\u000aLeonard:   Oh clearly, I could have.
p66
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12] In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"
p67
aVPenny:   Leonard, congratulations.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What for?\u000aPenny:   Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What? No... No, that's not right.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.\u000aPenny:   Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.\u000aPenny:   Well, then who did?\u000a[Everybody looks at Sheldon]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I had no choice; he cried in front of her.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You hacked my Facebook account?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".
p68
aVSheldon:  [Knock, knock, knock] Penny.\u000a[Knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon:   Penny...\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon:  [Knock, knock, knock] Penny. Zucchini bread.\u000aPenny:   Ooh. Thank you!\u000aSheldon:   May I come in?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon:   Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.\u000aPenny:   Aw, thank you.\u000aSheldon:   So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon:   I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...\u000aSheldon:  [Penny slams door on his face] Clearly I'm 14 days too early.
p69
aVSheldon Cooper:  [seeing the mess in Penny's apartment] Were you robbed?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [looking around] How can you be sure?
p70
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny! Hello.\u000aPenny:   Hey, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What is shaking?\u000aPenny:  [pause] I'm sorry?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?\u000aPenny:   Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?\u000aPenny:   Please don't do that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.\u000aPenny:   So this *wasn't* the awkward part?
p71
aVPenny:   OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.\u000a[sighs heavily]\u000aPenny:   We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?
p72
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [yelling] Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In which I am not...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't even!
p73
aVSheldon Cooper:   Wait here. I'll find us seats.\u000aStephanie:   Oh, no, we have seats.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [wearily] Not the right seats.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [loudly] Ha. Ha. Ha.\u000aStephanie:   What is he doing?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [unenthused] He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [having changed seats] Ha.\u000aStephanie:   Does he always do this?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.
p74
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Algorithm (#2.13)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   Kripke!\u000aBarry Kripke:   Yeah?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?\u000aBarry Kripke:   I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?\u000aBarry Kripke:  [sarcastically] Yeah, I'll do that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Raj, Howard and Leonard] Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.
p75
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's insane on the face of it.
p76
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?\u000aJeremy:   Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.\u000aJeremy:   Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, I love trains!\u000aJeremy:   I bet you do.
p77
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you mean?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I *did* learn how to swim.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   On the floor.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Then why learn how to swim?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.
p78
aVSheldon Cooper:   I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.
p79
aVBarry Kripke:   You afwaid of heights,Cooper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
p80
aV[first lines]\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's extracted from the plant...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.\u000a[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...\u000a[at lightning speed]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.\u000a[takes a drink]\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Feel better now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.\u000a[to Leonard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
p81
aVSheldon Cooper:   That's where I sit.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How much time you got?
p82
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, what are you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?\u000aRebecca:   Rebecca.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We were really hitting it off.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't look up, there's cameras.
p83
aV[Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard] Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?
p84
aVSheldon Cooper:  [studying rock-climbing wall] This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
p85
aVBarry Kripke:   You all wight there, Cooper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Are you saying you're stuck?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?
p86
aVSheldon Cooper:   Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I answered every question, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, you picked up on that, huh?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, wait... How could I not?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hold on. I put some real work into that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.\u000a[Sheldon looks offended]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I don't see how you could.
p87
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.\u000aPenny:   Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.\u000aPenny:   Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.\u000aPenny:   Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.\u000aPenny:  [sarcastically] Thanks, pal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You got it, buddy.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?
p88
aVSheldon Cooper:  [looking through children's books on making friends] All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.
p89
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Stu the Cockatoo?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.
p90
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
p91
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Luminous Fish Effect (#1.4)"(2007)Mary:   Honey, why did you get a loom?\u000aSheldon:   I was working with luminous fish and I thought... hey. Loom.
p92
aVLeonard:   Howard brought a date?\u000aSheldon:   A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.
p93
aVSheldon:   I can't believe he fired me.\u000aLeonard:   Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.\u000aSheldon:   In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."
p94
aVPenny:   How come you didn't go into work today?\u000aSheldon:   I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.\u000aPenny:   So you got canned, huh?\u000aSheldon:   Theoretical physicists do not get canned... but, yeah.
p95
aVSheldon:   Mom, what are you doing here?\u000aMary:   Leonard called me.\u000aSheldon:   I know, but why?\u000aLeonard:   Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.\u000aSheldon:   This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!
p96
aVSheldon:   The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.\u000aLeonard:   Yes, I was there.\u000aSheldon:   Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?\u000aLeonard:   What?\u000aSheldon:   Nothing.
p97
aVLeonard:   Hey, how did it go?\u000aSheldon:   I got my job back.\u000aLeonard:   Really? What happened?\u000aSheldon:   I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.\u000aLeonard:   That narrows it down.
p98
aVMary:   You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?\u000aSheldon:   Yes.\u000aMary:  [Opens Sheldon's wardrobe and starts to get his clothes out] Well, I'm done fishing.
p99
aVPenny:   When one door closes another one opens.\u000aSheldon:   No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
p100
aVMary:   I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.\u000aSheldon:   Why?\u000aMary:   Because people don't like it!
p101
aVLeonard:   So... fish.\u000aSheldon:   I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.
p102
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon:   You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.\u000aLeonard:   Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?\u000aSheldon:   Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.\u000aLeonard:   Interesting.\u000aSheldon:   Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
p103
aVSheldon:  [reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser] As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.
p104
aVSheldon:   The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.\u000aPenny:   Mm, interesting.\u000aSheldon:   Isn't it?\u000aPenny:   No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
p105
aV[last lines]\u000aMary:  [tucking Sheldon into bed] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.\u000aSheldon:   Thanks, Mom.\u000a[she starts to leave]\u000aSheldon:   Mom.\u000aMary:   Mm-hm?\u000aSheldon:   Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?\u000aMary:   We'll see. Sleep tight.
p106
aVLeonard:   Here comes our new boss. Be polite.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:  [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Howard. Nice to meet you.\u000a[turning to Sheldon]\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   And you are?\u000aSheldon:  [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.\u000a[turning to Leonard]\u000aSheldon:   How was that?
p107
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bat Jar Conjecture (#1.13)"(2008)Sheldon:   What rat have you recruited to the U.S.S. Sinking Ship?\u000aLeslie Winkle:   Hello, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon:   Leslie Winkle.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   Yeah. Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"\u000aSheldon:   Yes, well... I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.\u000aLeslie Winkle:  [sarcastically] Oh, ouch.
p108
aVLeonard:  [Sheldon tries to sit on the couch] Sorry, somebody is sitting there.\u000aSheldon:   Who?\u000aLeonard:  [triumphantly] My physics bowl trophy!\u000aSheldon:   That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.\u000aLeonard:   I know someone who would disagree.\u000aSheldon:   Who?\u000aLeonard:  [triumphantly louder] My physics bowl trophy!\u000aLeonard:  [trophy is "speaking"] Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?
p109
aVDmitri:  [Dmitri rings in on the final question in the physics bowl] The answer is minus eight pi alpha.\u000aSheldon:   Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer! What are you doing?\u000aDmitri:  [wearily] Answering question; winning physics bowl.\u000aSheldon:   How do *you* know anything about physics?\u000aDmitri:   Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.
p110
aVSheldon:   You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
p111
aVLeonard:   Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   ...outweigh the needs of the few...\u000aSheldon:   ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.\u000a[does Vulcan salute]
p112
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Maybe I should answer the engineering questions. I am an engineer, after all.\u000aSheldon:   By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
p113
aVSheldon:   Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.\u000aLeonard:   Thanks for the heads up.\u000aSheldon:   You're welcome. One more thing.\u000aLeonard:   Yes?\u000aSheldon:   It's on, bitch!
p114
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.\u000aSheldon:   Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.\u000aLeonard:   Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".
p115
aVSheldon:  [discussing their team name for the Physics Bowl] Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Then we could be the "Bengal Tigers."\u000aSheldon:   Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
p116
aVLeonard:   Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.\u000aSheldon:   Why?\u000aPenny:   Because it's polite.\u000aSheldon:   What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?\u000aPenny:   Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.
p117
aVPenny:   Tweety bird tawt he taw a what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Romulan.\u000aPenny:  [sarcastically] Yes, he tawt he taw a Romulan.
p118
aVDr. Eric Gablehauser:   First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?\u000a[Leonard and Sheldon ring in]\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   PMS?\u000aLeonard:   The eta meson.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Correct.\u000a[the audience applauds]\u000aSheldon:   Formal protest.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   On what grounds?\u000aSheldon:   The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Denied.
p119
aVLeonard:   Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?\u000aSheldon:   I don't understand the question.
p120
aVSheldon:   The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Some of us might have the correct answers, too.\u000aSheldon:  [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!\u000aLeonard:   Howard, sit down.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [sitting down submissively] Okay.
p121
aVDr. Eric Gablehauser:   AA, I need your official answer.\u000aSheldon:  [regarding Dmitri ringing in] Well, it's not what he said.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Than what is it?\u000aSheldon:   I want a different question.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   You can't have a different question.\u000aSheldon:   Formal protest.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Denied.\u000aSheldon:   Informal protest.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Denied. I need your official answer.\u000aSheldon:   No. I decline to provide one.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.\u000aSheldon:   That's your opinion.
p122
aVLeslie Winkle:  [Sheldon learns that Leslie is replacing him as a team member in a physics competition] Yeah, Leslie Winkle, the answer to the question, 'Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?'\u000aSheldon:   Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me and returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   Oh, ouch\u000a[with much sarcasm]
p123
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon is trying to teach Penny about physics, but she's having a rough go of it] Why are you crying?\u000aPenny:   Because I'm stupid!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.
p124
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Penny,Raj Koothrappali:  [as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot] No!\u000aBernadette:   What?\u000aPenny:   Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.\u000aBernadette:   Why not?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's where Sheldon sits.\u000aBernadette:   He can't sit somewhere else?\u000a[from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way]\u000aPenny:   Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Perhaps there's hope for you after all.
p125
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Hey, Leonard. Check this out.\u000a[Throws a dumpling up in the air and catches it with her mouth]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, she's doing it again.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution.\u000a[Turns to Raj]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is essentially why you have famine in India.\u000a[Raj shakes his head no at Penny]\u000aPenny:  [Mouth open so the dumpling is visible] You want me to put it back?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
p126
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard's work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing Lima beans in wet paper towels.\u000a[Raj whispers in Sheldon's ear]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   While I appreciate the "Oh, snap!", I'm uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
p127
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after Raj beats him on Mario Kart] That's not fair! I got stuck behind a tree.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   And a cow, and a penguin. Face it dude. Whether it's a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can't drive.
p128
aVSheldon Cooper:   Why can't Leonard teach you?\u000aPenny:   'Cause I want to surprise him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.
p129
aVSheldon Cooper:   Subject appears well rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance *is* bliss.
p130
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is the beginning of the twenty-six hundred year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks, through Isaac Newton, to Niels Bohr, to Erwin Schrödinger, to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
p131
aVSheldon Cooper:   And what do we know from this?\u000aPenny:   Um. We know that... Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh, is that where Fig Newtons come from?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don't write that down!
p132
aVPenny:   Look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff, and can you just tell me what Leonard does?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.\u000aPenny:   Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not. That's why Leonard does it.
p133
aVPenny:   Oh, come on, a smart guy like you; it'll be a challenge. You could make it like an experiment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla... I could teach you some rudimentary physics.\u000aPenny:   Great! A little insulting, but great. I'll be Koko.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not likely. Koko learned to understand over two thousand words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.
p134
aVSheldon Cooper:  [voiceover as he works at his laptop] Research Journal. Entry 1. I'm about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career. Teaching Penny physics. I'm calling it: 'Project Gorilla'.
p135
aVPenny:  [Sheldon is giving her a long-winded history lesson on physics] I have to go to the bathroom.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can't you hold it?\u000aPenny:   Not for 2600 years.
p136
aVSheldon Cooper:   All right, let us begin. Where's your notebook?\u000aPenny:   Um... I don't have one.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How are you going to take notes without a notebook?\u000aPenny:   I have to take notes?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How else are you going to study for the tests?\u000aPenny:   There's gonna be a test?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [stressing the plural] Tests.\u000a[Sheldon gets a notebook from his desk and hands it to her]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Here. It's college ruled; I hope that's not too intimidating.
p137
aVSheldon Cooper:  [trying to teach Penny physics] How can you not know? I just told you. Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?\u000aPenny:   Hey, you don't have to be mean.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry.\u000a[trying to sound more cheerful]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?
p138
aVPenny:   Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Why not?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's where Sheldon sits.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   He can't sit somewhere else?\u000aPenny:   Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.\u000aSheldon:   Perhaps there's hope for you after all.
p139
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)"(2011)[Sheldon knocks on Penny's door]\u000aPenny:   Who do we love?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!\u000a[knocks again]\u000aPenny:   Who do we love?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!\u000a[knocks again]\u000aPenny:   Who do we love?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!
p140
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know what this is about. Given the professional stand still you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching.\u000a[pauses]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.
p141
aVPenny:   What's up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
p142
aVPenny:   Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe I do.\u000aPenny:   Mhm.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm the guy.\u000aPenny:   You're not the guy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, the baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time...\u000aPenny:   I call everyone sweetie.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You tramp.
p143
aVPenny:   Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is... strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Strap on a pair? Uh, of what? Skates?\u000aPenny:   Oh, sweetie, you're so not the guy.
p144
aVSheldon Cooper:   I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm listening.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   With the understanding that nothing changes, whatsoever. Physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Interesting. Now, try it without the quadruple negative.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're being impossible.\u000a[Amy leans over to Stuart]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hi, Stuart!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine!\u000a[Amy leans back to Sheldon again]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy... Will you be my girlfriend?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, that's enough of that.
p145
aVSheldon Cooper:  [knocks] Penny.\u000a[knocks]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy.\u000a[knocks]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bernadette.
p146
aVSheldon Cooper:   I got a splinter.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What do you want me to do about it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Relationship agreement, section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I should have gotten a lawyer.
p147
aVPenny:   Oh god, are you trying to make Amy jealous?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?\u000aPenny:   Ok, listen to me, playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not trying to get her back! But out of curiosity, what is a way?
p148
aVStuart:   So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.\u000aStuart:   Oh, you're welcome.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Knocking from inside Amy's apartment] Amy! Amy! Amy! Let's wrap things up out there!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Umm... Good night Stuart!\u000aStuart:   Good night!\u000a[They hug]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!
p149
aVSheldon Cooper:   I got a splinter.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What do you want me to do about it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-Boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
p150
aVSheldon Cooper:   I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that.
p151
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, what do you think of new comic book night? Magic, right?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, I'm disappointed in you. Sure, a genius such as yourself is allowed his vices. I can understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow men for sport, but this? Lame-o.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A. comic books are storytelling through the use of sequential art, a medium that has existed for 17,000 years back to the cave art of Lascaux; and B. you play the harp, like that's cool.
p152
aVHoward Wolowitz:   I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
p153
aV[Sheldon joins Amy and Stuart on their date]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, what are you doing here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence Stuart.\u000aStuart:   None taken. Though repellent's kind of a, kind of a strong word.
p154
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   How did you get into my apartment?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is this the kind of nagging I'm going to expect now that you're my girlfriend?
p155
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, sorry about that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.\u000aPenny:   Oh God!\u000a[she leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, God. That I've heard on multiple occasions.
p156
aVSheldon Cooper:   When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.
p157
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   OK, we've got power to the laser.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should have brought an umbrella.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What for? It's not going to rain.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's a bazinga, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   One of my best, don't you think?
p158
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard. Leonard. What is that? What is that?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Relax, it's just a dirty sock.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How on earth can you can say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?
p159
aVZack:   One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   The laser?\u000aZack:   The moon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   See, now this is a man for Penny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's a great question, Zack!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's not!\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, play nice.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Zack] Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.
p160
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.
p161
aVSheldon Cooper:   In what universe is this low pulp?
p162
aVSheldon Cooper:   In what universe is that lightly toasted?
p163
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have no difficulty believing you're not butter.
p164
aVZack:   That's your big experiment? All that for a line on a screen?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.\u000aZack:   What species is that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was wrong. Penny can do better.
p165
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Sheldon, I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there... forever.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're bluffing.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Are you willing to risk it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Curse you.
p166
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?\u000a[makes a face]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You don't know we're wrong yet.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Haughty derision it is.\u000a[makes the same face again]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   May I buy you a beverage?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Tepid water, please.\u000a[Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?
p167
aVPenny:   Damn you, you rat bastard!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you drunk?\u000aPenny:   Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How did I ruin him?\u000aPenny:   'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Come on, he wasn't that stupid.\u000aPenny:   Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, yeah, he's stupid\u000a[laughs]\u000aPenny:   He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [still laughing] Well, how is that my fault?\u000aPenny:   You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.\u000a[grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   W-where are we going?\u000aPenny:  [shouts] We're gonna have *SEX*!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Wha- I mean oh, OK.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [comes out of his bedroom] What's going on?\u000aPenny:   Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ach, not *this* again.\u000a[goes back into his room]
p168
aVSheldon Cooper:   But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's life without whimsy.
p169
aVZack:   Is that the laser? Bitchin'.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.\u000aZack:   Well, mission accomplished.
p170
aV[Howard and Raj are trying to convince Sheldon to meet Amy]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Come on, where's your scientific curiosity?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, most of it is being applied to unraveling secrets of the universe, while the rest of it's wondering why I'm having this conversation with you.
p171
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bad Fish Paradigm (#2.1)"(2008)Penny:   I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why would you lie about that?\u000aPenny:   Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?\u000aPenny:   You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yet you are neither.
p172
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There doesn't have to be a reason.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, there kinda does.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm still confused.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
p173
aV[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:  [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:  [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]
p174
aVPenny:   This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're asking me to keep a secret?\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to have expressed that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
p175
aVSheldon Cooper:   You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.\u000aPenny:   Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Which you did not hear about from me.
p176
aV[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
p177
aVPenny:   Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.\u000aPenny:   How is that not a braniac?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
p178
aV[Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   I hate trains!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't be silly - you love trains.
p179
aV[Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is a very old building.\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   Not until now!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.\u000aRajesh Koothrapali:   Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm kidding! I packed it.
p180
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Are you having a second date?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No. She said we would just wing it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
p181
aVSheldon Cooper:  [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It is not a bad sign!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
p182
aVPenny:   Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.
p183
aVRajesh Koothrapali:   We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And some of those skinless women were hot!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
p184
aVPenny:   Sheldon, can I ask you a question?\u000aSheldon:   Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.\u000aPenny:   ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.
p185
aVSheldon:  [In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard] "I'm Batman!"
p186
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What's with him?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!\u000a[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm baaack!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I still don't know why you left.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't tell you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why not?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I promised Penny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You promised Penny what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What secret? Tell me the secret.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not *that* secret! The other secret!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm Batman! Ssh!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I promise.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I drank milk that tasted funny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
p187
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Euclid Alternative (#2.5)"(2008)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good morning, Leonard!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh-huh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
p188
aVSheldon Cooper:   But, how am I going to get to work?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Take the bus.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't try. I succeeded.
p189
aVSheldon Cooper:   Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on the cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.\u000aPenny:   Do you have any alcohol?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course not.\u000aPenny:   Too bad.
p190
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny's taking you to the DMV; I'm going to bed.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why Penny?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because rock breaks scissors. Good night.
p191
aVSheldon Cooper:   I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.
p192
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.\u000aOctavia:   Look at that sign up there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes?\u000aOctavia:   Does it say I give a damn?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aOctavia:   That's because I don't.
p193
aVPenny:  [Sheldon doesn't have a driving license] Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was otherwise engaged.\u000aPenny:   Doing what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.\u000aPenny:   Well, how about when you were seventeen?
p194
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You did.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't.
p195
aVSheldon Cooper:  [about a driving simulation] Now, are there airbags?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You don't need airbags!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?\u000aPenny:   I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
p196
aVOctavia:   Application?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm actually more of a theorist.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   The application in your hand, give it to her.
p197
aVLeonard:   You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.\u000aSheldon:   Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!
p198
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Sheldon's on a driving simulator and it's a disaster] How'd you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know. I was on the Pasadena freeway and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. I quit.\u000a[gets off the simulator but forgets to turn it off]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sounds of a horrifying crash, then various animals] Oh, the pet store.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.
p199
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, no, now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novis, if you will, no, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.
p200
aVSheldon Cooper:   Your check engine light is on.\u000aPenny:   Mm-hmm.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.\u000aPenny:   It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, it's fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.\u000aPenny:   Uh, maybe the light's broken.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is there a "check the check engine light light"?
p201
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon:   You saw nothing!
p202
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.\u000aOctavia:  [approving his permit] Here's your learner's permit. Go away.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I'm not done. I... I have many additional concerns about these questions.\u000aOctavia:   Don't make me climb over this counter.\u000aPenny:  [leading Sheldon away] All right, come on. Come on.\u000aOctavia:   Next!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aced it.
p203
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Financial Permeability (#2.14)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why, they're state of the art. Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my agressive letter writing campaign I might add.
p204
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, I guess we only have one option.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Yepp, I don't see any way around it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bye, Sheldon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   See ya.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Later, dude.\u000a[All exit, leaving Sheldon alone]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They're right. It was the only option.
p205
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you recall, I pointed out the check engine light to you several months ago.\u000aPenny:   The check engine light is fine, it's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working.
p206
aVSheldon Cooper:   Take some.\u000aPenny:   Don't be silly.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm never silly.
p207
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't see any large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.\u000aPenny:   Are they working on that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I sincerely hope so.
p208
aVSheldon Cooper:   I've been giving the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of superintelligent aliens.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Interesting.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ask me why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Do I have to?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course, that's how you move a conversation forward.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The learning opportunities would be abundant, additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
p209
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, Penny. How's work.\u000aPenny:   Great! I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheescake Factory for my whole life!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was that sarcasm?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was *that* sarcasm?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was that sarcasm?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Stop it!
p210
aVSheldon Cooper:   In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I have moved my money out of the snake can.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.
p211
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Outside? But I just made cocoa.
p212
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I do.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.
p213
aVSheldon:   I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about *you*.\u000aLeonard:  [sarcastically] Great.\u000aSheldon:  [singing] There once was a brave lad named Leonard. With a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant. While Raj just wanted to pee.
p214
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, I don't understand what social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance in how to proceed.
p215
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You clearly did something to aggrevate her!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.
p216
aVPenny:   Is Leonard around?\u000aSheldon:   He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?\u000aPenny:   The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.\u000aSheldon:   Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.\u000aPenny:   It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
p217
aVPenny:   Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.\u000aSheldon:   Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?\u000aPenny:   I'll pay you back as soon as I can.\u000aSheldon:   Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.\u000aPenny:   I'm regretting this already.
p218
aVSheldon Cooper:   In what *Universe* are slurpees Icees?
p219
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Work Song Nanocluster (#2.18)"(2009)Penny:   If this takes off I won't have to be a waitress anymore.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?\u000aPenny:   Another waitress?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's her name?\u000aPenny:   I don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And you're going to let her handle my food?\u000aPenny:   Nancy. Her name is Nancy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think you're just making that up!
p220
aVPenny:   Okay, you know what, if I'm not allowed to be snide, you are not allowed to be condescending.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That wasn't a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now!
p221
aVSheldon Cooper:   Coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.
p222
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Talking about Penny's home business] Ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is 2,600 dollars.\u000aPenny:   That's all?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Before taxes.\u000aPenny:   Well, I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree.
p223
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Talking about Penny's proposed home-based business] If you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.\u000aPenny:   And you know about that stuff?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [patronizing] Penny - I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.\u000aPenny:   Who's Radiohead?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [with facial tic] I have a working knowledge of the _important_ things in the universe.
p224
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after timing how long it took Penny to make a decorative hair barrette] Based on your cost in materials and your wholesale selling price, you'll effectively be paying yourself five dollars and nineteen cents a day.\u000aPenny:   A day?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who out-earn you.
p225
aVSheldon Cooper:   Perhaps we could expand our market.\u000aPenny:   How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We add Bluetooth!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth!\u000aPenny:   Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.
p226
aVSheldon Cooper:  [How Sheldon knocks on Penny's door, without a pause: knock-knock-knock] Penny!\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!
p227
aV[Sheldon delivers a package to Penny]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Presents clip board] Excuse me! You have to sign this.\u000aPenny:   What is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I am fully indemnified and no longer liable.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?\u000aPenny:   It means nothing to anybody!
p228
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Penny] Are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honore Blanc's 1778 use of interchangeable parts?\u000a[long pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The assembly line, of course.
p229
aVSheldon Cooper:   Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, it's a bitch!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [Inspecting bottle of glitter] Ah, I've seen this before.\u000aPenny:   Where?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.
p230
aVPenny:   How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms\u000a[Penny's hair product]\u000aPenny:   in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.\u000aPenny:   I just don't see how we can pull this off.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!
p231
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   All right, what's wrong with it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's wrong with it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not from you!
p232
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Despite my deep love of chess, lasers, and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because it's almost 11:00.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So Penny has a "don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.
p233
aVSheldon Cooper:   Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...\u000aPenny:   We should have let him go to bed.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bam.
p234
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)"(2013)[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching, somebody's having date night.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's actually steamier than it looks; Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, I got bored with that; I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.\u000aPenny:   How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you do that, I'll scream.
p235
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   This project would have us working in close proximity to one another, and there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My father used to say that all the time. That and um, "who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here?" But what does that have to do with you working at the university?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hnh. I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady.\u000a[he heads toward the washroom]
p236
aVRaj Koothrappali:   You know, my parents met at his place of work.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your father's a gynecologist.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I know; what started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred which continues to this day.
p237
aVSheldon Cooper:  [knock knock knock] Amy-Bernadette-Penny.\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy-Bernadette-Penny.\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy-Bernadette-Penny.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   He's never going to stop doing that, is he?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.
p238
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ja-ah, Sweden. The home of my favorite Muppet and uh second favorite meatball.\u000a[Amy and Gunderson just stare at him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK. The Nordic reputation for lack of humor is well founded.\u000a[Amy and Gunderson look at each other]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Boy, is his name Gunderson or Nofunderson?
p239
aVPenny:   Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But you didn't even hear the details.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster: Amy's right, you're wrong.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But you don't even know...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Doesn't matter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, yeah, but in my defense...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Doesn't matter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're not listening to my side of it.\u000aPenny:   OK, fine, Sheldon, what is your side?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sighs] Well...\u000aPenny:   No, gotta go with Amy on this one.
p240
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   What do you want?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, This isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult. But even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions, and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I wasn't speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. Now, uh, introducing myself as your boyfriend, giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, the funniest kind of humor.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What's your point?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My point is we're a couple, and I like you for who you are. Quirks and all.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I like you too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.\u000a[she closes the door in his face]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [through the door] Not even a good-bye. You see, that's the kind of thing makes people think you're weird.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to himself] Poor kid. She just doesn't see it.
p241
aV[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Laser's warmed up.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Pull!\u000a[Raj throws up a balloon, which Howard bursts using the laser]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz,Raj Koothrappali,Sheldon Cooper:   Yay!
p242
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Knock... knock... knock] . Amy.\u000a[Knock... knock... knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   . Amy.\u000a[Knock... knock... knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   . Amy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What do you want?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you're funniest kind of humor.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What's your point?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My point is we're a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I like you too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.\u000a[Amy slams the door in his face]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not even a goodbye. You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.
p243
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Knock, knock, knock] . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.\u000a[Knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.\u000a[Knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   He's not going to stop doing that, is he?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.
p244
aVSheldon Cooper:   That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   He said what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.
p245
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aw, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second favorite meatball. OK. The Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Wait. Is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. I'm your boyfriend. Call me Sheldon. That's right. I'm in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is a physical relationship too. Hand holding; hugging; even on hot days. Ow! Here's an new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?
p246
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   Well?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [angrily] For the love of God, why?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:  [Sheldon awkwardly heads towards Leonard and Raj on the couch] What exactly do you think you'd get sick of?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [speaking quietly to Leonard] His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's nothing in particular. I...\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Is it my voice? Am I too bossy?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [he rubs his right arm] My arm is feeling numb.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Raj] Nailed it.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, Doofus.
p247
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was if we worked together, there'd be too much of me for you, not the other way around.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Howard, if you're going to lie to your wife, you don't start the sentence with "Sheldon misunderstood". That's a dead giveaway.
p248
aVSheldon Cooper:   I appreciate your concern, but I won't be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we'll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Please let me be there when you tell her that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why? So you can see the look on Amy's face when she hears my top-notch idea?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Please, oh please, just let me be there.
p249
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.
p250
aVSheldon Cooper:   That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.
p251
aVMary Cooper:   Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Get them before they get us.
p252
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.\u000aMary Cooper:   Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Told you.\u000aMary Cooper:   Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
p253
aVSheldon Cooper:   Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.\u000aMary Cooper:   Apology accepted.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.\u000aMary Cooper:   I am still going out with your friends.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!
p254
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [after Sheldon coughs] You getting sick?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.
p255
aVSheldon Cooper:   I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.\u000aMary Cooper:   And whose fault was that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yours.
p256
aVSheldon Cooper:   You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.
p257
aVMary Cooper:   I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
p258
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to a man sitting next to him on a bench] Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.\u000a[It starts to rain]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.\u000a[Man takes out umbrella and opens it]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Smartypants.
p259
aVSheldon Cooper:   You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!\u000a[Raj whispers to Howard]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
p260
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Want some Oreos?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Double stuff?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, it's regular.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nice. Kick a man when he's down.
p261
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?\u000aMary Cooper:   It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.\u000aMary Cooper:   You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.\u000aMary Cooper:   Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.\u000aMary Cooper:   For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.
p262
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?\u000aMary Cooper:   No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.\u000a[sings]\u000aMary Cooper:   Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sticks his head in the door] Mru. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [snaps] Get out!\u000a[Sheldon leaves]\u000aMary Cooper:   Well, that was rude.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.\u000aMary Cooper:  [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.\u000aMary Cooper:  [looking upwards] This is what I'm talking about.\u000a[sings]\u000aMary Cooper:   Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
p263
aVPenny:   Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?\u000aMary Cooper:   Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to himself] That will not be in this week's email blast.
p264
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Justice League Recombination (#4.11)"(2010)Zack:   You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.\u000aZack:   No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   They might be smarter than some people.\u000aZack:   Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.\u000a[the guys laugh at him]\u000aZack:   I don't get it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   A dolphin might.\u000aZack:   Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.
p265
aVPenny:   I'm still mad at you.\u000aZack:   Well, you won't be when you hear the great news.\u000aPenny:   What great news?\u000aZack:   We're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Years Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.
p266
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [in gravelly voice] I'm Batman.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I hardly think so. The real Caped Crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.\u000a[Raj walks inside in his Aquaman costume with attached seahorse]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I've said this before and I'll say it again, Aquaman sucks.
p267
aVPenny:   What the hell is wrong with you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
p268
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Ooh, I call Kermit.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm Kermit. You're Scooter.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.
p269
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's the bad news?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight.\u000aZack:  [Looks down at his Superman costume] Aw, damn.
p270
aV[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is seventy-two degrees, but I'm a little warm so I'm going to turn it down.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [runs to the Grand Canyon as The Flash] Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter!\u000a[runs back to the apartment and becomes himself]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine.
p271
aVSheldon Cooper:   Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She isn't the free spirit I am.
p272
aVSheldon Cooper:   Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.\u000aPenny:   Goodbye, Sheldon!\u000a[slams the door]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But they're not blond, so put on your wig!
p273
aVZack:   I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Literally? Literally a million years?
p274
aVZack:   Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.\u000a[Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume]\u000aZack:   I forget the rest.\u000aPenny:  [Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top] All right. Let's get this thing over with.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.\u000a[Penny punches Wolowitz in his shoulder]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Ow! I mean...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [in gravelly voice] Ow.
p275
aV[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [playing a card] Water Demon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [playing a card] Ice Dragon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [playing a card] Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not so fast.\u000a[playing a card]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Infinite Sheldon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Infinite Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You understand why people don't want to play with you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
p276
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [about apologizing to Zack] What would I even say?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud."\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   A Milk Dud?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah. Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
p277
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What should we do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.
p278
aVZack:  [entering the comic book store] Where do they keep the Archies?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.\u000aZack:   Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.
p279
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)"(2011)Amy Farrah Fowler:   Fair warning: we can get crazy.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [to Penny] Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.
p280
aVSheldon Cooper:   In the South, preadolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.
p281
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, are you in the shower?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
p282
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What kind of emergency?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.
p283
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not as much as you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I got you the lamb kabob.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.\u000a[Sheldon takes a bite and begins to chew vigorously]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you think about it, Greek food isn't that far from Italian food. They share a spice palette.\u000a[Chews]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And what a civilization is the Greeks'.\u000a[Chews some more]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They gave us science, democracy... and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.\u000a[Spits out kabob]
p284
aVSheldon Cooper:   The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations, pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.\u000aPenny:   I'm sorry, honey, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. You're welcome to tag along.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A girl's night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns, and menstrual cramps.\u000aPenny:   Okay, suit yourself. We'll probably be trashing Priya a little.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Shotgun!
p285
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You smell like baby powder.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's talc. But as that's the primary ingredient in baby powder, I understand your confusion.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, I'm not confused at all. You're like a sexy toddler.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know how to process that.
p286
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's 16 times 14?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   My burps taste like cranberry juice.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And there's your answer.
p287
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Would you like to come in for a nightcap?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you're referring to the beverage, you know I don't drink. If you're referring to the hat you don while wearing a night shirt and holding a candle, I have one.
p288
aVSheldon Cooper:   You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
p289
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
p290
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's hard to say no to Yoo-Hoo. The name literally beckons.
p291
aVSheldon Cooper:   Good morning, Amy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It most assuredly is not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea, and shame?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes. I also found a Korean man's business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Last night, you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home. You kissed me, and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.
p292
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [as Sheldon counts down the "self destruct sequence"] It's blackmail!\u000aPriya Koothrappali:   We give up.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   This is ridiculous.\u000a[unplugs the laptop]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?
p293
aV[last lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [yells at her screeching monkey] They were out of menthol; get off my back!\u000a[to Sheldon]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [off-screen] C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're preaching to the choir, sister.
p294
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)"(2011)[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, the Humanities!
p295
aV[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Here's what I wonder about zombies:\u000a[the others groan]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah, okay. So, zombies.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
p296
aVPresident Siebert:  [Putting his arms around Sheldon and Leonard's shoulders] How are we doing today?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?\u000aPresident Siebert:   Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.
p297
aVSheldon Cooper:   Just because the nice man is offering you candy doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van.
p298
aVSheldon Cooper:   I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair, which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.
p299
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?
p300
aVSheldon Cooper:   Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider just this once using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
p301
aVSheldon Cooper:   I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
p302
aVSheldon Cooper:  [answering the phone] Cooper-Hofstadter residence; go for Cooper.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good morning, Mrs. Latham.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, of course I remember you; a woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husbands ill-gotten gains.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So, how much money you going to give me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [passes the phone to Leonard] She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?
p303
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, wow!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yess!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why?\u000aPenny:   Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
p304
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I didn't do it for the money.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She stiffed you?\u000aPenny:   I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What?\u000aPenny:   Again, read the book we gave you!
p305
aVSheldon Cooper:   No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.
p306
aVSheldon Cooper:   Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
p307
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, you're an expert at exchanging sexual favors for material gain. Walk him through this.
p308
aVPenny:   What was that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit's due.
p309
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)"(2012)Leonard Hofstadter:   Why is there a hole here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or, the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
p310
aVSheldon Cooper:  [at the urinals at work] Kripke.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're in my spot.
p311
aVBarry Kripke:   How does it work?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.\u000aBarry Kripke:   I'm sorry, can you repeat that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Almost got it. One more time?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hey, Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ...rock crushes...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Stop. He's screwing with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
p312
aVSheldon Cooper:   I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
p313
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Five what?
p314
aVSheldon Cooper:   And let him win? Do I look crazy to you?
p315
aVHoward Wolowitz:   It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I wonder how long Sheldon's got?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.\u000a[Throws shrimp away]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It can't be very long.
p316
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You just called dibs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Shut it.
p317
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Knock on door] Ooh. That'll be Kripke.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What's he doing here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.
p318
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   There's not much you're both equally good at.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Is there anything you're both equally bad at?\u000aSheldon Cooper,Barry Kripke:   Sports.
p319
aVSheldon Cooper:   Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force.\u000a[Throws ball, it falls short of the basket]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm gonna need more force.
p320
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon was higher.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
p321
aVSheldon Cooper:   Ah, the spoils. I can see why victors love them.
p322
aVSheldon Cooper:   Mr. Rothman, this isn't your office anymore. You're retired.\u000aProfessor Rothman:   I think the word you're looking for is invisible.
p323
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Sheldon has gotten his head stuck in a hole in his office wall] Why would you do that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I wanted to see what was inside.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's called scientific curiosity!
p324
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)"(2013)Penny:   Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You did?\u000aPenny:   Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What? You went to a chapel?\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why?\u000aPenny:   We had one those silly fake weddings.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny, you know those are real, right?\u000aPenny:  [laughing it off] No, they're not.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, they are.\u000aPenny:  [Looking worried] No, they're not.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, they are.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He's right.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   They're real.\u000aPenny:  [quietly] But it didn't feel real.
p325
aVPenny:   Why are you making this such a big deal?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.\u000aPenny:   How do I undo this?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.\u000aPenny:   Great. Well, what do I have to do?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?\u000aPenny:   Want of understanding? What does that even mean?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
p326
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   The math is all there; it's not real\u000aPenny:   Yes, it is!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.\u000aPenny:   Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.\u000aPenny:   I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Were you drunk?\u000aPenny:   I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I think you're the one who fell over.\u000aPenny:   That would explain why the sky was also on its side.
p327
aVSheldon Cooper:   But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you.
p328
aVSheldon Cooper:   I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse so, di, I'd love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.
p329
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about *my* cooking all day.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
p330
aVSheldon Cooper:   My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
p331
aVMr. Rostenkowski:   I don't know what's scarier: the bathroom clowns or the woman that put 'em there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car.\u000a[Howard enters]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And there's the clown that came out of her.
p332
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Okay.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Don't worry about it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ain't she great?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?\u000a[Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]
p333
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I just vomited on a lot of clowns.
p334
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do we really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's home for Thanksgiving dinner?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   We do, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to work under the yoke of the white man.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are you honestly comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house to one of the worst tragedies in human history?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.
p335
aVMr. Rostenkowski:   Do you remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.\u000aMr. Rostenkowski:   I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So was my dad. And then he did.
p336
aVMr. Rostenkowski:   So is your dad still living in Texas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My father died when I was fourteen.\u000aMr. Rostenkowski:   I'm sorry to hear that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So was the guy who ran the liquor store. He cried and cried.
p337
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Penny, regarding her initial belief that her wedding to Zach wasn't real] At some point while you were there was Las Vegas also on its side?\u000a[Then tilts his head]
p338
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (#4.2)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   At the hands of your roommate?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   An accident.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.
p339
aVSheldon Cooper:   You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.\u000aSteve Wozniak:   Only 15th?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.\u000aSteve Wozniak:   Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.\u000aSteve Wozniak:   Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.\u000aSteve Wozniak:   Nerds.
p340
aV[Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot."]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Greetings, friends.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.
p341
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000a[Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   A lot of people are working on that research.
p342
aVSheldon Cooper:   In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.\u000aPenny:   Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Correct.\u000aPenny:   So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Essentially, yes.\u000aPenny:   OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?
p343
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What's a dogapus?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There's somebody working on that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
p344
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Thinks he has appendicitis] So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Funny how things work out, isn't it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!\u000a[Loud fart]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Good night.\u000a[Sheldon goes back to his room]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
p345
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.\u000aPenny:  [unimpressed] No, it won't.
p346
aVPenny:  [Sheldon just fell down the stairs] Oh my god, are you okay?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think so.\u000aPenny:   Let me help you up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.\u000a[Very loud fart]\u000aPenny:   Oh, Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
p347
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms] Leonard, my door.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What about it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Be a lamb and open it for me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [feigning ignorance] Why? What's the problem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You think you have me stymied, don't you?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
p348
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, this is ridiculous.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I am looking at you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.
p349
aV[last lines]\u000aPenny:   What up, Shelbot?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.\u000aPenny:   What do you want me to do?\u000aPenny:   Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.\u000aPenny:   Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?\u000aPenny:  [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Closer to the microphone.\u000aPenny:   Happy kitty, pretty ki...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, you have to start over.\u000aPenny:  [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur\u000a[Sheldon starts playing his recorder]\u000aPenny:   Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.
p350
aVSheldon Cooper:   Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, sure.\u000a[Raj opens the door for Sheldon's virtual presence device]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Leonard] He's a lamb. You're not.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [proudly] I'm a lamb.
p351
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's an excellent idea! If we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.\u000aPenny:  [unenthused] No, it won't. Um... hey, how does he know I jog?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.\u000aPenny:  [disgusted] Oh, my god! That is so creepy!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [mimicking Penny's tone of voice] I know!\u000a[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And he says he's not gonna stop.\u000a[freaked out, Raj whispers in his ear again]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, well, then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
p352
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)"(2011)Leonard Hofstadter:  [after Sheldon freaking out about the bird] Sheldon, just ignore him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good idea! Attention is what birds want.
p353
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Do you think I'm overdressed?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. To play in Vegas, I'd add sequins.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you think it's a date?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No. But she might think that I think it's a date even though I don't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you overthinking this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not at all.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? A blazer? All right.
p354
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control, I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911.
p355
aVSheldon Cooper:   Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age 12, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age 16, a parrot in a pet store calls me fat ass. Need I go on?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.
p356
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:  [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
p357
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after touching the bird] I did it! I actually did it... Okay, now flush him.
p358
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."
p359
aVSheldon Cooper:  [as the bird flies out the window] Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
p360
aVSheldon Cooper:   Quick, what does a hawk sound like?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, I don't know... Scree! Scree!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. That's a seagull.
p361
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a backwards baseball cap] Too casual?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For an audience with the Queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan, you look great.
p362
aVHoward Wolowitz:   All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
p363
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.
p364
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.
p365
aVSheldon Cooper:  [talking to a blue jay] If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
p366
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities, and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. "S'up?"\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Where do I sign?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Right here.\u000a[turns his tablet around]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Use your finger.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There, done.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, that's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story: You have not got a friend in me!
p367
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
p368
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now, put on your hard had and safety vest.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, fun! I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of The Village people.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You make that joke every three months; I still don't get it.
p369
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness, unsatisfactory; follows direction, barely; attitude, a little too much. Overall, not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day.
p370
aVSheldon Cooper:   An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!
p371
aVSheldon Cooper:   Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus, but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
p372
aVPenny:   I got some candles in my apartment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You call that a glow stick?\u000a[Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That is a glow stick.
p373
aVSheldon Cooper:   I was just sitting at home, thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.\u000aStuart:   Ninth?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.
p374
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power'll be back on soon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.
p375
aV[first lines]\u000a[Sheldon sounds a virtual klaxon in Leonard's bedroom]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yahhh! What the hell!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Emergency preparedness drill.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, no, come on!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know how it works. Once a quarter; keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine sleepyhead, half the town is probably dead.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I have to get a lock for my door.
p376
aVSheldon Cooper:   My apologies. I would have been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
p377
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, um. how are you?\u000aStuart:   Uh, not so good; my shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great, great.
p378
aVSheldon Cooper:   He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark; he's going to be bored out of his mind.
p379
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, uh, how are you?\u000aStuart:   Not so good. My shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.
p380
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bran Hypothesis (#1.2)"(2007)Sheldon:   Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
p381
aVSheldon:  [in a deep voice] If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
p382
aVSheldon:   I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
p383
aVLeonard:   Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?\u000aPenny:   Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?\u000aSheldon:   You're kidding, right?\u000aPenny:   You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?\u000aLeonard,Sheldon,Wolowitz:   *One.*\u000a[Raj holds up one finger]\u000aSheldon:   You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?\u000aPenny:   Yes, I know men can't fly...\u000aSheldon:   No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.\u000aLeonard:   Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.\u000aSheldon:   In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.\u000aLeonard:   Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.\u000aSheldon:   Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!\u000aWolowitz:   And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?\u000aSheldon:   Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.\u000aPenny:   I'm just gonna go wash up.\u000aLeonard:   I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."\u000aSheldon:   Challenge accepted!\u000a[walks to door]\u000aSheldon:   We're locked out...\u000aKoothrappali:   Also, the pretty girl left.
p384
aVLeonard:   Men do things for women without expecting sex.\u000aSheldon:   Those would be men who just had sex.
p385
aVLeonard:   Any ideas?\u000aSheldon:   Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.
p386
aVLeonard:   Sheldon, this is not your home.\u000aSheldon:   Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!
p387
aVLeonard:   You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.\u000aSheldon:   You don't think that crosses the line?\u000aLeonard:   Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?\u000aSheldon:   You have a sarcasm sign?
p388
aVLeonard:   I guess we will just bring it up ourselves.\u000aSheldon:   I hardly think so.\u000aLeonard:   Why not?\u000aSheldon:   We don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.
p389
aVLeonard:   Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them?\u000aSheldon:   No.\u000aLeonard:   Well, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.\u000aSheldon:   I'm sorry, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
p390
aVLeonard:   Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.\u000aSheldon:   I just gave you a reasonable explanation.\u000aLeonard:   No, you gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.\u000aSheldon:   Don't be ridiculous... I have no peers.
p391
aVPenny:   You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?\u000aLeonard:   Yes, but only to clean.\u000aSheldon:   Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.\u000aPenny:   Give me back my key.\u000a[Leonard hands said key back]\u000aLeonard:   I'm very, very sorry.\u000aPenny:   Do you understand how creepy this is?\u000aLeonard:   Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.\u000aPenny:   In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?\u000aSheldon:   And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.\u000aPenny:   And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?\u000aSheldon:   Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.\u000a[behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it]\u000aSheldon:   Oh.
p392
aVPenny:   Was it hard to get it up the stairs?\u000aSheldon:   Pfffff...\u000aLeonard:   No.\u000aSheldon:   No?\u000aSheldon:   No.\u000aLeonard:   No.
p393
aVSheldon:   Great Caesar's ghost! Look at this place.\u000aLeonard:   So Penny's a little messy.\u000aSheldon:   A little messy! The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little mess- this is chaos!
p394
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Pants Alternative (#3.18)"(2010)Sheldon:   Problem.\u000aLeonard:   What?\u000aSheldon:   They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
p395
aVRaj Koothrappali:   OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.\u000aSheldon:   And yet you can't speak to women.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.
p396
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon:  [watching his speech on Youtube] Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.\u000aLeonard:   Aah, give it a minute.\u000aSheldon:  [on Youtube] Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.
p397
aVSheldon:   Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!
p398
aVSheldon:   Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!
p399
aVLeonard:   Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.\u000aSheldon:   And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?\u000aLeonard:   Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.
p400
aVSheldon:   I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What to you is a large crowd?\u000aSheldon:   Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
p401
aVPenny:   So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?\u000aSheldon:   No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
p402
aVSheldon:   I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?\u000aPenny:   It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.\u000aSheldon:   Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?\u000aPenny:   Yep, that's when I buy shoes.
p403
aVLeonard:   So, Sheldon. How ya doing?\u000aSheldon:   That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.
p404
aVSheldon:   Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?\u000aLeonard:   Um; I don't know, maybe.\u000aSheldon:   I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.\u000aLeonard:   How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?\u000aSheldon:   I was wearing size a million pants.
p405
aVSheldon:   A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
p406
aVSheldon:   A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!\u000a[Door slams]\u000aSheldon:   Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
p407
aVSheldon:   I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.
p408
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Dumpling Paradox (#1.7)"(2007)Leonard:   Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.\u000aSheldon:   No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.\u000aLeonard:   You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.\u000aSheldon:   My point.
p409
aVChen:   Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?\u000aSheldon:   He's putting his needs above the collective good.\u000a[to the other guys]\u000aSheldon:   Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.\u000aChen:   *I* come from Sacramento.
p410
aVSheldon:   I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
p411
aVPenny:   Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.\u000aLeonard:   Great idea.\u000aSheldon:   No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.\u000aPenny:   Why?\u000aSheldon:   Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.\u000aPenny:   Oh, what, what, what?\u000aSheldon:   This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.\u000aPenny:  [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?\u000aSheldon:   Mine.\u000aPenny:   Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!\u000aLeonard:   It's the only way we can play teams.\u000aSheldon:   Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to\u000a[explosion]\u000aSheldon:   mention the fact that...\u000aPenny:   Ha Ha! There goes your head again.\u000aSheldon:   Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a\u000a[explosion]\u000aSheldon:   chance... now, c'mon.\u000a[minutes later]\u000aSheldon:   Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.\u000aPenny:   Cover this suckers.\u000a[laughs]\u000aLeonard:   Penny, you are on fire.\u000aPenny:   Yes, so is Sheldon.\u000a[laughs]\u000aSheldon:   Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.\u000a[walks away]\u000aPenny:   Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.\u000aSheldon:   What?\u000aPenny:   This plasma grenade.\u000a[explosion]\u000aPenny:  [laughs] Look! It's raining you.\u000aSheldon:   You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.
p412
aVSheldon:   Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity. I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
p413
aVChristy:   There's my little engine that could.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Chugga-chugga-chugga...\u000aSheldon:   Well, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
p414
aVLeonard:   Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.\u000aPenny:   Wh-what?\u000aSheldon:  [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.\u000aPenny:  [speechless]\u000aSheldon:   It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.
p415
aVSheldon:  [as Penny makes up the couch to sleep on she puts the pillow on the end of the couch closest to the door] Hmm-hmm, wrong.\u000aPenny:  [Turning to face Sheldon with a glare] I'm listening.\u000aSheldon:   Your head goes on the other end.\u000aPenny:   Why?\u000aSheldon:   It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.\u000aPenny:   I'll risk it.\u000aSheldon:  [high pitched] Hmm.\u000a[and turns away]
p416
aV[there is a knock at the door]\u000aSheldon:   Oh, what fresh hell is this?
p417
aVSheldon:   You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.\u000aPenny:   Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?\u000aLeonard:   Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.\u000aPenny:   Well, it's been fun.\u000aLeonard:   Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.\u000aPenny:   Or we could just have a life.\u000aLeonard:   I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.
p418
aVSheldon:   Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.\u000aPenny:   Aww, that's so sweet but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.\u000aSheldon:   You can't go out, it's Halo night.\u000aPenny:   Well, for Penny it's dancing night.\u000aSheldon:   Do you go dancing every Wednesday?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon:   Then it's not dancing night.
p419
aVPenny:   Can I hide out here for a while?\u000aLeonard:   Sure. What's going on?\u000aPenny:   Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy. Anyway, she called me up and she's like "Hey, how's California?", and I'm, like, "Awesome", 'cause, you know, it's not Nebraska. And the next thing I know, she's invited herself out here to stay with me.\u000aSheldon:  [wanting to start Halo] 8:08.\u000aPenny:   Anyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakkety yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, is she doing it one thong at a time or does she throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?\u000aPenny:  [to Leonard] He really needs to dial it down.
p420
aVLeonard:   So, if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?\u000aPenny:   Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.\u000aSheldon:   Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst. Who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?\u000aLeonard:   Oh, I don't think she's a whore.\u000aPenny:   No, yeah, she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards. This one time she was at... where's Howard?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [off-screen at Penny's apartment] Bonjour, mademoiselle. I understand you're new in town.
p421
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Watch this. It's really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.\u000aAutomated Cell Phone Voice:   Did you say "Call Helen Boxleitner"?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.\u000aAutomated Cell Phone Voice:   Did you say "Call Temple Beth Sader"?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No.\u000aLeonard:   Here, here, here. Let me try. Call McFlono McFlooneyloo.\u000aAutomated Cell Phone Voice:   Calling Rajesh Koothrappali.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [his phone rings] Oh. That's very impressive. And a little racist.\u000aSheldon:   If we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology", can we get on with Halo night?
p422
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)"(2014)Penny:   OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle, but I know what it's like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You mean your acting career.\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your relationship with Leonard.\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your failed attempt to go back to college.\u000aPenny:   NO! I'm saying you and string theory sound like a relationship and I know what it's like to be in one and realize it's never going to turn out the way you want.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I said Leonard. You said no.\u000aPenny:   I'm talking about other guys.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK. Well. What do you do?\u000aPenny:   You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.
p423
aVSheldon Cooper:   It suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.
p424
aVSheldon Cooper:   But now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.
p425
aVSheldon Cooper:   I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band - of course I'd be the dreamy one and the smart one.
p426
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   What did you do?\u000aPenny:   I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's right. I'm too hot.
p427
aVPenny:   What's wrong with geology?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.
p428
aVSheldon Cooper:   I didn't seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How does that happen?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A bully chased me through the school library and he hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.
p429
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [In the morning Sheldon walks in with a GEOLOGY book] How you feeling?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not so good.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you going to introduce me to your friend?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not my friend. Nothing happened.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh dear lord. Where's Amy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   After she put you to bed, she went home.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.
p430
aVPenny:   Hey, you're up early.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I couldn't sleep.\u000aPenny:   I told you those Walking Dead pillow cases were a bad idea.
p431
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What about loop quantum gravity?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [High-pitched voice] Ooh, Duchess, look at me! My quantum gravity is positively loopy!\u000aPenny:   Who's the duchess?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   One of the people that lives in his head.
p432
aVSheldon Cooper:  [knock-knock-knock] Empty room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [knock-knock-knock] Empty room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [knock-knock-knock] Empty room. If somebody says, "Come in", I'm gonna freak out!
p433
aVVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes and we could totally solve crimes together.\u000aVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know what's great? Geology! Look at this geode! That's fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.\u000aVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.\u000aVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hey, guess who I am? Beep-bop-boop-bop! I'm you! Get it?\u000aVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you mad at me? Oh, no! You're mad at me! I'm so sorry! Beep-bop-boop-bop!\u000aVoicemail:   Next message.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That's even more fun to say than gee-ode. Hey, did you see the Lego Movie?\u000aStephen Hawking:   What a jackass.
p434
aVBarry Kripke:   ...there actuawwy was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?\u000aBarry Kripke:   No, but they did find evidence that you'll bewieve\u000a[laughing]\u000aBarry Kripke:   anything.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Incowwect; I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I'm going to pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads.
p435
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Penny is about to give Sheldon a haircut] Are you sure you want to do this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.\u000aPenny:  [moving Sheldon's arm as if he's a ventriloquist's dummy] Oh, my God. I do look like that!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, stop it!\u000aPenny:   So how do you want me to cut it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, how 'bout Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So, business in the front, science in the back!
p436
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Jerusalem Duality (#1.12)"(2008)Sheldon Cooper:   While Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
p437
aVSheldon Cooper:   I sense a disturbance in the Force.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [in a Yoda voice] A bad feeling I have about this, hmm.
p438
aVSheldon Cooper:   Alright, and this is my office.\u000aDennis Kim:   Is this part of the tour?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nope. Goodbye.
p439
aVDennis Kim:  [notices award certificate on wall of Sheldon's office] Wow! You won a Stevenson Award?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes! In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.\u000aDennis Kim:   Really! How old?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fourteen and a half.\u000aDennis Kim:   Hm - you *were* the youngest person ever to win it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [grinning gleefully] It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
p440
aVSheldon Cooper:   Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Antonio Salieri?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, God! Now even you're smarter than me.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
p441
aVPenny:   I really don't see what the big deal is.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, of course your don't. You've never excelled at anything.\u000aPenny:   I don't understand. Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We liked Leonard.
p442
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, there's a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And you also have a note from your mother that says "I love you, Bubbeleh". But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
p443
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Go away!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did Leonard tell you to say that?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Nah, I thought of it all by myself.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Huh. It can't be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I'm missing.
p444
aVDr. Eric Gablehauser:   Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a *highly* sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Graduate work? Very impressive.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   And he's only 15 years old.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not bad. I, myself, started graduate school at 14.\u000aDennis Kim:   Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Sheldon] Advantage: Kim.
p445
aVSheldon:   So! This is engineering, huh?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [on phone] I'll talk to you later.\u000aSheldon:   Engineering, where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa Loompas of science!
p446
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Here's the problem with teleportation.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Lay it on me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual; you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How about that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Personally, I would never use a transporter, because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, he would be exactly the same.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That is a problem.
p447
aVSheldon:   I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested
p448
aVDr. Eric Gablehauser:   What are you working on?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I've decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I'm going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.\u000aDr. Eric Gablehauser:   To what end?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, it's like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.
p449
aV[last lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hey, look at that. It's Dennis Kim.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.\u000a[Kim is locked in a kiss with a blond girl]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sarcastically] Yeah, we really ruined his life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Screw him; he was weak.
p450
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary (#1.3)"(2007)Leonard:   I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.\u000aWolowitz:   Because he looks better than you?\u000aLeonard:   Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.\u000aSheldon:   Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
p451
aVLeonard:   I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my GOD!\u000a[Leonard descends into a panic attack]\u000aSheldon:   Is the sex starting now?
p452
aVWolowitz:   Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?\u000aSheldon:   That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?\u000aWolowitz:   Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.\u000aSheldon:   Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?\u000aKoothrappali:   You might be bound by them right now.\u000aWolowitz:   That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?\u000aSheldon:   Of course not.\u000aKoothrappali:   Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?\u000aSheldon:   Well, no.\u000aWolowitz:   I smell robot.
p453
aVLeonard:   Hey, what's going on?\u000aSheldon:   Internet's been down for half an hour.\u000aKoothrappali:   Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
p454
aVSheldon:   I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering that in the center of every black hole there's a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
p455
aVSheldon:   There is no more Sheldon, I am the Sword Master!
p456
aV[about Leonard dating Penny]\u000aLeonard:   Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.\u000aSheldon:   Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
p457
aVSheldon:   So? How was your date?\u000aLeonard:   Awesome!\u000aSheldon:   Score one for liquor and poor judgment.
p458
aVSheldon:   I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.\u000aWolowitz:   No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.
p459
aVSheldon:   Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?\u000aLeonard:   Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.
p460
aVLeonard:   Can you tell that I'm sweating?\u000aSheldon:   No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.
p461
aV[Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly]\u000aLeonard:   'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '\u000aSheldon:   Oh, good Lord.\u000aLeonard:   'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '\u000a[takes off headphones]\u000aLeonard:   That's a good song!\u000aSheldon:   If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.
p462
aVSheldon:   Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you!
p463
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and...\u000a[pause]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.\u000aSheldon:   Good lord!\u000aLeonard:   Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.\u000aLeonard:   Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.\u000aSheldon:   Lock and load.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Raj, blow the gates.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Blowing the gates.\u000a[pressing keys]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Control, shift, B.\u000a[sound of the gates blowing]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh my God, so many goblins!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!\u000aLeonard:   Stay in formation!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Leonard, you've got one on your tail!\u000aLeonard:   That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!\u000aLeonard:   Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!\u000a[changes to an annoyed whisper]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon!\u000aSheldon:   I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!\u000aLeonard:   Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.\u000aSheldon:   There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Leonard look out!\u000aLeonard:   Damn it man, we're dying here!\u000aSheldon:   Goodbye peasents.\u000aLeonard:   The bastard teleported.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.\u000aLeonard:   You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
p464
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one's fault... Penny... the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I'm looking at no one in particular... Penny.
p465
aVSheldon Cooper:   I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   D'you try calling her on the telephone?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The telephone...!\u000a[pauses]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Y'know... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.
p466
aVSheldon Cooper:  [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What do you want us to do about it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
p467
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hey, Cuddles!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Cuddles?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.
p468
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon! What would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm begging both of you, please, let's go!
p469
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Wait for moi.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're leaving?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, sometimes you forget. I'm a lady, and with that comes an estrogen-fueled need to page through thick, glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
p470
aVSheldon Cooper:   New topic: Women. Delightfully mysterious, or batcrap crazy?
p471
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Proposal: one wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Counter-proposal: I will gently stroke your head and repeat "Aww, who's a good Amy?"\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven, culminating in second base.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   We cuddle. Final offer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very well.
p472
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Phone rings] Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with "Ahoy?"\u000a[Answers phone]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ahoy? I like it.
p473
aVSheldon Cooper:   It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really? Amy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman; they are a handful.
p474
aV[Talking to Amy]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.
p475
aVSheldon Cooper:  [hearing Amy singing] She sounds weepy. I don't like weepy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, wait. Amy is your friend. Step up.\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Amy.\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Amy.\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Amy. See you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Leonard turns to leave] Wait, where are you going?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm single; I don't need this crap.
p476
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Wait, Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, and take me across the steet to that motel and have your way with me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah Sheldon, what would it take?\u000aSheldon:   I'm begging both of you, let's go.
p477
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)"(2012)Amy Farrah Fowler:   I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be be romantic.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Way to kill the mood.
p478
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me! You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You're gonna make him do dishes? That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar!
p479
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No. But your thumb does.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh dear!\u000a[faints]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yeah, *you're* a biologist.
p480
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998, and... it's still alive.
p481
aVSheldon Cooper:   Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
p482
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Five.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Un-huh. And an irrational constant.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   E.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And a funny Greek letter.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Gamma.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I said funny.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Upsilon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good one! And an electrical charge.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Positive.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ha. Perfect. Get this.\u000a[reads]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of\u000a[laughs]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   E to the upsilon as in a\u000a[breaks up laughing]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-\u000a[breaks up laughing again]
p483
aVHoward Wolowitz:   I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's not funny. That mistake got published.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Stop! I'm going to wet myself!
p484
aVPresident Siebert:   So then I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But if I don't come in to work, what am I supposed to do with myself?\u000aPresident Siebert:   Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sarcasm?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [sarcastically] No, you should go.
p485
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
p486
aVSheldon Cooper:   If the guard at the University asks what's under the blanket, you tell him it's some lobster traps.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Lobster traps?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, that's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
p487
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.
p488
aVSheldon Cooper:   There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.
p489
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now you do too.
p490
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Monopolar Expedition (#2.23)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   Oh, boy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't comment without violating our agreement that I don't criticize your work.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Then what was "Oh, boy"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great restraint on my part.
p491
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Corrects chart] There. How's that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You actually had it right the first time. Once again, you have fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!
p492
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Wait a minute! He offered to send you to the North Pole?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said "frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would."
p493
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, what words are there that I can say right now that will end this conversation so I can go back to sleep?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Odd. President Seibert posed the exact same question.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How was the matter resolved?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It wasn't. Mrs. Seibert sic her dogs on me.
p494
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   She didn't seem that upset that I was going.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. Did you think she was upset?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, good. I got one right. Are you upset?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   A little.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Two for two. I'm on fire.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I know she's not my girlfriend or anything, but don't you think she'd feel a little bad that I'd be gone for the whole summer?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That feels like a bonus question. I'm going to stop right here and say I've had a great time.
p495
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did Han Solo give up when Luke was lying in the frozen planet of Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to keep warm.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open.
p496
aVSheldon Cooper:   You're in my spot.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [to Rajesh] There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle.
p497
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm at the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Easy peasy. I'm doing it right now.
p498
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And to think I went to MIT for this.
p499
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [waking up] I want another cookie, Meemaw.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's just me\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But Meemaw was just making cookies.
p500
aV[a comment Penny made has given Leonard second thoughts about going on the Arctic expedition]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, obviously.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn't miss me that long and she meets someone else?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She does have a short attention span.
p501
aVPenny:   Oh, Leonard, what time is it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's 7 a.m. I'm sorry it's early, but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.\u000aPenny:   Okay.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What did you mean when you said you're going to miss me?\u000aPenny:   Um, I don't know. You'll be gone and I'll notice.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?\u000aPenny:   Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?\u000aPenny:   That wasn't a long hug.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.\u000aPenny:   Leonard, I don't know what to tell you. It was just a hug.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Glad we cleared that up.\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I guess I'll see you.\u000aPenny:   Okay, have a safe trip.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thank you. Bye.\u000aPenny:   Okay, bye.\u000a[Behind her door]\u000aPenny:   Means I wish you weren't going.
p502
aVHoward Wolowitz:   We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm still within earshot. You might want to wait for my bedroom door to close.\u000a[sound of Sheldon's door closing]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
p503
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Vegas Renormalization (#2.21)"(2009)Penny:  [Sheldon has locked himself out of his apartment] I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.\u000aPenny:   So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I left them in the bowl.
p504
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems, such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually-transmitted diseases.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Is it me, or was that Sheldon's way of saying "Vegas, baby!"?
p505
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you coming?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Great, we'll bring you back a T-shirt.
p506
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Are you from the Star Wars universe?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Were you in the original trilogy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Interesting. Are you a droid?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes!\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   C-3PO!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You got it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.
p507
aVSheldon Cooper:   I believe it's my turn. You may begin your questions whenever you're ready.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Are you Spock?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't like this game.
p508
aVSheldon Cooper:   While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.\u000aPenny:   That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.
p509
aVSheldon Cooper:   Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?\u000aPenny:   Of course it's making me uncomfortable! Can't you tell?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body langu...\u000aPenny:   I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you, that's very helpful.
p510
aV[Penny and Sheldon are trying to make small talk while eating]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How was your day?\u000aPenny:   Well, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are gonna be a little different...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all, just eat.
p511
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, I realize you're also on your own tonight so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.
p512
aV[last lines]\u000a[after Penny lets Sheldon stay over when he locks himself out of his apartment]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What were you doing at Penny's?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a *much* better understanding of "friends with benefits."
p513
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Howard is crying after Leslie dumps him] I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship, then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Of course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked, for God's sake.
p514
aVPenny:   I just remembered where the emergency key is.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Where?\u000aPenny:   In your apartment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's it doing in my apartment?\u000aPenny:   I went in there a few weeks ago, and you guys weren't home and I forgot it there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You went in my...? Why would...? What are you saying?\u000aPenny:   It's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.
p515
aVSheldon Cooper:   Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?\u000aPenny:   Well, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given its dimensions, I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book "The Tall Man from Cornwall".\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [in rhyming couplets] There was a tall man from Cornwall/Whose length exceeded his bed/My body fits on it/But barely upon it/There's no room for my big Cornish head.
p516
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)"(2011)Howard Wolowitz:  [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
p517
aVPenny:   Give my friend his stuff back.\u000aTodd Zarnecki:   I don't know what you're talking about.\u000aPenny:   Well then good news. Today is the day a girl is finally gonna touch you in your little special place.\u000a[Penny kicks his groin]\u000aPenny:   Now give him his stuff back.\u000aTodd Zarnecki:  [In deep pain] Ok.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [shouting] WE DID IT!\u000a[Penny looks at him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I said *WE*.
p518
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon:   Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
p519
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You called the police because somebody hacked your World of Warcraft account?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass in the desert sun! Plus, the FBI hung up on me!
p520
aVPenny:  [after Sheldon's game account got hacked] Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.\u000aSheldon:   That game! Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing... Alright, technically it's a game.
p521
aVRaj Koothrappali:  [while on a road-trip] I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This says Beyoncé Bootylicious Dance Mix.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's a rewritable CD, just put it in.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Beyoncé, really?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   She's curvy and she's owns it. I like that.
p522
aVOfficer Shin:   Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Dr. Cooper!\u000aOfficer Shin:   Seriously?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not the kind with access to drugs.
p523
aVOfficer Shin:   I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in... Pandora.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's from Avatar! World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun?
p524
aVSheldon Cooper:   It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm on it.\u000a[pulls out cell phone and dials]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz, is Howard there? Okay, thanks.\u000a[hangs up]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.
p525
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aw jeez, I don't know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh come on man, bros before... my sister.
p526
aVPriya Koothrappali:   Leonard, you're busy; let's talk tomorrow.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, wait. Hang on; are you upset?\u000aPriya Koothrappali:   No, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Good, good, I'll tell you what happened.\u000a[Priya leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Howard] People think *I* don't get sarcasm.
p527
aVTodd Zarnecki:  [Sheldon knocks on his front door] Who is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your doom!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Don't say "your doom". Who answers the door for their doom?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good point.\u000a[turning back to the door]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Basket of puppies!
p528
aVSheldon Cooper:   Stale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
p529
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cornhusker Vortex (#3.6)"(2009)Howard Wolowitz:   Sheldon knows football?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Apparently.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Unbelievable.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So you could teach me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Football or chicken fried meats?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
p530
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
p531
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, this sucks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that certainly would suck.
p532
aVRajesh Koothrappali:   Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me kite back?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate that the fallen kite go to the victor, and without rules the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture: I have your kite! I have your kite!
p533
aVSheldon Cooper:   All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm sorry?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
p534
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the Battlestar known as Galactica.
p535
aVSheldon Cooper:   Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What's wrong with a football jersey?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It was the smallest size they had. Except the one for dogs. I can't believe they have one for dogs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.
p536
aV[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz,Leonard Hofstadter,Rajesh Koothrappali:   Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"\u000aHoward Wolowitz,Leonard Hofstadter,Rajesh Koothrappali:  [after a beat] Kites ho!
p537
aVSheldon Cooper:   Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How would you put it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [pause] Yeah, okay, like you said.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."
p538
aVPenny:   Sheldon, come in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.\u000aPenny:   There's some in the fridge.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.\u000aPenny:   On Earth, we say thank you.
p539
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us; the dogs of war unleashed.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Maybe Koothrappali's right; maybe I embarrass her.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.
p540
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [watching football] What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [searching the index of "Football for Dummies"] Sacks, sacks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Huh.\u000a[looking through his book again]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Scrimmage...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
p541
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Precious Fragmentation (#3.17)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   There's six seasons, dude.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aw, crap!
p542
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Penny hits Sheldon when he tried to get the ring from her neck in her sleep] You hit me! I'm bleeding!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What was that?\u000aPenny:   Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's my girl.
p543
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I am the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the loveable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.
p544
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Takes the ring] Mine!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How is this maritime salvage?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Other than the lack of water, how is it not?
p545
aVHoward Wolowitz:   So, Sheldon. How's it feel to be beaten up by a girl?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to re-absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
p546
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you're suggesting that that is the actual Ring of Power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever-so-slight amusement.
p547
aVSheldon Cooper:   Where's the ring?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   The fires of Mount Doom?
p548
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Give us the precious.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Never!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [they fight] Give it to me!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Get off of me!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Give me the ring!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's mine!\u000aPenny:   OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Give it to me! I said give it to me!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!
p549
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have endless patience. I once spent two and a half hours on hold with Hewlitt Packard's customer service just to complain about their customer service.
p550
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Leonard refuses to let Sheldon have the ring] I don't understand why, in this group, I never get my way.\u000a[Leonard does a double take, unable to believe what he just heard]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You *always* get your way!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
p551
aVPenny:   Who's Adam West?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Who's Adam West"? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
p552
aV[Dream Sequence: Raj, Howard and Sheldon are sleeping. Raj lets go of the ring to snuggle up against Howard. Sheldon wakes up to discover he is still holding onto the ring]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [surprised and triumphant] I did it. The ring is mine. I've done it!\u000a[rushes off to the bathroom with the ring in his hand]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [shouts triumphantly] The ring is mine! IT'S MINE!\u000a[Sheldon enters the bathroom, turns on the sink and begins to clean the ring]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [as he cleans up the ring; he talks to himself] We're going to clean it up. And make it pretty.\u000a[Camera focuses on the ring in his hands]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [ecstatic] My Own, My Love...\u000a[His voice suddenly becomes a gutteral hiss like Gollum]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My *Preciousss*.\u000a[Camera reveals that Sheldon has transformed into Gollum as he looks at himself in the mirror, shocked. Sitcom audience bursts into laughter as he screams at his reflection... and out of the dream]
p553
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   Amy's sick.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aw, what's wrong with her?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's not what I meant.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What ails her?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, who knows.
p554
aVSheldon Cooper:   What can we do that's fun?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What can we do that's different?\u000aPenny:   What can we do that's free?
p555
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?\u000aPenny:   Yup.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.
p556
aVSheldon Cooper:   There's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo.
p557
aVSheldon Cooper:   Have you ever paid for a meal?\u000aPenny:   Not with money.
p558
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to the psychic] You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's *truly* deserved. This is malarkey.\u000a[he storms out]\u000aPenny:   Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the 'M' word before.
p559
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I... wanted to make it up to you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And how do you propose to do that?\u000a[Amy drops her coat to the floor, showing she is wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now, unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.
p560
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, ask your question.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK, I just did. What was it?\u000aPenny:   Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.\u000aPenny:   I can answer that one. I'll be bored.\u000aMs. Davora:   All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.\u000aMs. Davora:   I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.\u000aPenny:   Oh, oh. Here we go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.\u000aMs. Davora:   Does she work in a similar field to you?\u000aSheldon Cooper,Penny:   Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.\u000aMs. Davora:   They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.\u000aPenny:   Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?\u000aMs. Davora:   He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.\u000aMs. Davora:   Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you what this is? I reserve this word for those rear instances for it is truly deserving. This is malarkey.\u000aPenny:   Wow. You really struck a nerve. I never heard him use the M word before.
p561
aVPenny:   Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these\u000a[fortune cookies]\u000aPenny:   .\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.
p562
aVPenny:  [Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe] Son of a bitch! Bernadette isn't working late!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And Amy doesn't look sick.\u000aPenny:   Why would they lie to us?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know.\u000a[Knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy and Bernadette.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy and Bernadette.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?
p563
aVSheldon Cooper:   Uh...\u000aPenny:   What's wrong?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't understand my food. It's Chinese noodles, Korean barbecue, and a taco.\u000aPenny:   It's fusion.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.
p564
aVPenny:  [Reads her fortune cookie] "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.\u000aPenny:   Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.\u000a[Gives Sheldon a cookie]\u000aPenny:   Read.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Have you ever paid for a meal?\u000aPenny:   Not with money. Read.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Reads] "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."\u000aPenny:   Nope, try again.
p565
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Lizard-Spock Expansion (#2.8)"(2008)Sheldon Cooper:   I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
p566
aVRaj Koothrappali:  [Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game] I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
p567
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
p568
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
p569
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What's the emergency?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Where?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
p570
aVHoward Wolowitz:   There's got to be other options.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, snap!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Snap what?
p571
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's plan B?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why wasn't that plan A?
p572
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?\u000aRaj Koothrappali,Sheldon Cooper,Howard Wolowitz:   Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!\u000a[They all draw Spock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How do we decide that?\u000aRaj Koothrappali,Sheldon Cooper,Howard Wolowitz:   Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!\u000aRaj Koothrappali,Sheldon Cooper,Howard Wolowitz:  [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!
p573
aVSheldon Cooper:   If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you going to the office?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then how can I say it convincingly?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just say, "Leonard went to the office."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right.\u000a[Robotically]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Leonard went to... the office."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm going to the office.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   See, why don't I believe you?
p574
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't make the rules, Leonard.
p575
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.\u000aStephanie:   Hello, Howard.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
p576
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Compromise; watch Babylon 5.\u000a[chuckles]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In what sense is that a compromise?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.
p577
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (#3.1)"(2009)Leonard Hofstadter:   Oh, thank God we're home!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
p578
aVSheldon Cooper:   I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Grace.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
p579
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Actually, it was his idea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
p580
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Whispering] Do not make a sound.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whispering "do not make a sound" is a sound.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Damn his Vulcan hearing!
p581
aVSheldon Cooper:   I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
p582
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   It was the only way to make him happy.\u000aPenny:   Why did you have to make him happy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That seems like a bit of an overreaction!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"
p583
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.\u000aMary:   You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.\u000aMary:   And that is your opinion.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to the others] I forgive you. Let's go home.\u000a[leaves]\u000aMary:   Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
p584
aVRajesh Koothrappali:  [Whispering] We have to tell him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tell me what?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Damn his Vulcan hearing.
p585
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to his "spot" on the couch] Hello, old friend.\u000a[Sits down]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Daddy's home.
p586
aVPenny:   Soft kitty, warm kitty...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.\u000aPenny:   Oh, sorry. I don't know your sad song.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.
p587
aVMary:   If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.\u000aMary:   Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
p588
aVMary:  [Sheldon is about to take some food] Ah ah! We pray in this house. This is not California, home of the heathen.\u000a[Sheldon somewhat reluctantly puts down the food, wipes off his hand, then takes Mary's hand]\u000aMary:   By hius hand we are all...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fed.\u000aMary:   Thank you Lord our daily...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bread.\u000aMary:   Know that we are truly...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Grateful.\u000aMary:   For every cup and every...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Plate full.\u000aMary:   Amen. Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Shelly?
p589
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Barbarian Sublimation (#2.3)"(2008)Penny:   Oh, my God! A treasure chest. I'm rich!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Level 3 and she thinks she's rich. What a noob.
p590
aVSheldon Cooper:   Make yourself comfortable.\u000a[Penny starts to sit on Sheldon's "spot" on the sofa]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not there.
p591
aVSheldon Cooper:   Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?\u000aPenny:   No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right then.\u000aPenny:   For God's sake!\u000a[Goes inside]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
p592
aVSheldon Cooper:   Sheldor back on line.\u000aPenny:   What's AFK?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   AFK. Away from keyboard.\u000aPenny:   Oh, I see.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What does that stand for?\u000aPenny:   Oh, I see.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but what does it stand for?
p593
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker] Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's what makes it get all funky.
p594
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
p595
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You want to catch me up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh, she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh-huh. Seriously? Six months?
p596
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'll go talk to her.
p597
aVPenny:  [Penny walks into Sheldon's room as he's sleeping] Sheldon?\u000a[walks towards his bed]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon abruptly sits up after a dream] Danger, danger!\u000aPenny:   No danger, look it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple lotus swamp, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're in my bedroom.\u000aPenny:   Yes, Leonard gave me an emergency key.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   People can't be in my bedroom.\u000aPenny:   Ok, well, can we go talk in the living room?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.\u000aPenny:   Why not?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I spilled grape juice.\u000aPenny:   Well, wear different pajamas.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can't wear different pajamas; these are my Monday pajamas.
p598
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.\u000aPenny:   Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.\u000a[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]\u000aPenny:   Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.\u000a[she walks away]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
p599
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's Fortress; now, this is a long run so let's do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.\u000a[hears banging outside]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sheldor is AFK.\u000a[goes into hall]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?\u000aPenny:   Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You appear to have put your car key in the door lock; are you aware of that?\u000aPenny:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, then.\u000aPenny:   Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?\u000aPenny:   I can't get the damn key out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.\u000aPenny:   Thank you, Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're welcome. Point of inquiry: why did you put your car key in the door lock?\u000aPenny:   Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...\u000aPenny:   I know what it means, Sheldon! God! You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.
p600
aVLeslie Winkle:   Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel Committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh yeah? Well... you wouldn't even be nominated!
p601
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Terminator Decoupling (#2.17)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   I'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's Summer Glau.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's it.
p602
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So I'm thinking, you won the Nobel Prize, what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of "what has Smoot done lately?" My thought is we continue my research as a team; you know: Cooper-Smoot - alphabetical - and when we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top.\u000aDr. George Smoot:   With all due respect, Doctor Cooper, are you on crack?\u000a[he walks away]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine, Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.
p603
aV[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Stop! We can't do this; it's not right.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Sheldon, you have two choices; either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer; he offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive; we'll just erase the first season of 'Battlestar'.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Tears off orange seal] There, we're outlaws.
p604
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after forgetting his flash drive] Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There's nothing you can do about it, so relax. Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [in rhythm with the wheels] You-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [looking at his watch] Only 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.
p605
aVSheldon Cooper:   I forgot my flash drive!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So we have to go back!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ok, Sheldon, I'm gonna say "why?" and your answer cannot be "because I forgot my flash drive".
p606
aVPenny:   I love San Francisco; I wish I was going with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I understand your envy; this is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a round-table on the non-equilibrium green function approach to the photo-ionization process in atoms.\u000aPenny:   When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable-cars.
p607
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.\u000aPenny:   Oh, my God! *The* George Smoot?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ah, you've heard of him?\u000aPenny:   Of course I haven't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.\u000aPenny:   It's kind of a funny name, though. "Smoot".\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to the others] It's like talking to chimp.
p608
aVPenny:   Have a good flight.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yean, I wish.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're not flying; we're taking the train.\u000aPenny:   Oh, cool.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.\u000aPenny:   Well then, why are you doing it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.
p609
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I hate when that happens!
p610
aVSheldon Cooper:   Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   At least he's off the train crap.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whee!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   My money's on tuck and roll.
p611
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's Sheldon.\u000aPenny:   Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a train. Were you even listening to me?\u000aPenny:   Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what's up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.\u000aPenny:   Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favor.
p612
aVPenny:   Okay, I found the box. Now what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. Okay, first locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimeters. You'll hear a slight click.\u000aPenny:   Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Did you hear the click?\u000aPenny:   Not yet.\u000a[Penny sets the box on the floor and stomps on it]\u000aPenny:   There it is.
p613
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.\u000aProfessor Proton:   No, I, I get that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up as uh a hobo... or a surgeon.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You- it's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.\u000aProfessor Proton:   Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That, that, that means a lot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's important you know how much you mean to us.
p614
aVSheldon Cooper:   Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.\u000aProfessor Proton:   Just, just call me Arthur.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we're friends.\u000aProfessor Proton:   No. A, a friend would have, would have told me about the elevator.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.\u000aProfessor Proton:   Is, uh, is he dangerous?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Actually, he's a genius.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am.\u000aProfessor Proton:   Tha-that doesn't answer my question.
p615
aVSheldon Cooper:   Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It was pretty cool.\u000aPenny:   Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.
p616
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here, and you're happy with those you press this button.\u000aPenny:   Got it.\u000a[the toy missile launcher swivels]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found on li-\u000a[he is hit in the head by a toy missile]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   H-Hey!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Nice shot.\u000aPenny:   Uh, his giant head did most of the work.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very mature! You're lucky I'm out of silly string.
p617
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, my God, Leonard! He's available for parties and events. We should hire him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   To do what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him shoot twelve pictures with us for a calendar.
p618
aVProfessor Proton:   I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, there are no kids. The show is for me. Come on, I'll race ya... Arthur.
p619
aVProfessor Proton:   Let me get this straight. You two are physicists, and you want me to do a children's science show?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, and if there's time, take twelve photos with us in seasonal clothing.
p620
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do potato clock! Potato clock!\u000aPenny:   What's potato clock?\u000aProfessor Proton:   I run a clock with a potato.\u000aPenny:   Shut up! You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?\u000aProfessor Proton:   No.
p621
aVSheldon Cooper:   I met my childhood hero and I get to ride in an ambulance. If we've gotten to do that calendar, this would be the best day of my life.
p622
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Do you remember his theme song?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper:   Grab your goggles / Put your labcoat on / Here he comes / Professor Proton!
p623
aVSheldon Cooper:   I wrote you a fan letter when I was a child in Texas, and you sent me this autographed picture. Do you remember that?\u000aProfessor Proton:   I'll give you a hint: I have a bracelet with my own address on it.
p624
aVSheldon Cooper:   But you're Professor Proton. Children love you.\u000aProfessor Proton:   And where has it gotten me? I carry a potato in my suitcase, other scientists think I'm a joke, the puppeteer who did Geno... also did my wife.
p625
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Pancake Batter Anomaly (#1.11)"(2008)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Checkmate.\u000aLeonard:   Aaow! Again?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Obviously, you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.\u000aLeonard:   Just reset the board.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
p626
aVLeonard:   What the hell are you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm making Petri dishes to grow throat cultures.\u000aLeonard:   With lime Jello?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I need a growth medium, and *someone* polished off the apricot yogurt.
p627
aVSheldon Cooper:   We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska, I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.
p628
aVLeonard:   Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionized plasma?
p629
aVPenny:   You are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. But not by myself.\u000aPenny:   Really? Never?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, once, when I was fifteen and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.\u000aPenny:   Studying abroad?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
p630
aVLeonard:   How was Nebraska?\u000aPenny:   Oh, better than North Dakota.\u000a[pause]\u000aPenny:   Guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   From the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
p631
aVSheldon Cooper:   If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appeared, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
p632
aVSheldon Cooper:   Wait.\u000a[hands Leonard a measuring cup]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Put this in the bathroom.\u000aLeonard:   What for?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.\u000aLeonard:   I mix pancake batter in this!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.\u000aLeonard:   You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's right here on the bottom.\u000aLeonard:   Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
p633
aV[Sheldon, obviously sick, orders soup in the restaurant where Penny is working]\u000aPenny:   Why didn't you just have soup at home?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it?\u000aPenny:   You can have soup delivered.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I did not think of that.
p634
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [on the phone with Leonard] Hang on, call waiting.\u000aLeonard:   No, don't, don't...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [switches over] Hello?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Howard, I'm sick.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Uh.\u000a[imitating his mother]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I need soup.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [still imitating his mother] Then call your own mother.
p635
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can you sing "Soft Kitty".\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.\u000aPenny:   I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll teach you. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now you.\u000aPenny:   Soft kitty, warm kitty...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.\u000aPenny:  [angry] Little ball of fur.
p636
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?\u000aLeonard:   I don't think Penny's ever coming here again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm very congested.\u000aLeonard:   Yeah, so?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Could you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucous?\u000aLeonard:   If I stand, I'll vomit.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.
p637
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, that was a different guy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was this the guy who wedgied you so hard your testicle reascended and you spent the whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, that was a different-different guy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, oh, oh! Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, that... Actually, that was this guy's sister.
p638
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I told you, that was a different guy.\u000aPenny:   Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
p639
aVSheldon Cooper:   "One for good luck." Must be the math they do at Princeton.
p640
aVSheldon Cooper:  [while they run] You did it, Leonard! You stood up to your bully!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't need to outrun him. I just need to outrun you!
p641
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Do you want to hear something weird?\u000aPenny:   Sure.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you talking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. I thought it was a game.
p642
aVSheldon Cooper:   OK, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.\u000aPenny:   Basketball Pope.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And that's how it's done.
p643
aVJimmy:   Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big time scientist now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And there's the first zinger. Ouch.
p644
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies] Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.
p645
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I might kill him right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.
p646
aVSheldon Cooper:   What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature, and his congenital lack of masculinity.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.
p647
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   God Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign to my mouth every time I speak?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You have a sarcasm sign?
p648
aVSheldon Cooper:   Better because he is tinier.
p649
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   And now that I have some wood, I'm going to begin the erection of my settlements.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [sotto, to Wolowitz] He's got to be doing this on purpose.
p650
aVSheldon Cooper:   The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Where on earth did you get that from?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That doesn't make it true.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.
p651
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe indian? Tex-Mex?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of amammals?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, let's talk about that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, "Bring a sweater. It's slow outside". I love my mind.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We all do. Now, how about dinner?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects, or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them; they'll just grow back.
p652
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I guess it didn't go well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.\u000a[Leonard groans loudly from his room]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How about now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
p653
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon discovers he's received the wrong cardboard cut-out Spock] Oh no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!
p654
aVSheldon Cooper:   I want to build a road, but I need wood. Either of you fellows have wood?\u000a[Raj and Howard snicker]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't understand the laughter. The object of "Settlers of Catan" is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
p655
aVSheldon Cooper:   You want to know my opinion?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Howard] Sarcasm?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [Spiteful] No.
p656
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?\u000a[Raj and Howard laugh]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, come on! I just want wood! Why are you making it so hard?\u000a[Raj and Howard laugh harder]
p657
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now, back to our game.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You were in the middle of an erection.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, of course! It's right here in my hand.
p658
aVSheldon Cooper:   O-o-oh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!
p659
aVSheldon Cooper:   After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's customary when using the restroom at a retail establishment to make a small purchase. Did you?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [snorts] Here's two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't want beef jerky.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not about *you*. It's about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.
p660
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again-off-again relationship with her, because I'm very, very hungry.
p661
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Transporter Malfunction (#5.20)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.
p662
aVMr. Spock:   Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is someone there?\u000aMr. Spock:   Down here, on your desk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Spock?\u000aMr. Spock:   I need to speak with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fascinating! The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.\u000aMr. Spock:   It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Was I hit on the head by a coconut?\u000aMr. Spock:   I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but it's mint in box.\u000aMr. Spock:   Yes, and to open it would destroy its value. But remember like me, you also have a human-half.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well I'm not going to dignify *that* with a response.\u000aMr. Spock:   Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To be played with.\u000aMr. Spock:   Therefore, to not play with it would be...?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Illogical. Oh, damnit Spock your'e right! I'll do it!\u000aMr. Spock:   Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right?
p663
aVPenny:   Tada!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Where did you get that?\u000aPenny:   That's from Stuart at the comic book store.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You went to the comic book store by yourself?\u000aPenny:   Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This calls for an expression of gratitude.\u000aPenny:   Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.\u000a[makes a finger-gun gesture]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thanks, Penny!\u000aPenny:   You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.\u000aPenny:   And... I got you a transporter too!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Awesome!
p664
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Oh my God, I love this chicken!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.\u000aPenny:   Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.
p665
aVSheldon Cooper:   I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
p666
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I don't think so.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.
p667
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Dreams he's on another planet] Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.
p668
aVMr. Spock:   Well, I am unhappy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.\u000aMr. Spock:   I come from a factory in Taiwan.
p669
aVSheldon Cooper:   It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why would you open mine?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, you should talk to Stuart.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.\u000aPenny:   What is the truth?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, that I believe.
p670
aVSheldon Cooper:   And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And that's a lie, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.
p671
aVSheldon Cooper:   Quantum physics makes me so happy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah? I'm glad.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's like looking at the universe naked.
p672
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)"(2012)Penny:   Why are you washing Howard's man panties?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.\u000aPenny:   Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's close enough.
p673
aVSheldon Cooper:  [wearing a French maid costume] What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
p674
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, he worships Hawking.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's really nice of you, Howard.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's no big deal.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, okay, let me see this.\u000a[Starts writing]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...\u000a[pauses]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You still going to tell him about you-know-who?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yep.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Still going to introduce him?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Not on your life!
p675
aVSheldon Cooper:   Alright! What would you like me to do first?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's nice.\u000a[Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's a lot of belt buckles.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
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aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um, to go to Jewish heaven?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Jews don't have heaven.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, to avoid Jewish hell?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!
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aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.\u000aStephen Hawking:   I know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I want to thank you for taking time to see me.\u000aStephen Hawking:   My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know.\u000aStephen Hawking:   Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.\u000aStephen Hawking:   That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you mean wrong?\u000aStephen Hawking:   You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite a boner.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, no... th-th-th-that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.\u000aStephen Hawking:   Are you saying I do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo. And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.\u000a[Faints]\u000aStephen Hawking:   Great, another fainter.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, please! I'm begging you!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.
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aVHoward Wolowitz:   I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What kinds of things?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You should be so lucky.
p680
aVMrs. Wolowitz:   Sheldon! I need your help!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?\u000aMrs. Wolowitz:   It's this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you want me to do?\u000aMrs. Wolowitz:   We're gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing!
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aVHoward Wolowitz:   All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Give me a compliment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. You have very tiny hands.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're obviously good at what you do.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Then why are you always ripping on me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, I understand the confusion. Uh, I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me; I'd take it and run.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, please. This is Steven Hawking! Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
p683
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How is that not amusing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Next time you should open with that.
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aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Sheldon hands Amy a gift bag, as a token of apology; Amy isn't pleased at first] Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu...\u000a[her tone and expression transform instantly, as she takes out the gift]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OHHH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!\u000a[she dashes around gleefully]\u000aPenny:  [helps her put it on] You... look... beautiful.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OF COURSE I DO, I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!\u000a[she embraces Sheldon and doesn't let go]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right, a tiara was too much.
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aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [shown playing video game] Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Some people go outside and do that.
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aVSheldon Cooper:  [game character walks into saloon] I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know... Digital alcohol is never a solution.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.
p688
aVPenny:   Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How is this lying?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
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aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Lord. A man steps out for a minute to empty his bowels and catch up on the latest adventures of the Caped Crusader, and returns to find that his apartment has transformed into a cabaret.
p691
aVPenny:   Well, if it isn't Pasadena's favorite new power couple, Shamy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Amy] And that is the answer to your question "what is wrong with going to the Cheesecake Factory?"
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aVPenny:   Sheldon, what is wrong with you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is. When they start munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.\u000aPenny:   Oh, my God! Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Einstein Approximation (#3.14)"(2010)[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Whatcha doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.\u000aPenny:   Interesting. I usually just have coffee.
p695
aVPenny:  [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aye, aye, captain.
p696
aVHoward Wolowitz:   How long has he been stuck?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and pwenty degrees.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Have you tried rebooting him?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I think it's a firmware problem.
p697
aVPenny:   Sheldon, what do you want?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I came to tell you, I've got the answer.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really? You figured out the graphene problem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.\u000aPenny:   Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you talking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Einstein.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Albert Einstein.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Keep going...
p698
aVSandy:   So, Mister Cooper, you're looking for a job.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A menial job. Like yours.\u000aSandy:   Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month.
p699
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Serves Howard] For you, the double bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary laws at once - kudos...\u000a[Serves Raj]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... the fish sticks with french fries - here's the tartar sauce, and this is a mango salsa; I think you'll like it, it gives it a little zing...\u000a[Serves Leonard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And the Factory enchilada grande, no cheese to avoid any lactose intolerance issues. Enjoy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just a second. Black beans, not pinto beans?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Double guacamole?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Lettuce shredded, not chopped?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You understand why I'm doing this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I do.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thank you, that will be all.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   When Albert Einstein came up with Special Relativity, he was working at the Patent Office.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So you're going to go work at the Patent Office?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't be absurd; that's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city the streets are laid out in a wheel and spoke pattern.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.\u000aPenny:   No, Leonard doesn't snore.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Told you.
p702
aVRaj Koothrappali:   OK, just to be clear, roller-skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
p703
aV[having figured out the solution to his physics problem, Sheldon turns to leave the Cheesecake Factory, leaving a mess of food on the floor]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, where are you going? Aren't you going to clean this up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, I don't work here.
p704
aVPenny:   Have you been up all night?\u000aSheldon:   Is it morning?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Then I've been up all night.
p705
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)"(2013)[last lines]\u000aBarry Kripke:   Yeah, yeah. Was she naked or was she wearing wangeway?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't notice.\u000aBarry Kripke:   How could you not notice?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Ahh, you're killing me, Cooper!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can we get back to work?\u000aBarry Kripke:   Sure, sure.\u000a[pause]\u000aBarry Kripke:   You guys ever use any toys?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Toys? I live with a model rocket next to my bed.\u000aBarry Kripke:   A wocket? You're a fweak! I wuv it.
p706
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, your food's getting cold.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.\u000aPenny:   Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.
p707
aVSheldon Cooper:   I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!\u000a[starts crying]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do we have to lose?\u000a[Amy hugs him tightly]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How's that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.\u000a[Amy lets go]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why'd you stop?\u000a[Amy hugs him again]
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aVPenny:   Sheldon, could I ask you a question?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You ever gonna sleep with Amy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's awfully personal.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We don't ask Sheldon things like that.\u000aPenny:   Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.\u000aPenny:   All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.\u000aPenny:   So, what's the problem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.\u000aPenny:   Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [a long pause] It's a possibility.\u000aPenny:  [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!\u000a[Out loud]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hey.\u000a[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]
p709
aVSheldon Cooper:   Don't look at my board!\u000a[Flips board over; the other side has a drawing of a train]\u000aBarry Kripke:   What's that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's a drawing of a really cool train. You don't look at that either!
p710
aVPenny:   Want me to make you some tea?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So, cocoa?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, cocoa!
p711
aVHoward Wolowitz:   What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would it come with kung-fu grip?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't waste my time.
p712
aVBarry Kripke:   I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.\u000aBarry Kripke:   No, they're making us work together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!
p713
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, geez! What a grouch.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.
p714
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Penny] Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [raises hand] Oh, teacher, me! Me!
p715
aVSheldon Cooper:   How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?\u000aBarry Kripke:   How do I know you're not going to do that with mine?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad Magazine.
p716
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Classified Materials Turbulence (#2.22)"(2009)Stuart:   Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me! Spoiler alert!\u000aStuart:   But I didn't spoil anything.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be *re*-blown.\u000aStuart:   I'm sorry.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Said the Grinch to Christmas.
p717
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?\u000aStuart:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.
p718
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.\u000a[takes a deep breath]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, yes!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   They're on me today, boys.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Is that supposed to be funny?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
p719
aVSheldon Cooper:   You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It must be hell inside your head.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At times.
p720
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.\u000a[shakes his head]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
p721
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...
p722
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Where you going?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Comic book store.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Me too.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why does Leonard get to go?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thanks for understanding, Howard.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I got your back, sister.
p723
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Guys, we have a code red.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How teeny-tiny?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But the mission is for six months.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Have you notified NASA?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you gonna do?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So what do you need us for?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   He can't figure out how to fix it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!
p724
aVSheldon Cooper:   I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.\u000a[turning to Sheldon]\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
p725
aVSheldon Cooper:   I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.
p726
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.\u000aPenny:   What's classified?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.\u000a[Sheldon smirks at Howard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.
p727
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Plimpton Stimulation (#3.21)"(2010)Howard Wolowitz:   Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sarcasm?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
p728
aVPenny:   You're having a woman stay with you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?\u000aPenny:   Oh, no no no no no, I'm not flabbergasted. I'm... puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.
p729
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
p730
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.
p731
aVSheldon Cooper:   Vocal test, morning vocal test.\u000a[Clears throat]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Second vocal test, second morning vocal test.
p732
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.
p733
aVSheldon Cooper:   In here, you'll find emergency provisions: an eight day supply of food and water, a crossbow, Season Two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.\u000aDr. Elizabeth Plimpton:   What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then there's really no reason to live, is there?
p734
aVPenny:   You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, now...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.\u000aPenny:   I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Come on. It wasn't my fault.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?\u000aPenny:   You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny, I can still drive you.\u000aPenny:   Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
p735
aVDr. Elizabeth Plimpton:   Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?\u000aDr. Elizabeth Plimpton:   I'm so glad you understand.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, I understand too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your just misappropriating my understanding.
p736
aVSheldon Cooper:  [in the bathroom] Pee for Houston, pee for Austin / Pee for the state my heart got lost in.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And shake twice for Texas.
p737
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.
p738
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)"(2011)Sheldon:   I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.\u000aLeonard:   Yeah? What about it?\u000aSheldon:   That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Are you listening to this guy?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.\u000aLeonard:   Lucky bastard!\u000aSheldon:   Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.
p739
aV[Amy is telling Sheldon about her addiction research]\u000aAmy:   I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.\u000aSheldon:   Have you learned anything?\u000aAmy:   Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it's not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.
p740
aV[Sheldon and Leonard are playing Wii archery]\u000aSheldon:   What an elf I would have made.
p741
aVSheldon:   I'm no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase "Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.\u000aAmy:   I should think so. That's gold.
p742
aV[Leonard walks into the apartment with takeout]\u000aLeonard:   Hope you're hungry.\u000aSheldon:   Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country... cruel taunt in the Sudan. It's a lesson in context.
p743
aVSheldon:   I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
p744
aVAmy:   Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.\u000aSheldon:   Pun intended?\u000aAmy:   No. Happy accident.\u000aSheldon:   This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.\u000aAmy:   I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.\u000aSheldon:   Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow-by-blow, as it were.\u000aAmy:   Pun intended?\u000aSheldon:   I'm sorry, what pun?
p745
aVAmy:   I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.\u000aSheldon:   I wish you hadn't done that! That's going to make me a chick magnet, and I'm so busy as it is.
p746
aV[first lines]\u000aBrian Greene:   My new book, 'The Hidden Reality', takes on a grand question: Is *our* universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In 'The Hidden Reality' I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.\u000aSheldon:  [to Amy] Hysterical.\u000aAmy:  [to Sheldon] I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.\u000aSheldon:   Agreed. Yo, wait 'til you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.\u000aBrian Greene:   You can think about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A you can't order the corresponding dish in column B; that's sort of like the Uncertainty Principle.\u000aSheldon:   Ba-dum-bump.
p747
aV[Howard has announced his intention to propose to Bernadette, but Leonard and Sheldon heard that she was planning on breaking up with him]\u000aLeonard:   Poor guy. He's gonna be blindsided.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [grinning like an idiot] I know. It'll be awful!\u000aSheldon:   Why are you smiling?\u000aLeonard:  [knowing Raj has a crush on Bernadette] Yeah, Raj, why?
p748
aVAmy:  [proposing her gossip experiment] Are you familiar with meme theory?\u000aSheldon:   I'm familiar with everything, but go on.
p749
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)"(2012)Wil Wheaton:   Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.
p750
aV[Sheldon is excusing himself from Wil Wheaton to talk with Amy]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll be right back.\u000a[hands Wil a Wesley Crusher action figure]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Feel free to play with yourself.
p751
aVWil Wheaton:   Excuse me, but I've been acting since I was a child. I think I can handle a little web show.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's true. In 1982 he played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.
p752
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Your friend was rude to me and you should have taken my side. Good night, Sheldon.\u000a[Logs off]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wow. Amy's mad at me and Leonard was right. What a weird day.
p753
aVPenny:   What'll you have to drink?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Usually I have some chamomile tea, but I'm pretty upset. I don't think that's going to cut it.\u000aPenny:   How about a Long Island iced tea?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Will that do the charm?\u000aPenny:   It's charmed the pants off of me a couple of times.
p754
aVPenny:   You're from Texas. You're supposed to stand up and defend the honor of your woman folk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple, rustic upbringing. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.\u000aPenny:   Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
p755
aVWil Wheaton:   Are you drunk?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Just tea. Best tea I've ever had.
p756
aVSheldon Cooper:   I need to have a talk about women.\u000aPenny:   I always knew we would have this talk sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm in the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair since I was nineteen.\u000aPenny:   I see, and for the record...\u000a[makes gagging sound]
p757
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. And welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our Design Your Own Flag competition, but I can't. The only entry was from gamygamer seventy-five, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now, this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help me I'm pleased to introduce internet personality, uh, former star of 'Star Trek: The Next Generation', and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one-sixteenth scale... Set phasers to fun! for my friend, Wil Wheaton.
p758
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help us I'm pleased to introduce a special guest - surprisingly it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here - Mr. LeVar Burton.\u000aLeVar Burton:   Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags...\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Cut! Yikes! The guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to leVar] I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.\u000aLeVar Burton:   Ahh, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?
p759
aVSheldon Cooper:  [drunkenly confronting Wil] As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting?\u000a[trying to hold back]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Never mind, I'll choose.\u000a[leans over the railing and vomits]
p760
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Septum Deviation (#8.9)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   It's not life-threatening. Why are you getting surgery?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections...\u000aPenny:   Back off. He's mine.
p761
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you get the surgery, the snoring is gone. If you die during surgery... the snoring is gone.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sounds like either way I finally get some rest.
p762
aVSheldon Cooper:   What if you're allergic to latex gloves?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm not allergic to latex.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, what about epilepsy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't have epilepsy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You don't, but the doctor might. One shaky scalpel and your carotid artery becomes a dancing fountain at Disneyland.
p763
aVSheldon Cooper:   I assume the clinic has already treated the burns on your bottom from your recent pants fire.\u000aPenny:   Because I'm a liar, liar?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's for the fire marshall to determine.
p764
aVPenny:  [Noticing the teddy bear Sheldon has] It's nice you got that for Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, this isn't for Leonard. Amy bought me this.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   He stubbed his toe on the revolving door.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know those confounded things confuse me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Then why did you keep going around?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There was a large plant in the lobby. I kept mistaking it for the outside.
p765
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Playing Heads Up; the clue is Tesla] Okay, this is someone you love.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I got it, it's me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No. He's an underapreciated scientist.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Still think it's me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's not you. Now think. He has a car named after him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course there is: the Mini Cooper, because it's me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Let's try this. He's the poorman's Sheldon Cooper.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Tesla! It's Tesla.
p766
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm certainly not going to die by asteroid impact.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know who else thought that? Every cocky T.rex currently swimming around in your car tank.
p767
aVSheldon Cooper:   You seem odd.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm always odd. Everyone knows that. Last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could put in my mouth.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tell me the truth.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Fifty-eight.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, the real truth.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Twenty-six.
p768
aVSheldon Cooper:  [a tremor shakes the waiting room] What was that?\u000aPenny:   It's just a small tremor.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.\u000a[Power goes out]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, you can't go in there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Try and stop me.\u000a[Runs into glass door and falls]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are you all right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why didn't you stop me?
p769
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What you get?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I ordered this before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.\u000aPenny:   It's morbid. Send it back.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these pain killers.\u000aPenny:   Why'd you get two? "I'm with stupid."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that one's mine.
p770
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Leonard is going in for surgery] It's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my own mucus powered white noise machine.
p771
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Commitment Determination (#8.24)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Amy's mad at me and I'm not sure why.\u000aPenny:   Okay, were you talking before she got mad?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aPenny:   Well, that's probably it.
p772
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Irony's not really my strong suit.
p773
aVSheldon Cooper:   But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [sarcastic] Oh, sure, I'd love to.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whenever you're ready.
p774
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm going to guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, not just a season. If I'm in, I'm in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.
p775
aVPenny:   Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.\u000aPenny:   Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.
p776
aVPenny:   Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Too slow?\u000aPenny:   Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's right. It's called foreplay.
p777
aVPenny:   Still haven't heard from her?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, and I'm confused. It's been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she's wrong by now.
p778
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   It's not just the date. We haven't talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.
p779
aV[Sheldon and Amy are Skyping]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Strongly disagree. Go on.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but... I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I hope you understand.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Bye, Sheldon.\u000a[Skype session ends and Sheldon looks at a statue of Gollum]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings.\u000a[Sheldon takes out an engagement ring from his desk drawer]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do I do with this one?
p780
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That's what you're thinking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, one of the things.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are any of them me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. I thought, I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy. Anyway.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What are you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right, you did kind of kill the mood.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [sarcastically] Oh, sure, I'd love to.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whenever you're ready.
p781
aVSheldon Cooper:   What happened?\u000aPenny:   Your little buddy got mugged by a bunch of baby farm animals.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Been there.
p782
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Piñata Polarization (#2.7)"(2008)Penny:   What was my first strike?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   March eighteenth. You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.\u000aPenny:   I did?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The photo of a cat who wants to "haz cheezburger"?\u000aPenny:   Oh, come on, everyone loves LOLcats. They're cute, and they can't spell, 'cause they're cats.
p783
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
p784
aVSheldon Cooper:   You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
p785
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, Penny, but we're...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No don't tell her!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ...playing Klingon Boggle.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Awww...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?
p786
aVSheldon Cooper:   Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, well your "ken" can kiss my Barbie.
p787
aVPenny:  [Referring to her underwear] How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."\u000aPenny:   Get them down.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Apologize.\u000aPenny:   Never!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.
p788
aVSheldon Cooper:  [in a computer message] Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thanks a lot, Howard.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.
p789
aV[Penny has innocently taken an onion ring from Sheldon's plate of food]\u000aPenny:   I didn't know. I'm sorry.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You have two strikes. Three strikes, and you're out.\u000a[Penny looks at him blankly]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a sports metaphor.\u000aPenny:   A sports metaphor?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, baseball.
p790
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Congratulations, you're officially one of us.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [chanting] One of us! One of us!
p791
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny.\u000aPenny:   Yes?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well played.\u000aPenny:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Just remember, with great power cones great responsibility.\u000aPenny:   Understood.
p792
aVSheldon Cooper:   You're sitting in my spot.\u000aPenny:   Oh, gee... you gotta be kidding me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, she's in my spot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, yeah. Uh... see, here's the thing: after you leave, I still have to live with him.\u000aPenny:   I don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically.
p793
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Excelsior Acquisition (#3.16)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:  [knock knock knock] Penny?\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny?\u000a[Penny immediately opens the door]\u000aPenny:  [knock knock knock] Penny?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's just wrong.
p794
aVSheldon Cooper:   Good morning, your honor. Doctor Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That means I am representing myself.\u000aJudge J. Kirby:   I know what it means. I went to law school.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And yet you wound up in traffic court.
p795
aVSheldon Cooper:   I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
p796
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me? Excuse me, jailer?\u000aGuard:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I need to use the restroom.\u000aGuard:  [Motions to cell toilet] Knock yourself out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the toilet?\u000aGuard:   Well, it ain't a wishing well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
p797
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
p798
aVSheldon Cooper:   I object! You're completely ignoring the law!\u000aJudge J. Kirby:   No, I'm following the law; I'm ignoring you.
p799
aVSheldon Cooper:   I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's crazy; Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Which is why no-one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique albeit confusing artifact which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   That's a great idea; I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What is it about the the word 'unique' you don't understand?
p800
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.\u000aPenny:   Yup.\u000a[Penny rings the doorbell]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.\u000aPenny:   Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...\u000a[the door opens]\u000aStan Lee:   Yeah?\u000aPenny:   Are you Stan Lee?\u000aStan Lee:   Oh damn.\u000aPenny:   Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.\u000aPenny:   Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.\u000aStan Lee:   I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You said we *were* invited.\u000aPenny:   Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.\u000aStan Lee:   You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.\u000a[walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny]\u000aPenny:   Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.\u000aStan Lee:   Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!\u000aPenny:   Nice to meet you.\u000a[Penny runs away]
p801
aVSheldon:  [to large man in jail cell] That's my spot.
p802
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You *are* guilty.\u000a[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That one I liked.
p803
aV[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, where you been?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [sarcastically] Sweet.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
p804
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bozeman Reaction (#3.13)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   Oh dear Lord, they redid the menu.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So what? Its the same food.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under 'specialties'; it's now under 'chicken'.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, General Tso.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Not 'Tso' the chicken, 'so' the question.
p805
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And why is that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It was listed under seafood.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?\u000a[laughs]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?
p806
aVSheldon Cooper:   My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don't like that.
p807
aVSheldon Cooper:   I do not have to urinate. I am master of my own bladder.\u000a[Beat]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Drat!
p808
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Would I be completely out of line for me to ask you to shoot him?\u000aOfficer Hackett:   I'd be happy to put him under a seventy-two hour psychiatric hold.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
p809
aVPenny:   Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, if that were only true.
p810
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Arriving in Bozeman, Montana] That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!\u000aYoung Man:   Uh, help you with your bag, sir?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you, fellow Bozite! And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.\u000a[Man runs off with Sheldon's bags]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait!\u000a[Runs out]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait! Excuse me!\u000a[Returns and goes to ticket counter]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
p811
aVSheldon Cooper:   They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We like games.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.\u000aOfficer Hackett:  [writing] Assorted video games.
p812
aVSheldon Cooper:  [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's obviously a typo.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
p813
aV[last lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [as Sheldon enters] Hey! Look who's back!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.
p814
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   They call themselves Bozites?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
p815
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Wheaton Recurrence (#3.19)"(2010)Leonard Hofstadter:   Could we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, how about this for a topic: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course they are. Leonard's being one.
p816
aVSheldon Cooper:   I so loathe you.\u000aWil Wheaton:   That's right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's not even from your franchise!
p817
aVStuart:   You guys still on for bowling tonight?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your momma! Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.\u000aStuart:   Oh. Ouch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is what is referred to as a burn on you.
p818
aVSheldon Cooper:   You did this, didn't you?\u000aWil Wheaton:   You think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I suppose not.\u000aWil Wheaton:   Good. Keep thinking that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [under his breath] Wheaton!
p819
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.\u000aPenny:   Oh, right. Bowling.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.\u000aPenny:   No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.\u000aPenny:   Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sarcasm?\u000aPenny:   Thinly-veiled contempt.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Remember: seven o'clock!\u000aPenny:   Got it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Pacific Daylight Time.\u000aPenny:   Bite me!
p820
aVSheldon Cooper:  [as Wil picks up a spare] A common spare; the Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it's really done.\u000a[picks up ball]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes.
p821
aVWil Wheaton:   You're not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm the proud owner of wilwheatonstinks.com, .net and .org. What does that tell you?\u000aWil Wheaton:   It tells me that I am living rent-free right here.\u000a[Points at Sheldon's head]
p822
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is for you.\u000aPenny:   Ice cream?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says "Ack!" and eats ice cream.\u000aPenny:   Uuum... Ack!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.
p823
aVPenny:   Leonard, stop pressuring me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm not pressuring you.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, you are! Just back off!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.\u000aPenny:   I didn't mean shut up.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.\u000aPenny:   No. That isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.\u000a[she heads for the door]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, let her go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm pretty sure it's already over.
p824
aVSheldon:   Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
p825
aVWil Wheaton:   After you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, after you. As we are currently crushing you, Wesley.\u000aWil Wheaton:   It's customary for the player on the right lane to bowl first.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right.\u000a[as Sheldon prepares to bowl, Wil bowls his own ball; Wil gets a spare, while Sheldon throws a gutter ball]\u000aWil Wheaton:  [Sheldon stares at him, offended] It's a custom, not a rule.
p826
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Jiminy Conjecture (#3.2)"(2009)Howard Wolowitz:   Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.\u000aSheldon:   I can't take your money.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What's the matter? You chicken?\u000aSheldon:   I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Chickens can't climb trees.\u000aSheldon:   Thank God.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay.\u000a[Holds hands up in surrender]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
p827
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did I cross a line?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Of course. You...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No, let him figure it out by himself.
p828
aVSheldon Cooper:   I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?\u000a[Howard points to his nose]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good. Now I can eat.
p829
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [a cricket chirps] What was that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hold on.\u000a[Looks at watch while cricket chirps]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is a snowy tree cricket.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How can you tell?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
p830
aVSheldon Cooper:   What was that?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?
p831
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Raj] Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.\u000a[Raj stares at Sheldon]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.\u000a[Raj still stares]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're welcome.
p832
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.\u000aSheldon:   Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   First of all...\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
p833
aVProfessor Crawley:   Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket!\u000aSheldon:  [to Howard] Told you!
p834
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!\u000aSheldon:   Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
p835
aVRajesh Koothrappali:  [as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft] Be careful.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
p836
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [Opens book] There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hang on.\u000a[Leafs through book]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".
p837
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Isotope (#2.20)"(2009)[Sheldon and Howard grab the same comic book]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Let it go, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why should I let it go, I saw it first?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yes, but I saw it from the front.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A far less impressive feat.
p838
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Apparently so.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you ill?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When did you pick up on that!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A moment ago when you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
p839
aVStuart:   Look Sheldon, it's late, I've gotta get some sleep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So I win.\u000aStuart:   No, I'm tired.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So I win.\u000aStuart:   Fine, you win.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Darn tootin' I win.
p840
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Penny is asleep] Don't wake her. She'll maul you like a rabid wolverine.
p841
aVStuart:   You can throw all the French around you want, it doesn't make you right.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Au contraire.
p842
aV[first lines]\u000a[Sheldon moans]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Problem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is Thai food.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Here we go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We don't have Thai food on Thursday, we have pizza on Thursday.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be anything-can-happen Thursday.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of anything-can-happen Thursday.
p843
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I just wannna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self employed and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
p844
aVLeonard:   Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?\u000aSheldon:   The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, that one.
p845
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, we agreed we'd do something different tonight.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Let's go to the comic book store.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   We went to the comic book store last night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Last night was Wednesday; Wednesday *is* comic book night. Tonight we'll be going on Thursday because it's anything-can-happen Thursday.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.
p846
aVStuart:   Here, Sheldon. I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.\u000aSheldon:   Excuse me, spoiler alert.\u000aStuart:   But I didn't spoil anything.\u000aSheldon:   You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
p847
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, I've spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.\u000aStuart:   Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What's the topic?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am asserting, in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.\u000aStuart:   Ooh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.\u000aStuart:   Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Has to be? Has to be? I hope you're being deliberately provocative
p848
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)"(2013)Amy Farrah Fowler:   Do you hear anything?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I hear a woman's voice.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Is it Penny?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's you.
p849
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Really?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. You're either with me or against me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You want to take the bus to work?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Maybe there's a third option.
p850
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   So, am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Where do you think I would take you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who knows? You said you'd be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know I'll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm going to work. You can come if you want.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I don't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in hell.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, I'll give you that one.
p851
aVSheldon Cooper:   Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.\u000aStuart:   Happy to. Unless its hope or reason to live.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown.
p852
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And here's another interesting weather fact.\u000aPenny:   Another? Great!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Changes in jet-streams can affect the speed at which the earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.\u000aPenny:   Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Joke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.\u000aPenny:   You know, I will miss this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll tell you what. If my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. You can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence.\u000aPenny:   I won't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That criticism will come later in your report card.\u000aPenny:   Yeah! I didn't stay for the detention; I'm not going to read the report card.
p853
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.
p854
aVSheldon Cooper:   I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?
p855
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.\u000aPenny:   I'm so glad you guys are friends again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.\u000aPenny:   Aw.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.\u000a[he hands her a coupon]\u000aPenny:  [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Think of me when you apply it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.\u000aSheldon Cooper,Bernadette Rostenkowski,Howard Wolowitz,Amy Farrah Fowler:   Yeah.\u000aPenny:   Me too\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Oh, that happened right after you left.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And no-one told me?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.\u000aPenny:   Ahem!\u000a[hands Howard the coupon]\u000aPenny:   Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
p856
aVSheldon Cooper:   That's odd. There are two glasses of wine on the table.\u000aPenny:   Oh, they're both mine. I have two hands and a drinking problem.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's odd. There are take-out food containers in the trash.\u000aPenny:   That's my dinner from last night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's odd is that they're in the trash.
p857
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hey, Amy.\u000aPenny:   Hey, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You don't get a hey. You get a hmm.
p858
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello, Raj. Howard. Judas.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know what? You're a crazy person.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A crazy person with a long memory and, if all goes according to plan, my own robot army. Or a mutant army. We'll see how my genetics research goes.
p859
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Large Hadron Collision (#3.15)"(2010)[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [on cellphone] ... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".
p860
aVSheldon Cooper:   Which ski hat says "après super collider"?
p861
aVPenny:   You actually put that in an agreement!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He can't kill me even if I turn.\u000aPenny:   Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, that seemed a little far-fetched.
p862
aVSheldon Cooper:   I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!
p863
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.
p864
aVSheldon Cooper:   Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Rupert Murdoch?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.
p865
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon and Penny both have the flu] I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene, I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.\u000aPenny:   I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.\u000a[Sheldon remembers when he hugged Penny]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's *you*! I touched *you*!\u000aPenny:   Happy Valentine's day.
p866
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000aPenny:   Hello.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, let's dispense with the friendly banter. I believe you know why I'm here.\u000aPenny:   Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.
p867
aVSheldon Cooper:   Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
p868
aVSheldon:   I think you know why I'm here.\u000aPenny:   I always assumed it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.
p869
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Intimacy Acceleration (#8.16)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Well, what I meant was... I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood. It's incredibly stressful.\u000aPenny:   Really? You always seem so confident.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I'm not. And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.\u000aPenny:   Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.\u000aPenny:   Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [referring to Penny's glass of wine] Are you sure it's not too much Bible juice?\u000aPenny:   ...And the wave is gone.
p870
aVSheldon Cooper:   What?\u000aPenny:   Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.\u000aPenny:   Can you believe it's been eight years?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And you're still eating our food.
p871
aVPenny:   Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hmm. Living or dead?\u000aPenny:   Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.\u000aPenny:   You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?\u000aPenny:   Robert Downey Jr.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.
p872
aVSheldon Cooper:   What would constitute a perfect day for you?\u000aPenny:   Oh. Well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks, and probably get a massage, and then cap off the night with some dancing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's it?\u000aPenny:   Yeah, why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You didn't mention Leonard.\u000aPenny:  [pauses, looking a little guilty] He's there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't think so. Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages, or dancing.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay, what's yours?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Then a wormhole opens and whisks me millions of years into the future, where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.\u000aPenny:   Interesting. You didn't mention Amy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?
p873
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you could wake up tomorrow, having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?\u000aPenny:   Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.
p874
aVPenny:   Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ha! Keep dreaming.
p875
aVPenny:   If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.\u000aPenny:   Today's your birthday?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aPenny:   Well, that's always been a secret! Not even Amy knows.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yell, "Surprise!" fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas' Director's Cut."
p876
aVPenny:   That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're making it difficult to love you right now.
p877
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now, let's tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it's safe to say that you're not in love with me, and I'm not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.
p878
aVSheldon Cooper:   If the test is successful and you fall in love with me, will you take me to Geneva Lake, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It's the only convention in the world dedicated to Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, if this test works, not only will I take you, I will buy you all the dragon shirts you want.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, little lady, let's go!
p879
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)"(2013)Penny:   How come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, somebody call the burn ward.
p880
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me, like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I've got to find a way to stop this thing.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Buddy, I don't think you can. I mean, once it's out there, it's out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, frankly I'd prefer a sex tape.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.
p881
aVSheldon Cooper:   Stop it! I don't need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Invite them to live with us.
p882
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy. Amy. Did you hear what I said?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Can't talk. In the zone.
p883
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and...\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. No, no, no, no.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What's wrong?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've made a horrible mistake.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What are you talking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This table. It's in square centimeters. I read it as square meters. Do you know what that means?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That Americans can't handle the metric system?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   But the Chinese team found the element.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   So, you just got lucky?.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [mutters] You and me both, brother.\u000a[aloud]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that's ground breaking.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I'm not a genius. I'm a fraud.
p884
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're not?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, I've been thinking about it, and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.\u000aPenny:   Dammit, everyone's better at this than me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Congratulations, Dr. Fowler, you just made the fort.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes!\u000a[Smiles]
p885
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you.
p886
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   *Really* don't care.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I want to do something special and I was hoping you guys could be a part of it.\u000aPenny:   Aah, what horrible thing you trying to make up for?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Just putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.
p887
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny:   What're you working on?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can't talk. In the zone.\u000aPenny:  [to Amy] Do you know what he's doing?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Could be anything. Last time he was like this he figured out electron transport in graphene. Time before that he was making a list of who's allowed in his tree fort if he ever gets one. Still can't believe I didn't make the cut.\u000aPenny:   Uh, Sheldon, you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Eh, what are you doing? He's both happy and quiet. Like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.
p888
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm being given credit that I don't deserve.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, people get things they don't deserve all the time. Look at me with you.
p889
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)"(2014)Leonard Hofstadter:   Did you hear about this research on gene manipulation that's trying to create some sort of dinosaur-like chicken?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think that sounds wonderful.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and birds.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but you tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.
p890
aVSheldon Cooper:   I miss Stuart's place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store or a rave at the third little pig's house.
p891
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colorful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Then I think it's a terrific idea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great. Wait until you hear about our van.
p892
aVPenny:   I hear you're a dermatologist.\u000aEmily Sweeney:   Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.
p893
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an an appointment for you to look at them?\u000aEmily Sweeney:   Um, OK. I guess.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes and he's taking his pants off.
p894
aVHoward Wolowitz:   He has my mother buying four-ply now. Four-ply! If his tushy is so delicate, why doesn't he just wipe with an angora rabbit?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For starters, they shed and bite.
p895
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hmm, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nice! Like at schools and parks.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Toy stores, puppet shows.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hold on. So your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And are you going to use candy to lure them in?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   We are now!
p896
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, if there's anything that really gets my goat it's those daggum insurance companies.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why, because they won't get off your lawn?
p897
aVSheldon Cooper:   I guess that English study was right. One friend down. I wonder who's the next to go?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You! You are! It's you!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nah, you love me.
p898
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'd like your honest opinion on something.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Of course.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Before I start, I need you to know that I'm very excited about this, and anything you say that isn't enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So... keep an open mind.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Perfect.
p899
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (#2.11)"(2008)Penny:   Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.\u000aPenny:   Saturnalia?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
p900
aVPenny:  [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait! You bought me a present?\u000aPenny:   Uh-huh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why would you do such a thing?\u000aPenny:   I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.\u000aPenny:   Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.\u000aPenny:   Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.\u000aPenny:  [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.\u000a[Turning to Howard and Raj]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm going to need a ride to the mall.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's happening to us.
p901
aVSheldon Cooper:   Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Actually, I was...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [gasps] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
p902
aVHoward Wolowitz:   That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
p903
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't see anything in here a woman would want.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
p904
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, miss.\u000aCharlotte:   Yes?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.\u000aCharlotte:   Excuse me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?\u000aCharlotte:   I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
p905
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...\u000aPenny:   Turn it over.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"\u000aPenny:   He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?\u000aPenny:   Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!\u000aPenny:   Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
p906
aV[last lines]\u000aPenny:  [after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...\u000a[gingerly hugs Penny]\u000aPenny:   Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's a Saturnalia miracle!
p907
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What if he gets something kryptonian on it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Like what?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.
p908
aVHoward Wolowitz:   C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.\u000a[picks up basket]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.
p909
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Staircase Implementation (#3.22)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favorite Linux-based operating system!
p910
aVSheldon:   That's not an apology; that's simply an acknowledgement that I was right!\u000aLeonard:   Okay, I'm sorry.\u000aSheldon:   There you go.
p911
aVSheldon Cooper:   Yes?\u000aLeonard:   I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment and you said to come by...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?\u000aLeonard:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You said you were a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?\u000aLeonard:   Radon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you asking me or telling me?\u000aLeonard:   Telling you?\u000a[Sheldon glares at him]\u000aLeonard:   Telling you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?\u000aLeonard:   That's tricky... Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Correct. You have passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter.
p912
aVSheldon Cooper:   If either of us invent time travel, we agree that our first stop will be this meeting five seconds from now.\u000a[Looks around]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, that was disappointing.
p913
aVSheldon Cooper:   We agree to reserve Friday nights to watch Joss Whedon's brilliant new show Firefly.\u000aLeonard:   Does that really need to be in the agreement?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We might as well settle it now. It's going to be on for years.
p914
aVSheldon Cooper:   What are you sitting on?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Not a good idea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tushie is buttocks, right?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Right.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hilarious!
p915
aVLeonard:   According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But you didn't notify me by e-mail first, so it's still a breach.\u000aLeonard:   I did notify you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, you did, did you?\u000a[Checks his Palm Pilot]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.\u000aLeonard:   What am I doing in your spam folder?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled "This is funny."
p916
aVSheldon:   In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, reestablishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?\u000aLeonard:   Uh, I'm gonna go with... preserving the knowledge.\u000aSheldon:   That's correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating.
p917
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Do you have an opinion about everything?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You just assume you're always right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not an assumption.
p918
aV[to get away from Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, and Howard are getting ready to go to Howard's house]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait, let me get my jacket.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You're not going with us.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You're the guy we're trying to get away from.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. Well, in that case, I don't need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is "I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away."
p919
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Nerdvana Annihilation (#1.14)"(2008)[upset by Penny's comments, Leonard sits in the time machine]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, it's two in the morning.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So, it's my turn.
p920
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What if I knocked you unconscious right now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It won't change the past.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   But it'd make the present so much nicer.
p921
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Penny] You hypocrite! Miss "grown-ups don't play with toys!" If I went into your apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And just who is that Japanese feline frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!
p922
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine"] I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I know. But, I still can't afford it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size] I understand why no one else bid.
p923
aVSheldon Cooper:  [looking at the time machine prop in the apartment] I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Talk about your chick magnets.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   He's got a point.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Seconded.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [sheepishly] I was gonna put down a towel.
p924
aVRaj Koothrappali:   I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, that sounds fair.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hold on. "Bimonthly" is an ambiguous term. Do you mean every other month or twice a month?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Twice a month.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then no.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Okay, every other month.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.
p925
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   'Cause I don't want it anymore.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just personal reasons.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I paid $200 for my share.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
p926
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection] Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who cares, as long as you pick me?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [blocking the stairwell] No. I can't let you do this.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, get out of my way.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box] None shall pass.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production error "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [nervously] Okay, man, be cool. We're all friends here.
p927
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss cheese on whole wheat.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What did they give you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Turkey and roast beef with Swiss cheese and lettuce on whole wheat.\u000a[Raj and Wolowitz just look at Sheldon, dumbfounded]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [at his computer, not paying attention] I don't believe it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. It's basic culinary science.
p928
aVRaj Koothrappali:  [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How are we gonna get it upstairs?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.\u000a[Howard walks over to the elevator]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.\u000a[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.
p929
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.\u000aPenny:   How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.
p930
aVSheldon Cooper:   Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville. Wonder-Blunder-Burg. And Kansas City, because it's a hub.
p931
aVSheldon Cooper:   To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.
p932
aV[last lines]\u000aPenny:   You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Little early for alcohol, isn't it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [On the radio] You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.\u000a[Yodeling]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'll get the vodka.
p933
aVSheldon Cooper:   But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.\u000aPenny:   You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.
p934
aVSheldon Cooper:   What's that animal doing in our apartment?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Get over that. She's in her crate; she can't get out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.
p935
aVIra Flatow:   This could put you on the track to a Nobel Prize, and in chemistry, no less. Very unusual, seeing as you're a physicist.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, it's very unusual. Let's all laugh at the circus freak!
p936
aVSheldon Cooper:   President Siebert, I don't get why you're so upset. You're the one who forced me to go on the radio. I was expecting a scientific discussion, not an attack by some Morning Zoo shock jock. Well, if you wanted to raise money for the university, you should consider a swear jar. Wow, that's a dollar right there!
p937
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I was only trying to make you happy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   By taking away my crowning achievement? If you wanted me to be happy, you could have told me a joke, or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter being unlikely friends.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There is no pleasing you! And koalas and otters don't even live near each other!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's what makes their friendship so unlikely!
p938
aVBarry Kripke:   Perhaps physics isn't your thing. Maybe you should go into wetail so you can take things back for a living.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's enough, Barry.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's all right, Leonard. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, "Bawwy"?\u000aBarry Kripke:   Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? Wow, that weally hurt. I can't contwol it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry. I take it back.\u000aBarry Kripke:   Yeah, you do, 'cause you're the Wetwactor!
p939
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangerine Factor (#1.17)"(2008)Penny:  [scares the hell out of Sheldon after touching him in the back] Do you have a second?\u000aSheldon:   A second what? Pair of underwear?
p940
aVHoward Wolowitz:   I'm so glad you're learning Mandarin.\u000aSheldon:   Why?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Because then you'll have a billion people to annoy instead of me.
p941
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why are you learning Mandarin?\u000aSheldon:   I suspect that the people at the Szechuan Palace are passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If I were you, I'd be more worried about what they're passing off as chicken.
p942
aVSheldon:   I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.\u000aSheldon:   I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
p943
aVSheldon:   But why talk to me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?\u000aPenny:   Well, Koothrappali can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is... just disgusting.\u000aSheldon:   Yes, I guess he is.
p944
aVPenny:   It's just that Leonard is not the type of guy I usually go out with.\u000aSheldon:   Leonard's not the type of guy most people go out with.
p945
aVSheldon:   What do I have to say to bring this discussion to a speedy conclusion?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Tell me whether or not I should go out with Penny.\u000aSheldon:   Schrodinger's cat.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Wow, that is brilliant!\u000aSheldon:   You sound so surprised.
p946
aVPenny:  [meeting Sheldon in the hallway] I'm sorry... look, do you have a second?\u000aSheldon:   A second what? Pair of underwear?
p947
aVPenny:   Wanna sit down?\u000aSheldon:   Oh, I wish it were that simple... You see, I don't spend much time here, so I've never chosen a place to sit.\u000aPenny:   Well, choose.\u000aSheldon:   There are a number of options... I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, airflow patterns and dispersion of sunlight, to make in informed choice.
p948
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't think I can go out with her tonight.\u000aSheldon:   Then, don't.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Other people would say "Why not?"\u000aSheldon:   Other people might be interested.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm gonna talk anyway.\u000aSheldon:   I assumed you would.
p949
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)"(2013)Penny:   Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?\u000aPenny:   As a rule, no.
p950
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [pause as he considers this] I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.
p951
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.\u000aPenny:   Absolutely not.\u000a[quietly to Leonard]\u000aPenny:   Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm deleting it.\u000aPenny:   Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.
p952
aVSheldon Cooper:   They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know, they have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
p953
aVSheldon Cooper:   I do not have a compulsive need for closure.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, really?\u000a[Knocks "Shave and a Haircut" on table]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [after an awkward pause, knocks "Two Bits"] That proves nothing.
p954
aVSheldon Cooper:   You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Gives Sheldon a death stare] Yeah, sounds like a drag.
p955
aVSheldon Cooper:   Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw; none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win.\u000a[Amy erases the game before Sheldon can finish]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But we didn't finish.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Exactly. How does that make you feel?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two, and then again and again 'till I have a handful of Sheldon face confetti.
p956
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Has a birthday cake prepared for Sheldon] Make a wish and blow out the candles.\u000a[Sheldon blows out the candles, but Amy blocks one with a paper plate]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oops, you missed one. Now your wish won't come true.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Lucky for you, cause I wished you were dead.
p957
aVPenny:   Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy] And I love you, too!
p958
aVSheldon Cooper:   I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm surprised of how positive you are.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It hardly matters now, does it?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm proud of you, Sheldon.\u000a[Leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [after closing the door] And a complete sucker!
p959
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Fortification Implementation (#8.20)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, uh... something happened different from the way you wanted it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I guess news travels fast.
p960
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Agreed.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I was going to say "or," but why bother?
p961
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.
p962
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.
p963
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'll get the blankets, you Google how to have child-like fun.
p964
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Roughing it? Okay.\u000a[Sits on floor. Gasps]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.
p965
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, you kids have fun. I'm going to go to sleep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, I'm good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   All right. Sheldon, may I please come into your fort?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I want to say no, but it's just too glorious. Come on in!
p966
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Have a seat on the floor.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not there. That's my spot.
p967
aVSheldon Cooper:   I used to believe in evolution, but since I've evolved, I find I have outgrown it.
p968
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do you need some pajamas and a toothbrush?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Would it alarm you to know that two years ago I've hidden some in your apartment for just such an ocassion?\u000a[Produces bag containing pajamas]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. But how did you know we'd be in the living room?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Who said this is the only one I hid?
p969
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem (#2.6)"(2008)Sheldon Cooper:  [to female grad student] Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [to same grad student] Woof.
p970
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon lives in fear of the three tine fork.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.
p971
aVSheldon Cooper:  [addressing a class of graduate students] I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.
p972
aV[Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What a nice girl.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.
p973
aV[Penny walks in on Sheldon having his nails done by Ramona]\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   Dr. Cooper is working.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh, tickles!
p974
aVRamona Nowitzki:   You're not going to Halo night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He did.\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   And who was that great man?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Me. Sorry, Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Seriously? You're not coming?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You heard her. How can I argue with me?
p975
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [addressing a class of graduate students] So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.\u000a[students applaud]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Dr. Cooper...\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [In closet] Forget it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Excuse me.\u000a[opening door to closet]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Coming out] Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.
p976
aVLeslie Winkle:   So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.\u000aSheldon:   Oh, good one.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.
p977
aVRamona Nowitzki:   Oh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   Oh, funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
p978
aVSheldon Cooper:   How can I ever repay you?\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   Would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki theorem?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who's Nowitzki?\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   I'm Nowitzki.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. You want me to share credit?\u000aRamona Nowitzki:   Uh-huh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   GET OUT!
p979
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Comic Book Store Regeneration (#8.15)"(2015)[Opening lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I invented a new science joke. Would you like to hear it?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Of course\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How many?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   None, because he stole the idea for the lightbulb and doesn't deserve his own joke.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Is that true?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. That's how you know it's a good joke. It entertains and educates.
p980
aVSheldon Cooper:   Why didn't you help me out when I was stuck in string theory?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I did. You said the only math biologists know is when they have three frogs and one hops away and you have two frogs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is funny, it does sound like me.
p981
aVPenny:   Is something wrong?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm mad at Amy.\u000aPenny:   Did she leave pit stains in your favorite top too?
p982
aVPenny:   Try thinking about something else.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can I think about the spiny anteater?\u000aPenny:   Sure.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The spiny anteater... did not go behind my back and help Barry Kripke. That did not help at all.
p983
aVPenny:   Some visualization might help.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How does that work?\u000aPenny:   Close your eyes. Now pretend you're holding a pen.\u000a[Sheldon holds up his hand as if he were holding a pen]\u000aPenny:   Open your eyes. Now, let it go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I just got this pen! I had my initials engraved in it and everything. See?\u000a[Holds up empty hand]
p984
aVSheldon Cooper:   That's all you have, tired expressions like "don't sweat it" and "let it go"? Gee, Penny, I have a bunch of lemons, what shall I do with them?\u000aPenny:   You could shove them up somewhere.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   See? Now you're being creative.
p985
aVPenny:   You were testing me against a chimpanzee?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy was. I was rooting for you. I thought you did great with that banana box.
p986
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after Howard learns his mother died] May I say something?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not now, Sheldon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No, it's okay. Go ahead.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When my father died, I had no friends to help me through it. You do.\u000aPenny:  [Crying] I really thought he was going to say "let it go."
p987
aVPenny:   How's Howard holding up?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   He's hanging in there.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How are you doing, Stuart?\u000aStuart Bloom:   Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   One of us would have taken you in.\u000aStuart Bloom:   Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.\u000aPenny:   Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   She did that to me, too.\u000aPenny:   Don't take this away from me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If you want, I can yell at you later.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It won't be as good.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you.
p988
aVSheldon:   When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.
p989
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:  [knock knock knock] Amy?\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy?\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is not! Is not, is not.
p990
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Some people might say that it's great that we'rre trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like "Love is stronger than the miles between you."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
p991
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't you like Amy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Of course I like Amy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, there's the difference.
p992
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Leonard as he videochats with Priya] I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
p993
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm not going to check you for lice again.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Just his head, right?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't want to talk about it.
p994
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Name one time I've ever done that.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd growing again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.
p995
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Leonard as he tries cybersex with Priya] Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
p996
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You mean like Salt Lake City?
p997
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Some people might say it's good that Priya and I are trying to make things work long distance. They would say things like "Your love is stronger than the miles between you".\u000aSheldon:   When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
p998
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?\u000aPenny:   Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
p999
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, let's go!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.\u000aPenny:   Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't.\u000aPenny:   Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I would think he would know that.\u000aPenny:   Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.
p1000
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon has walked into a quarantined room] Oh, what fresh hell is this?\u000a[tries to leave]\u000aNurse in Biohazard Suit:   Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [puts his shirt over his nose] No, I haven't. It's all good.
p1001
aV[last lines]\u000a[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [plays card] Mountain Elf.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   He takes the elf from off the shelf.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [plays card] Hellhounds.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hellhounds!\u000a[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [plays card] Colossal Serpent.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [exasperated] Must you?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.\u000a[plays card]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Rotting Zombie.\u000a[brief pause]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Sheldon's new Facebook photo.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
p1002
aVSheldon Cooper:   I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You all right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.
p1003
aV[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   You guys ready to order?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   I don't understand.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   He drank from Leonard's glass.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
p1004
aV[Sheldon takes a drink of water]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Sheldon, that's my water.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh dear Lord!\u000a[he runs into the bathroom]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's not your water.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I know.\u000a[Leonard smiles]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?
p1005
aV[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [plays card] Fire demon.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [plays card] Troll master.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [plays card] Water nymph.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Sorry.\u000a[plays card]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Walking tree.\u000a[looks at Sheldon imploringly]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Last one\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
p1006
aVHoward Wolowitz:   It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.\u000aPenny:   What's the difference?\u000aSheldon:   A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
p1007
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)"(2013)[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look, I know you guys don't want to do this but we have no choice, so you can either bitch and whine, or we can just get it over with.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I got whine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I got the 'b' word.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, well, it's in our contract to serve on a university committee, and frankly this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. 'Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.'\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   C'mon, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.
p1008
aVSheldon Cooper:   I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds worked side by side as equals.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an inter-stellar warp drive but a black lady still answered the space phone?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.
p1009
aVSheldon Cooper:   I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be prejudged: Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling... uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.
p1010
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, I think this whole thing is a waste of time.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You mean helping women get interested in science?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, helping anyone. People should be able to take care of themselves.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You mean like when I drove you to the pharmacy, the dry cleaners and the post office?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not against people using tools. Even an otter picks up a rock once in a while to open a clam.
p1011
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   We're supposed to be encouraging women to study science. Can you at least play a less sexist game?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't see anything sexist. She can handle a battleaxe as well as any man.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And she has mammary glands that can breast feed a family of thirty and have enough milk left over to open a Baskin-Robbins.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mother, warrior princess, small business owner, I see glass ceilings shattering all over the place.
p1012
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, hold on. While I'm comfortable speaking about science, I'm not sure I know how to spark the interest of school children. Better Google it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What exactly are you looking up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Types] How do I get twelve-year-old girls excited?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz:   Nooo!
p1013
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Nice of your school to let us talk to girls about science.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah. They're very excited to hear from their most famous student, except for the serial killer that ate all those prostitutes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Must be exciting to come back to your alma mater as an astronaut.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I know. I left here a skinny nerd...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And now you're also an astronaut.
p1014
aV[last lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Lying on the couch, dressed as Snow White] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one kiss to wake up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sitting at his desk] I heard you the first time.
p1015
aV[last lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Amy is lying on the couch in a Snow White costume] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Heard you the first time.
p1016
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)"(2012)Amy Farrah Fowler:   Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Just tell her I can't come.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   She'll be disappointed if we don't show up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.
p1017
aVSheldon Cooper:   I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.
p1018
aVSheldon Cooper:   Who wants to spend the whole weekend running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters? That's for babies.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!
p1019
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Bernadette, remember your character's the healer in our group. You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   I can't help it. My Howie-Wowie has an owie!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced, and I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.
p1020
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Now hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written request seventy-two hours in advance. Checked the tire pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centers for Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, the Relationship Agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You use it to get your way.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.
p1021
aVSheldon Cooper:   When's the last time I asked you to do something for me?\u000aPenny:   Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?\u000aPenny:   Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
p1022
aVSheldon Cooper:   All right then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.\u000aPenny:   What's that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm gonna run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.
p1023
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.
p1024
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Woo-hoo!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Movies or video-games? Or board games? Or trading card games? Or Legos? Or dress-up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We are going to play the on-line game.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The on-line game. Bully!
p1025
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization (#1.9)"(2008)Leonard Hofstadter:   You can not blow up my head with your mind.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
p1026
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
p1027
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What is this letter doing in the trash?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.
p1028
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   We have to do this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.
p1029
aVPenny:   So you and Leonard, huh? A little misunderstanding?\u000aSheldon:   A little misunderstanding? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the pope had a little misunderstanding...
p1030
aVPenny:  [At their mailboxes] . Get anything good?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.\u000aPenny:   Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.\u000a[Sheldon looks confused]\u000aPenny:   It was a joke.
p1031
aV[after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You won't believe it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, who would do that?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That would be me.
p1032
aVSheldon Cooper:   Was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You are not Isaac Newton.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You cannot possibly be that arrogant.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
p1033
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You know what? I am tired of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate when I was twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only person who is smarter than everybody else in this room!\u000a[Sheldon nods pointedly at the audience]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So you admit you're an egotist?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes!\u000a[turning to the audience]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all of my self-esteem from strangers like you. But *he's worse*!
p1034
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)"(2011)[last line of the episode, after Sheldon scares Leonard, who just found out that Priya cheated on him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!
p1035
aVSheldon Cooper:  [reading red paint on the wall] "See you in hell Sheldon..." The most frightful thing about that is the missing comma!
p1036
aV[Sheldon is working on an electric device he plans to trick Howard with]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello, Howard. I've realized that you scaring me was all in just. Now, allow me to say... "Good job."\u000a[he shakes hands with himself. He thereby touches the electric device and gets an electric shock, falling down towards the floor]
p1037
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:  [off screen] Who is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? That's unsettling.
p1038
aVSheldon Cooper:   You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!\u000a[holds out his hand]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, whatever.\u000a[they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Howard has a heart condition! You know that!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We are?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot!\u000a[gives the needle to Sheldon]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh no! I can't!\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Hurry! We're running out of time!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay...\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Just do it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh God! One... two... three...\u000a[sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U...\u000a[touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]
p1039
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...\u000a[Leonard comes up behind him in a mask]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   He's probably right.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We can't beat him. He's just too smart.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [satisfied] Gentlemen.\u000a[turns around, sees Leonard in his mask, screams and faints down on the floor]
p1040
aVSheldon Cooper:   Some ghostly moans, rattling of chains and a witch's cackle, the trifecta of haunted house cliches. Instead of "eek", I say "yawn".
p1041
aVSheldon Cooper:   You guys forget, I'm from Texas, where we know how to settle a score. Don't ask me, ask Mexico.
p1042
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after trying to scare Raj] I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper, you're better than this.
p1043
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)"(2013)[last lines]\u000aPenny:  [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?\u000aTom:   Yes.\u000aPenny:   I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.\u000aTom:   To be lonely?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   She's pretty good, huh?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?\u000aPenny:   ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's remarkable.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   She really is.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Our Penny's a star.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
p1044
aVSheldon Cooper:   A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn't the compliment it sounds like.
p1045
aVSheldon Cooper:   If our friend the flag's taught me anything, it's to go where the wind takes you... as long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole.
p1046
aVSheldon Cooper:   How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [as monkeys screech loudly off-screen] Fine. Just hold on.\u000a[yells at monkeys]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Mommy's on the phone!\u000a[Back to Sheldon]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms; those guys were mellow.
p1047
aVSheldon Cooper:   I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.
p1048
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents 'Fun with Flags'. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week in honor of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by the Man.
p1049
aVPenny:   Maybe this time you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open you're inviting them in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Right. And which one do I want?
p1050
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?\u000aPenny:   Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Gosh, Penny. What'd you have for breakfast, a big glass of good-question juice?
p1051
aVPenny:  [Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches] Oh, hey, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Uneasy] Oh, hi.\u000aPenny:   Do you want me to close so you can do your door thingie?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I wasn't going to do it.\u000aPenny:   So, what's up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I just wanted to thank you for helping me with Fun With Flags...\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... Penny. And I found your acting advice helpful...\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... Penny. So I guess the answer to the question "who did a good job" is you...\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... Penny.
p1052
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Perspiration Implementation (#9.5)"(2015)Leonard Hofstadter:   Hey, ready for lunch?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, one sec.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I'm exercising.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That'll teach her to care about your health.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young.
p1053
aVSheldon Cooper:   According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Are you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.
p1054
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Had me at flag, lost me at football.
p1055
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Barry Kripke started a fencing club.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's indoors, so no sunscreen.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No throwing, no catching, no running.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No gym shorts that can be yanked down.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or worse, up.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Preach.
p1056
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, Barry?\u000aBarry Kripke:   Yes?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When can I stab one of my friends?\u000aBarry Kripke:   In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.
p1057
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn't a good idea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Barry, a word?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And now the crazy version of what I just said.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.\u000aBarry Kripke:   And how are you gonna do that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   By challenging you to a duel.\u000aBarry Kripke:   You've had one lesson. I'll destroy you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you're worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I'm going to touch you all over.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Wow, that was crazier than I thought.
p1058
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Look at this blister. Like it or not, we're athletes now.
p1059
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. I'm recovering from a recent breakup, and I'm told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, "I choose you."\u000aNatalie:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a Pokemon reference.\u000aNatalie:   I don't know what that means.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, we gave it a shot.
p1060
aVSheldon Cooper:   I smell funny. I taste salty.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're just sweaty from exercise.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the center of me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I know it only takes one doctor's finger.
p1061
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bear Precipitation (#9.20)"(2016)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Over footage of a forest] It's nice to get back to nature. Why don't I do this more often?\u000a[Cut to Sheldon in his apartment wearing a virtual reality headset; Leonard and Penny enter]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What a beautiful forest. Oh, hello, little butterfly. What's your na-?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [as he reaches out to touch the butterfly, Leonard puts his face to Sheldon's hand, startling him] Ow!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Whatcha doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was enjoying some virtual reality, 'til you ruined it with your actual face.
p1062
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You know, if that study's real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you trying to manipulate me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well done, it worked. We're going.
p1063
aVSheldon Cooper:   Cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention, or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now's the time.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Have you ever been off the grid before?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Once. The battery ran out on my phone; I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I was afraid he was going to eat me.
p1064
aVSheldon Cooper:   Shall we check each other for ticks?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?\u000a[Drops his pants]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   On the other hand, safety first.
p1065
aVPenny:   Hey, you guys wanna play a drinking game?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, now, w-now, we'll never win. You always play the drinking game.\u000aPenny:   Not *the* drinking game, *a* drinking game.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   To be fair, you're good at both.
p1066
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:  [to Sheldon] I can't believe you've been arrested!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't believe Penny hasn't!
p1067
aVSheldon Cooper:  [about Penny and Leonard going to a cabin] You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak. Oh, and last but not least, teenagers with guitars.
p1068
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Unph. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.\u000a[Amy drinks, Sheldon gasps]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, we all have a past.
p1069
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   There goes our hike.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aw, not the hike? Now we'll have to stay here safe and warm.
p1070
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)"(2010)Leonard Hofstadter:   You'll never guess what just happened.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Awww...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny kissed me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, who would ever guess that?
p1071
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
p1072
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why do I bother talking to you people?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.
p1073
aVSheldon Cooper:  [answering the phone] Hello.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
p1074
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.
p1075
aVPenny:   I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, my God! What personal habits?\u000aPenny:   I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.
p1076
aVPenny:   Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.\u000aPenny:  [to Leonard] No, you're right.\u000a[to Sheldon]\u000aPenny:   No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.
p1077
aVSheldon Cooper:   Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air] Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?
p1078
aV[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
p1079
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Apology Insufficiency (#4.7)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas.
p1080
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What does that have to with me and women?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.
p1081
aVSheldon:   You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, bur your insistence on talking about you own lives stymies me at every turn.\u000aLeonard:   Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodent.\u000aSheldon:   No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.
p1082
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you doing up?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sleep eludes me, Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.
p1083
aVHoward Wolowitz:   You're giving me a couch cushion?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But you love that spot.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
p1084
aV[last lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I changed my mind; get out of my spot!\u000aPenny:   How long?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ninety-four seconds.
p1085
aV[there's a knock at the apartment door]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Want to get that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not particularly.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Could you get that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I suppose I *could* if I were asked.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Would you please get that!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?
p1086
aVPenny:   I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.
p1087
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?\u000aPenny:   I drink...
p1088
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Loobenfeld Decay (#1.10)"(2008)[first lines]\u000aLeonard:   No, see, the liquid metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay. Then riddle me this: assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year old killer robot?\u000aLeonard:   Skynet is kinky? I dunno.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
p1089
aV[as Penny sings]\u000aLeonard:   What the hell is that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know, but if cats could sing... they'd hate it too.
p1090
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Leonard lied to Penny] So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.\u000aLeonard:   Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
p1091
aVPenny:   Do you have any idea what time it is?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
p1092
aVLeonard:   I already told her a lie. Why replace it with a different lie?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
p1093
aVToby:   How about this as my motivation? When I was fourteen years old, I was abused in the Philippines by a clubfooted Navy chaplain.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. We're going with middle child and a genetic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.\u000aToby:   Well, how do I play genetic predisposition?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Subtextually, of course!
p1094
aVSheldon Cooper:  [discussing why Leonard lied to Penny to get out of hearing her sing] Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.\u000aLeonard:   And, what would I have said afterwards?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I would suggest something to the effect of: "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation, nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain!"
p1095
aVSheldon Cooper:   Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?\u000aPenny:   I remember symposium.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, well, he lied.\u000aPenny:   Wait, what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.\u000aPenny:   Well, imagine how I'm feeling.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.
p1096
aV[last lines]\u000aToby:  [on couch with Penny] This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high, or, or wondering if you're a dude down there.\u000aPenny:   Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're going to do OK.\u000aToby:   One day at a time, Penny.\u000a[puts his head on her shoulder]\u000aToby:   One day at a time.\u000aLeonard:  [in kitchen, to Sheldon] How long is he going to stay here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard; where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
p1097
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)"(2011)[Sheldon is having a get-together with a new group of friends]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're having people over?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic book store, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack, and TV's Levar Burton.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really? Levar Burton's coming over?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Possible. I tweeted him.
p1098
aV[Sheldon has come over to Raj's after his get-together didn't go the way he wanted it to]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [knocking on front door] All my friends?\u000a[knocking]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All my friends?\u000a[knocking]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All my friends?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.
p1099
aV[Priya has made some homemade chili, albeit with beans, which is counter to the Texan definition of chili - Sheldon is Texan - and the fact is fodder for know-it-all Sheldon]\u000aPriya:   Would you like some homemade chili?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are there beans in it?\u000aPriya:   Yes?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.\u000aPriya:  [Sheldon tries some of Priya's chili]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mmmm, this is good... whatever it is.
p1100
aVSheldon Cooper:   I just realized, we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So don't watch TV. Read a book.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And be a social pariah? You know that's not my style.
p1101
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Hey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sounds great.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.
p1102
aVPriya:   There's no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just sit here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Right on, man, right on.
p1103
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
p1104
aVSheldon Cooper:   Jacuzzi is a commercial brand, hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.\u000aZack:   Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Surprisingly, yes.\u000aZack:   Nice. Now, what exactly are toes?
p1105
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.
p1106
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   What if there is a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not here to see it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Do you really think there is going to be a breakthrough without you there to do it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. I was just tricking you.
p1107
aVPenny:   Why can't Leonard understand it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because she is not like us, Penny. We're dreamers.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, I'm gonna have to start crakcing a window when I leave you in the car.
p1108
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   How did she get you to do yoga?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
p1109
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, well, maybe we do.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm willing if you guys are.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Can we please have some privacy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny?\u000aPenny:   Okay, wait. What are we doing?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.
p1110
aVPenny:   Look, I know you think I am being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I swear, I am on your side.\u000aPenny:   You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He does that to me too. Why do we put up with this?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Listen. I could never do what you are doing, okay? I would be terrified.\u000aPenny:   Well, it's scary for me too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm fine with it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.\u000aPenny:   Okay. Thank you.
p1111
aVSheldon Cooper:   It'll be okay.\u000a[Pats Leonard on the back]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000a[Rips paper off Leonard's back]
p1112
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did you get my lemonade?\u000aPenny:   Oh, sorry. I forgot.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress; to forget my order one last time.
p1113
aVMan V.O.:   Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful place.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. I'm at the Hadron Supercollider.\u000aMan V.O.:   Now breathe in...\u000a[Sheldon inhales]\u000aMan V.O.:   ... and out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wow. Didn't see that coming.\u000aMan V.O.:   Once again. In...\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Inhales] Let me guess.\u000aMan V.O.:   ...and out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What was I going to do, two ins in a row?
p1114
aVSheldon Cooper:   They say some great yogis have such great control over their bodies that they can take in water up through their genitals.\u000aPenny:   I don't think we'll be getting to do that today.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Too bad. It sounds like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
p1115
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   I'm on my way out.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Where?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Texas.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Right now? Why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Someone sick?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.\u000aPenny:   Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How come you never said she was pregnant?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?
p1116
aVSheldon Cooper:   The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yeah, kinda.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best.
p1117
aVSheldon Cooper:   She chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the stone age and a cave wasn't available.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip n' Slide.
p1118
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.\u000aPenny:   We do?\u000aPenny:  [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000aPenny:  [seductively] Doing laundry?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.\u000aPenny:   Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.\u000aPenny:  [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Disagree.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   keep going.\u000aPenny:  [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.\u000aPenny:   Please, Sheldon, I need you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To... what?\u000aPenny:   To take me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.\u000aPenny:   Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.\u000aPenny:   I think I know how to change your mind.
p1119
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Did you hold the baby?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I did.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And... how did it make you feel?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.
p1120
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I missed you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To quote Han Solo - I know.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Did you miss me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I would have preferred to have you there with me.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Awww.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or instead of me.
p1121
aVMary Cooper:   Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.
p1122
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Can I give you a ride to the airport?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, thank you; I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop chop, Leonard; we leave in ten minutes.
p1123
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hi, Sheldon. Everything OK?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Listen to me. That is *not* the way they usually look.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It doesn't matter. It is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. Some kind of dirty magic show.
p1124
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:  [Knock... knock... knock] Amy?\u000a[Knock... knock... knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy?\u000a[Knock... knock... knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've... never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, w- Thank you. But you could tell everyone else that, because they sure think otherwise.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" That's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
p1125
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And now what?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Do you have any interest now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've not ruled it out.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Wow, talk dirty to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Amy laughs slightly] Come on. Let's go back out there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   O.K.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor.\u000a[Rolls dice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It comes off.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you do?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I... kiss you on the lips?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I kiss you back on the...\u000a[Rolls dice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... lips as well. Your turn.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I remove your armor. What do you do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I erotically caress your...\u000a[Rolls dice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... nose.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Keep rolling!
p1126
aV[Leonard and Howard have invited Penny, Amy, and Bernadette to join them in "Dungeons & Dragons"]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've just never played "Dungeons & Dragons" with girls before.\u000aPenny:   Oh, don't worry, sweetie, no-one has.
p1127
aVAmy Farrah Fowler,Bernadette Rostenkowski,Penny:  [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!\u000aSheldon Cooper,Leonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz,Raj Koothrappali:  [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!
p1128
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And now what?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Do you have any interest now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have not ruled it out.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Wow. Talk dirty to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I guess I know that. It's just... a part of me wants more.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Y- More? Why, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Come on. Let's go back out there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yu- w- no, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Okay.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe that, uh, we just killed the dragon... and while the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area, where I attempt to remove your leather armor.\u000a[rolls die]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It comes off.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you do?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I... kiss you, on the lips?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I kiss you back on the...\u000a[rolls die]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   lips as well. Your turn.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I remove your armor. What do you do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I erotically caress your...\u000a[rolls die]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   nose.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Keep rolling.
p1129
aVHoward Wolowitz:   The girls are away, so the boys will play!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Anything could happen!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's gonna get crazy in here!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Hoisting box over his head] Dungeons and Dragons!
p1130
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   See? I told you Howard was as good a Dungeon Master as me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes!
p1131
aVPenny:   Who wants drinks?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, we don't drink alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgement.\u000aPenny:   This isn't alcohol, it's a magic potion that makes me like you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Double potion, please.
p1132
aVPenny:   I get to roll next.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Usually the Dungeon Master gets to roll.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, well I should be in Vegas eating at the shrimp buffet, so give it.
p1133
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)"(2011)Sheldon:   At this moment our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I am characterizing this phenomenon as 'Schroedinger's friendship'.
p1134
aVStuart:  [negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword] 225. That's my final offer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Leonard] Take it, take it, take it!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   200.\u000aStuart:   Man, you're killing me!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Killing you? I can't breathe!
p1135
aVWil Wheaton:   Hey, Sheldon. Nice sword.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's from my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?\u000aWil Wheaton:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not surprised.
p1136
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mohammed Lee.\u000a[everyone's looking confused]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Who's Mohammed Lee?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
p1137
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?\u000aPenny:   Well. Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Mortal enemy?\u000aPenny:   Mhm.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, I knew you were a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?\u000aPenny:   Oh, say no, say no, say no.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You just got off the list, would you like back on it?
p1138
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control of the Verbatim corporation in 1989, congratulations - you just made the list.
p1139
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day a historian is going to come to you and say: Is it true that you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble: I was... but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from "Stand By Me" that no one remembers.
p1140
aVSheldon Cooper:   If we were starting a sword collection, I would start with Excalibur. You could rule England with it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It would be a plastic replica of a movie prop.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You could rule a replica of England with it.
p1141
aVWil Wheaton:   This is for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   An original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure.\u000aWil Wheaton:   I remembered your story about how you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed and I didn't show up. Look at what I wrote.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [reads] "To Sheldon. Sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton."\u000aWil Wheaton:   It's my last one and I want you to have it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [holds up action figure] Look, everyone! Wil Wheaton is my friend!\u000a[He gives Wil a hug; Brent Spiner enters and grabs the figure]\u000aBrent Spiner:   Oh, wow. I haven't seen one of these in years.\u000a[Rips open the box]\u000aBrent Spiner:   Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend Wil Wheaton!\u000aBrent Spiner:   I'm sorry, slim. I have some Mr. Data dolls in the truck of my car. Do you want me to sign one for you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You already signed something Brent Spiner... your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy!\u000aWil Wheaton:   Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.
p1142
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hamburger Postulate (#1.5)"(2007)Sheldon Cooper:  [furious that Leslie wrote on his board] I don't come in to your house and touch your board!\u000aLeslie Winkle:   There are no incorrect equations on my board.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that is so... so...\u000aLeslie Winkle:   I'm sorry, I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective, text me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [after Leslie leaves and a brief pause] Inconsiderate. THAT is the adjective! Inconsiderate.
p1143
aV[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, what did she mean by that? Or was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you even listening to me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course I'm listening. "Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.
p1144
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
p1145
aVPenny:   So, how's everything?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Terrific. You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.\u000aPenny:   Really? Oh, yay!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?\u000aPenny:   Um, I don't know. A psychiatrist?
p1146
aVSheldon:  [learning Leonard has a girl over] This is very awkward.\u000aPenny:   Oh, come on. You know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?\u000aSheldon:   Oh, yes. But there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice. You know, last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.\u000aPenny:   Wait, wait. You had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?\u000aSheldon:   I didn't *have* to, the dates just happened to coincide.
p1147
aVPenny:   Hey, Sheldon. What's going on?\u000aSheldon:   I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.\u000aPenny:   I'm sorry?\u000aSheldon:   Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.\u000aPenny:   Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.
p1148
aVSheldon Cooper:   I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.\u000aPenny:   Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.\u000aPenny:   The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?\u000aPenny:   Because you are not at Big Boy!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
p1149
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?\u000aPenny:   Hey, you guys ready to order?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And orcs!\u000aPenny:   I'll be back.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.\u000aPenny:   Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
p1150
aVPenny:   So, you know who's in there?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, there's Leonard...\u000a[picks up guitar case]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   and he's either with Leslie Winkle or a 1930s ganster
p1151
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)"(2010)[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yes. Actual women are the best.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Nah. It would just freak him out.
p1152
aVRajesh Koothrappali:   Namasté, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Got it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Seen it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Detailed analysis posted online.
p1153
aVRajesh Koothrappali:   Come on, Sheldon. The world is filled with people doing things outside; let's go outside. Outside is good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   I don't know. It's a marketing scheme.
p1154
aVSheldon Cooper:   Thanks for giving me your limited-edition Green Lantern lantern.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Did you really have to bring it in with you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Come on, let's get a drink.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't drink.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Yeah, well, I do, and when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot.
p1155
aVRajesh Koothrappali:   My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, my.\u000a[Puts on hands]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've admired these for years.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Does that mean we can go with the girls again?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Imitates Hulk] Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You can't wear the hands on the date.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hulk sad.
p1156
aVAbby:   Hi, Raj. Where are you from?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   The mysterious sub-continent of India.\u000aAbby:   Ooh... India?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You know India?\u000aAbby:   I saw Slumdog Millionaire.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I thought your father was a gynecologist.
p1157
aVSheldon Cooper:   Good night, puny human!
p1158
aV[last lines]\u000aMartha:   Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why, I suppose. Come in.\u000a[Martha enters his bedroom]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll sleep in Leonard's room; good night.
p1159
aVSheldon Cooper:   What is my function as wingman?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You help me run my game.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay. What is your "game"?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
p1160
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cushion Saturation (#2.16)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:  [Holding the latest issue of The Flash] Hello, Fastest Man Alive. Wanna see me read your entire comic book?\u000a[Flips quickly through comic]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wanna see it again?
p1161
aV[before the paintball match]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's just one thing before we start.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is it, Sheldon?\u000a[Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun]\u000aPenny:   What the hell?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That was for my cushion!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.\u000aPenny:   Screw that!\u000a[Penny shoots Sheldon]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She can't shoot me, she's dead!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Penny] He's right, you can't.\u000a[shoots Sheldon himself]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...\u000a[shoots Leonard]
p1162
aVLeslie Winkle:   Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's great, Leslie, thanks.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   What was all that about?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sarcastically] Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you done?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now I'm done.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What about it, Howard?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't care about that.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You and Leslie?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   In the paintball shed! Twice!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh yeah, sorry about that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!\u000a[pause]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I mean for free.
p1163
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello, Penny.\u000aPenny:   Hello, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're in my spot.\u000aPenny:   Are you planning on sitting here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I'm going to the comic book store.\u000aPenny:   Then, what difference does it make?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What difference does it make?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Here we go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.\u000aPenny:  [blank stare] What?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't sit in his spot.\u000aPenny:   Fine.\u000a[changes spots]\u000aPenny:   Happy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not unhappy.\u000a[Sheldon exits]\u000aPenny:   Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.
p1164
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?\u000aPenny:   Here we go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Penny] Wackadoodle.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.\u000a[to Raj]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Get up.\u000a[places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   There, problem solved.\u000a[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If it were your head, it would be.
p1165
aVPenny:   There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.\u000aPenny:   Sit on the damn couch.\u000a[sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nope.\u000aPenny:   What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!\u000aPenny:   It's exactly the same...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   More?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, from Szechwan Palace.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Golden Dragon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But - oh this changes everything.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's real? What isn't? How can I know?\u000aPenny:   You did make that up right?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, I wish I had.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, buddy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I still don't like this cushion.
p1166
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, no, friends forgive the little things.\u000aPenny:   You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't you dare, missy!
p1167
aVSheldon:   Hello, Penny.\u000aPenny:   Hello, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon:   You're in my spot.\u000aPenny:   Are you planning on sitting here?\u000aSheldon:   No, I'm going to the comic book store.\u000aPenny:   Then what difference does it make?\u000aSheldon:   What difference does it make?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Here we go.\u000aSheldon:   That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't sit in his spot.
p1168
aVSheldon:   You're in my spot.
p1169
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)"(2013)Penny:   Tell me something about you I don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I own nine pairs of pants.\u000aPenny:   Okay, that-that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I see.\u000aPenny:   Mm.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I own nine pairs of underpants.
p1170
aVSheldon Cooper:   Here's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings.\u000aPenny:   What'd I do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me. And you treated it as if it were nothing.\u000aPenny:   I-I didn't think it was a big deal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is to me. That's the point.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your apology is accepted.\u000aPenny:   Thank you. How about a hug?\u000a[holds out her arms]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [holds out his hand] How about a hearty handshake?\u000aPenny:   Come on.\u000a[pulls him into a hug. Sheldon pats her back awkwardly]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now I know how you felt, getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.
p1171
aVSheldon Cooper:   Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.\u000aPenny:   Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You over estimate his significance in my life.\u000aPenny:   MMMM.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do I miss how makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup. No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code?\u000a[Knocks his answer in Morse Code]\u000aPenny:   OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I try.
p1172
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [on phone on deck of ship in storm] Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3 case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2 case.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So... Did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What was what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...
p1173
aVPenny:   What's the matter?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um... Well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams. Like the kind you'd get if you watched 'Clash of the Titans' right before you went to bed.
p1174
aVPenny:   I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?\u000aPenny:   No!\u000a[pause]\u000aPenny:   Yeah.
p1175
aVPenny:   Here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A. I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. After I did it I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, I've seen that! Yeah. 'Serial Apeist'.\u000a[Penny gasps in horror]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Howard found it on line the day we met you.\u000aPenny:   Ohh!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It was literally the moment you walked out the door.
p1176
aVPenny:   His is ridiculous, why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman.\u000a[Penny stares at him angrily]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that it? Did I get it right?
p1177
aVPenny:   No. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I own nine pairs of pants.\u000aPenny:   Okay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.\u000aPenny:   How about I go first?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I don't want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.\u000aPenny:   Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.\u000aPenny:   Oh, God.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave.\u000aPenny:   Okay.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.\u000aPenny:   That's your big revelation?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.
p1178
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)"(2012)[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.\u000aStephen Hawking:   Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, me too.\u000aStephen Hawking:   Or should I say Dr. Loser. Ha, ha ha.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Y-yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.\u000aStephen Hawking:   Do you like brain teasers?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I love brain teasers.\u000aStephen Hawking:   What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener-neener.
p1179
aVSheldon Cooper:   Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words With Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request! Do you understand what that means?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That somewhere right now, Stephen Hawking is saying, "Damn it. I meant to click no."
p1180
aVSheldon Cooper:   Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen!\u000a[Turns off dancing game]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch!
p1181
aVSheldon Cooper:   The game is not called Words with Strangers. No. It is not even called Words with Acquaintances. It's called Words with...\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm not finishing your sentence! You pulled the plug on my funk!
p1182
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's only a matter of time before we're coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I'll be Coop. Yeah. He'll be Wheels. If he's okay with that.
p1183
aVSheldon Cooper:   Stephen Hawking's a genius and he talks like a robot. Everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
p1184
aVSheldon Cooper:   One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And, I'm spanking him so hard his grad students won't be able to sit down.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's your point?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.
p1185
aV[Leonard wants to talk about a problem he's having with Penny, but Sheldon is distracted with his own problem]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Is it possible we're having two different conversations?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How would I know? I'm not listening to you.
p1186
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   Look at him. Just standing in line like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Maybe we shouldn't bother him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not going to bother him. I'm going to talk to him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He thinks there's a difference.
p1187
aVSheldon Cooper:   Never meet your heroes, they always say. Never peek behind the curtain of fame, or you'll see them for what they really are: degenerate carnie folk.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   He's a retired science kids show host.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's even worse! Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.
p1188
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes I have. My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Maybe he found you a bit much.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's kind of a stretch. But when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. Ha-ha-ha-haaaa. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Ahhh. Well, that one's tricky. I'm still working on it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   rom what I saw the other day I can understand why he and... some people might find you...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It doesn't matter\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. Go ahead. Say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying."\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy. Say, "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." Now where are you going? You know you want to say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying." Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say it, Amy. Say it.\u000a[Amy leaves the apartment slamming the door]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, she can't stand it when I'm right.
p1189
aVSheldon Cooper:   Because it's just so happens I'm also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn't that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.\u000aBill Nye:   Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   That's what I told my lawyers.
p1190
aV[first lines]\u000a[Sheldon is skipping through the store]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Never seen him this happy before.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Amy] He thinks there's a difference.
p1191
aVSheldon Cooper:   If you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye, the Restraining Order Guy.
p1192
aVBill Nye:   I thought I was talking to a class.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, what I said was you were teaching someone a lesson.
p1193
aVArthur Jeffries:   Sheldon, what are you doing here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, Arthur. Did I wake you?\u000aArthur Jeffries:   It's seven thirty, so yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I would've gotten here sooner, but for some reason your house isn't on this map of the Hollywood stars.
p1194
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)"(2013)Howard Wolowitz:   What are you guys doing here?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh yeah, what's that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.\u000aPenny:   We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.\u000aPenny:   Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Sit down, honey.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Raj, you're up.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Told you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't.
p1195
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ohh, you shouldn't have.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Oh, it's my pleasure.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, you really shouldn't have.\u000a[holds up bag of takeout food]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I brought my own.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   You stopped and got him takeout?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, now don't you feel silly.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:  [to Howard] Show him the closet!
p1196
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Amy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Really?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny.\u000aPenny:   It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No it's not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hm.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bernadette.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.\u000a[Howard gets up and walks away]\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   You okay?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah. I'm terrific.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So? Which one do you think it is, matey?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, one of them is.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
p1197
aVSheldon Cooper:   Surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Sheldon, don't you dare!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, yuh-yuh, there's nothing to worry about; your secret's safe with me.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   That's more like it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Howard] Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.
p1198
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Color is fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.
p1199
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Cleaning the lint trap on the laundry room drier] Yech! It's like cleaning the building's belly button.
p1200
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   We need something from you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.\u000aPenny:   We need some information from you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.
p1201
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Nice to see everyone dressed up.\u000aPenny:   Well, this party is delightful.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   As is the company.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.
p1202
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)"(2010)Raj Koothrappali:   You're so arrogant! If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.
p1203
aVRaj Koothrappali:   You said I could get a desk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This isn't a desk! This is a... Brobdingnagian monstrosity!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Is that the American idiom for "giant big-ass desk"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's actually British.
p1204
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Why can't I buy my own desk?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because...\u000a[long pause]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Because?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because it's my office.
p1205
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   So Howard and Bernadette agreed to discuss it over coffee.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Quick question.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why are you telling me all this?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know. I guess your movements are so life-like I sometimes forget you're not a real boy.
p1206
aVSheldon Cooper:   I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Thank you\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Stand by for my upcoming tat!
p1207
aVHoward Wolowitz:   How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?\u000a[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]\u000aBernadette:  [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000a[peers under the table]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's one of his best moves.
p1208
aVSheldon Cooper:  [referring to an over sized desk] Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on!
p1209
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Walking by Sheldon's office door] My God, what is that smell?\u000a[Knocks on the door-Sheldon emerges wearing a gasmask]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you doing in there?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm making hydrogen sulfide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [Raj emerges from the office] That's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India: an entire sub-continent where cows walk in the street and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Well, we'll just see how you noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple scented aromatherapy candles.\u000a[Retreats into the office. Sheldon turns to Leonard and shakes his head]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Didn't you saw you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Isn't that flammable?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Highly.\u000a[Leonard looks at him with raised eyebrows]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [There is a flash and a bang from inside the office. Leonard and Sheldon step back quickly. Raj emerges blackened and dishevelled with a parakeet in a cage] This is not over.
p1210
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Sales Call Sublimation (#9.12)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the one to beat! Leonard?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Stop selling it kid, you won.
p1211
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm glad to see you made it safely. How's your hotel?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [via computer] It's not the best Best Western I've been to, but let's say it's... the third best Best Western I've been to.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn't the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hmm, that's a great question. I like when they're next to a Chipotle.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OK; well, I should unpack.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I will. I... wish you were here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At a neurobiology confere- what a mean thing to say!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OK, I'm glad you're *not* here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Good-bye, Sheldon\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bye.
p1212
aVRaj Koothrappali:   How did you find that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It wasn't difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers they appear red but when they're twin primes they're pink and smell like gasoline?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Huh, I guess I'm a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.
p1213
aVRaj Koothrappali:   A medium-sized asteroid.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's it? How common. That's the chicken fingers on the menu of space.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I kind of like chicken fingers.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, me too. I was just stuck for a metaphor.
p1214
aVSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Uh, making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh.\u000a[pasue]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing now?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Still making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, I see.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How about now?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Now I'm making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced and wishing you had a coloring book.
p1215
aVRaj Koothrappali:   There's about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don't you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm on it. Hey, look at that: an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fellow.
p1216
aVSheldon Cooper:   I can be helpful; give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who'd been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.
p1217
aVSheldon Cooper:   Come on, Daddy needs a liveable planet he can rule with an iron fist.
p1218
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)"(2014)Raj Koothrappali:   Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How about Penny's depressing acting career?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.\u000aPenny:   Thank you.
p1219
aVSheldon Cooper:   Ten years ago upon first seeing me your husband claim that I looked like C3PO and Pee Wee Herman. And he called me C-3-PeeWee Herman.
p1220
aVPenny:  [Car making noises] Uh, that doesn't sound good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.\u000aPenny:   Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [car stops] Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.
p1221
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Are we playing individuals or teams?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Teams are fun.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We don't really do that.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [Interrupting] ... do that! See?
p1222
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard\u000a[Tap... tap... tap]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   , Howard\u000a[Tap... tap... tap]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   , Howard\u000a[Tap... tap... tap]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   .\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What now?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I have to go to the bathroom.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You just went to the bathroom.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all me emails the toilet didn't have a seat belt.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, it still doesn't.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.
p1223
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.
p1224
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
p1225
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, could you wrap it up? We're waiting for you.\u000aPenny:   I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interrupting your board game?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is.\u000a[to Howard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   See, I told you she would understand.
p1226
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Griffin Equivalency (#2.4)"(2008)Gablehauser:  [all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in] Hello, boys.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Dr. Gablehauser\u000aGablehauser:   Dr. Koothrappali\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Dr. Gablehauser\u000aGablehauser:   Dr. Hofstadter\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Dr. Gablehauser\u000aGablehauser:   Dr. Cooper\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Dr. Gablehauser\u000aGablehauser:   Mr. Wolowitz
p1227
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you proud of yourself?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In general, yes.
p1228
aVSheldon Cooper:   Baby wipe?\u000aPenny:   Why do you have those?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz:   No, no! Don't! Don't!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.\u000aPenny:   Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz:   Why? Please, don't!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
p1229
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   That may well be, but it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens... And I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
p1230
aVSheldon Cooper:   Look, I found my missing neutrino.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, good. Now we can take his picture off the milk carton.
p1231
aV[Raj was named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We're going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Apologize? For what?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I sense you're trying to tell me something.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You were a colossal asshat.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh! No! I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really. Do tell.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug; and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, let's try it this way: what if this People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I had not considered that. I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   He can feel sadness?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not really; it's what you and I would call condescension.
p1232
aV[Raj is acting arrogant as a result of being named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course - but one can see their point.
p1233
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   If we do get a new friend he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He should share our love of technology.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   And he should know a lot of women.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.
p1234
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)"(2014)[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How's your mom holding up?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How many is that now?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So, who's watching her now?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.
p1235
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, buddy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You okay?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They're forcing me to continue with string theory.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He said it's why they hired me, i-it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do thing they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's a rude thing to say... out loud.
p1236
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   So listen. There was something I was hoping to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. She has spent many nights here and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Actually this is about where she and I are going to live.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you mean?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, well. We might want to live together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh yeah, well. I have already given this some thought, and I'm willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now; obviously not when she's made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with... not you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't understand. How can we all live together if I'm not there?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look, I know this is, this is a change, and that sounds scary...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Where are you going to go?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, I don't know. We-we just started to think about this. Maybe I'll move in with Penny or maybe she and I'll take this place and you can move across the hall.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah wai- Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I did not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then I'm all out of guesses. What? Me. Move across the hall. Why would even suggest such a thing?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because I love Penny and I want to give her the life she deserves.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, yeah!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wow.
p1237
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   This might work out for the best. I mean, you're always complaining what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ugh. It's like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with bird and snakes.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You hate the sound of all those keys on this key chain.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Four keys! I mean, who does he think he is, a warden?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   See, maybe you'll love living alone.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know. Perhaps.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And if it turns out you don't... you and I could live together.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You and... Oh, sure. While we're at it why don't we get engaged, too. Why don't get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together. Do you hear yourself, woman?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, it was just a thought.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, here's a thought. You're not moving in, Leonard's not moving out. Everything stays exactly the way it is.
p1238
aVStuart Bloom:   I don't mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your life? The university is making me do string theory. And my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I'm sad is damp and smells funny.
p1239
aVPenny:   We were worried about you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.
p1240
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Come on. You know you're overreacting.\u000aPenny:   Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What? Why?\u000aPenny:   It might be good for him.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know he can't take a trip like this by himself.\u000aPenny:   He's a grown man.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen "Freaky Friday"; sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.\u000aPenny:   Leonard, we can't protect him forever.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I know, but...\u000aPenny:   He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.\u000aPenny:   Seriously, let him go.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, if you really need to do this I'm not gonna stand in your way.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I do.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay. Good luck.\u000aPenny:   Be safe and call us.\u000a[Kisses him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I will.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bye, buddy.\u000a[he starts to leave]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm gonna miss you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course you are.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He just made that easier.
p1241
aVSheldon Cooper:   I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, and you're supposed to use the powder.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It tastes the same.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No! The syrup tastes better, and I don't like it!
p1242
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   Gentlemen, since Star Wars' Day is rapidly approaching we should finalize our plans.\u000aPenny:   That's a real thing? What is it? Star Wars' Christmas?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No, don't be ridiculous. That's Wookie Life Day.
p1243
aVSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Comforting you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.
p1244
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'll be at home celebrating Star Wars' Day as planned.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of time isn't?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If we were in a physical relationship you just lost sex tonight.
p1245
aVSheldon Cooper:   Arthur. I thought you were dead.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   I am. It's fantastic. I mean this is the longest I've gone without running into a men's room in years.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why are you here?\u000aArthur Jeffries:   I don't know. I was hoping of going to haunt my ex-wife.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know why. You've come to me because you're my Obi Wan.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   I'm not... I'm not familiar with that Is that an internet?\u000aSheldon Cooper,Arthur Jeffries:   Wow. You're dead so I'm gonna let that slide. Obi Wan Knobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Well, that clears that up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You must be here to give me advice.\u000aArthur Jeffries:  [Appears in Obi Wan Knobi Jedi robes] Well this... this is weird. Most of my robes open in the back.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Those are your Jedi robes.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Oh wait... what? What... what is this?\u000a[Activate light saber]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, be careful with that.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Whoa. Whoa. Oh, neato.\u000a[Waves light saber around]\u000aArthur Jeffries:   I'm uh. I'm going to need a band-aid.
p1246
aVArthur Jeffries:   Where are we?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is the swamp land of Degobah. It's where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Oh, too bad. I thought it was Florida.
p1247
aVSheldon Cooper:   When Obi Wan came to Luke on this very spot he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what have you got for me?\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Um, always get a pre-nupt.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's it? I thought there would be more of a reason why you are here.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Why do you think I'm here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Is this the first time you lost someone close to you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh no, no. I already had to say good-bye to eleven Dr. Who's.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Yeah, I out lived a few of my doctors, too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course my grandfather died when I was five and my father died when I was fourteen.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   I'm sorry about that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And now you're gone too. It's like all the men I've looked up to have gone away.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   You know it's all right to be sad about it, but just make sure appreciate those who are still there for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I do appreciate them.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Well then what am I doing in the swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them Sheldon.
p1248
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well why do I need you now?\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Well as near as I can tell you fell asleep watching Star Wars and now you're dreaming you're watching Star Wars.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So?\u000aArthur Jeffries:   Don't you see a problem there? I mean how you're spending your limited time on Earth.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not at all.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   OK. Good luck to you.
p1249
aVSheldon Cooper:   When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?\u000aPenny:   No, he blew up the Death Star! Why do I even know this?
p1250
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition (#2.19)"(2009)Rajesh Koothrappali:   I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.\u000aSheldon:   Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.\u000aLeonard:   Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Great. So I can take them both out with a number 2 pencil?
p1251
aVPenny:   OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?\u000aSheldon:   I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.\u000aPenny:   Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.\u000aSheldon:   You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?\u000aPenny:   You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.\u000aLeonard:   Why are you making it worse?\u000aPenny:   I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.
p1252
aVSheldon:   You know, Penny, there is something that occurs in beehives that you might find interesting. Occasionally a new queen bee will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.\u000aPenny:   What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia, that I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?\u000aSheldon:   I'm just taking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?
p1253
aVSheldon:   May I interject something here?\u000aPenny:   Please!\u000aSheldon:   You got the wrong mustard.
p1254
aVLeonard:  [Sheldon shakes one of the boxes of the new tenant] What are you doing?\u000aSheldon:   I'm checking for musical instruments.\u000a[Shakes the box again]\u000aSheldon:   Does that sound like castanets to you?\u000aLeonard:   The box says "kitchen".\u000aSheldon:   So? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?
p1255
aVSheldon:  [after hearing Penny mimic Alicia] Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I've been working on Admiral Ackbar from "Return of the Jedi". "It's a trap!" You have to imagine me with a giant squid head.
p1256
aVPenny:   What exactly is he doing up there?\u000aSheldon:   In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrapali setting up her stereo.\u000aPenny:   Oh, they're all up there are they? Typical.\u000aSheldon:   It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her at her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstratively fallacious.\u000aPenny:   Okay, *now* I see the giant squid head.
p1257
aVSheldon:   Did you remember to ask for the chicken and broccoli to be diced, not shredded?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Even though the menu specifies shredded?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Brown rice, not white?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   You stop at the green grocery and get the good hot mustard?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aSheldon:   Good. See how it's done, Leonard?
p1258
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst (#5.4)"(2011)Raj Koothrappali:   I don't know if I want to play anymore.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because you don't have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.
p1259
aVSheldon Cooper:   I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.\u000a[continues to eat, without further explanation. The others looks curiously at him]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Could you tell us...?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Let's see...\u000a[rolls dice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.\u000aPenny:   Hang on... Doubles. Roll again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [rolls again] Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappali's are vastly wealthy.\u000aPenny:   What do you mean, "vastly wealthy"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
p1260
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.\u000aPenny:   So how much is that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
p1261
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can't figure out what to do? I remember those days! If you'll excuse me, I have to...\u000a[stands up, rolling dice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Stay right here.\u000a[sits down]
p1262
aVSheldon Cooper:   The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
p1263
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
p1264
aVPenny:   Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why are you still doing this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
p1265
aVPenny:   I can't believe Raj has a girlfriend.\u000a[Sheldon rolls his dices]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Me neither.
p1266
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Application Deterioration (#9.18)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   The revisions I made start on page four.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Wow, that is a lot of "whereupons".\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.
p1267
aV[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   OK, I gotta ask: why are you wearing a bow tie?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I've never applied for a patent before; I wanted to make a good impression.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   The impression that your first name is Pee-wee?\u000a[Leonard laughs]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn.\u000aTim:   Come on in, fellows.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   See, he's not wearing a tie.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, he's a patent attorney; maybe his tie is pending.
p1268
aVHoward Wolowitz:   This contract looks good to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.
p1269
aVPenny Hofstadter:   Sheldon, did you draw up the contract?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You bet I did.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:  [to Amy] Ooh. You're going to make out so hard tonight.
p1270
aVSheldon Cooper:   Sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sure; we could write something up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But which one of us should be the party who...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You can do it, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So stipulated!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.
p1271
aVSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me! I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting; don't need one now.
p1272
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hey, Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If she doesn't think that we should apply for this patent, she's being "patently" absurd.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Good one.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.
p1273
aVSheldon Cooper:   Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, that too. And scoot over; part of your shadow's on my spot.
p1274
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   The apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminescent paint will guide you to the nearest exit.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You're kidding.\u000a[Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I never kid about safety.
p1275
aVPenny:   What happened to Leonard?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm the new Homo in town!\u000a[pause]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   That came out wrong.
p1276
aVSheldon Cooper:   Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.\u000aPenny:   Monkeys!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When does a monkey have a trunk?\u000aPenny:   When a suitcase just won't do.\u000a[Penny and Raj laugh]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.
p1277
aVSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing here?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I said, what are you doing here?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I live here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have paperwork that says differently.
p1278
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Hi, you guys ready to order?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [the gang mutters consent] Sure.\u000aPenny:   'Kay. Priya?\u000aPriya Koothrappali:   I'll have the Shepherd's pie.\u000a[to Leonard]\u000aPriya Koothrappali:   You want to split that with me?\u000aPenny:   Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.\u000aPriya Koothrappali:   Why not?\u000aPenny:   Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust... your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's day balloon.
p1279
aVHoward Wolowitz:   You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Kill me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
p1280
aVSheldon Cooper:   I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her Ph.D.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's indeed admirable. Although it is microbiology.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony." Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.
p1281
aV[last lines]\u000aPenny:  [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is going on?\u000aPenny:  [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.\u000a[embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What does it look like?
p1282
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   I needed advice about a woman, and I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything it's that you can't tell a uterus from a unicycle.
p1283
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.
p1284
aVAlex Jensen:   What did I do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.\u000aAlex Jensen:   What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.\u000aAlex Jensen:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.\u000aAlex Jensen:   This conversation is making me uncomfortable.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You and me both, sister.
p1285
aVJanine Davis:   That's it. All of you, in my office, now!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.
p1286
aVJanine Davis:   Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you you can't say it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You're a slave.\u000aJanine Davis:   I'm a what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, y-you, I-I'm just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...\u000aJanine Davis:   Whuh-ah! Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I'm gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
p1287
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.
p1288
aVSheldon Cooper:   The next time you fall prey to your reproductive urges, please feel free to leaf through this book of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, check out this oozy doozy.\u000aAlex Jensen:   I'm afraid I have to go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So does this guy, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.
p1289
aVSheldon Cooper:   Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.\u000aJanine Davis:   And who would that be?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.
p1290
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:  [about Howard's robot arm] Fine, but one must be cautious.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How so?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Today it's retrieving condiments. Tomorrow, it's travelling back in time to kill Sarah Connor.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't think that's gonna happen.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No one ever does. That's why it happens.
p1291
aVSheldon Cooper:   Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of creating the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm guessing future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
p1292
aVPenny:   You don't even like people touching you. How are you and Amy going to have sex?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why on Earth would we do that?\u000aPenny:   To have your baby. Didn't your mom have the talk? You know, when your private parts started to grow?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am well aware of the way humans usually procreate, which is messy, unsanitary, and judging from living next door to you for the past three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.\u000aPenny:   Oh, God.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Exactly.
p1293
aVSheldon Cooper:   You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.\u000aPenny:   Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?
p1294
aVSheldon Cooper:   If Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with Petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigor. Is your womb available for rental?
p1295
aVPenny:   So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a Neuro... something or other?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Neurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, it's OK.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   But the light indicates...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't, bother, I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.\u000aPenny:   Uh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Dandruff Shampoo. I have dry scalp.\u000aPenny:   Ah, well your hair looks very nice.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are you a homosexual?\u000aPenny:   No, No, I'm just, giving you a compliment.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.\u000aPenny:   Guys, how about some music?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I wouldn't care for that, Amy?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No, thank you.\u000aPenny:   OK. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aPenny:   Well, why don't you tell her?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Alright. It was hell.\u000aPenny:   Any follow up Amy?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No.\u000aPenny:   I, myself, grew up in Nebraska. Small town, outside of Omaha. Yeah, a nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?\u000aPenny:   I don't know, I was just trying something.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Muggles.
p1296
aVPenny:  [sighs] OK, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm going to tell your mother on you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, that's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild.\u000aPenny:   Really, your deeply religious, born again Christian mother wants a test tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [stunned] Curses.
p1297
aVPenny:   Who's Amy?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   His girlfriend.\u000aPenny:  [blindsided by the news] Sheldon has a girlfriend?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's not my girlfriend.\u000aPenny:   How long has this been going on?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Four months.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's not my girlfriend.\u000aPenny:   Are you telling me for the past four months, I have been asking you "What's new?" and you never thought to go with "Sheldon has a girlfriend"?
p1298
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)"(2010)[last lines]\u000a[Amy and Sheldon are speaking to Amy's mother over a video computer connection on a laptop]\u000aMrs. Fowler:   It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I assure you I am quite real. And I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.\u000aMrs. Fowler:  [in a surprised tone] What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.\u000aMrs. Fowler:  [scared] Amy, what is he saying?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother. Well, here he is.\u000a[Sheldon waves at the computer screen, while Mrs. Fowler nervously waves back]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.\u000a[Mrs. Fowler makes a little yelp as Sheldon closes the computer top]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Thank you, Sheldon; that went very well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.\u000a[Amy stares at him blankly]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bazinga.\u000a[looks at his watch]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
p1299
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Screwed.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There you go.
p1300
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No misunderstanding. I'e learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   In what way are you screwed?
p1301
aVSheldon Cooper:   What makes you chuckle, Leonard?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Um, recently? Not much.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Um... shut up.
p1302
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, guys.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hey.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hey.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
p1303
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   As if one of the plants from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
p1304
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You changed the address on the building? What about mail?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."
p1305
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, it just occurred to me: if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of then there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Probably; what's your point?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle.
p1306
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Spaghetti Catalyst (#3.20)"(2010)Penny:   So, how you been?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.\u000aPenny:   You're just coitusing with me, are you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bazinga!
p1307
aVSheldon Cooper:   Uh-oh.\u000aPenny:   What is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I want to get my mail.\u000aPenny:   So go get it.\u000a[pause]\u000aPenny:   Are you trying to get it telepathically?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think you mean telekinetically, and no.
p1308
aVHoward Wolowitz:   The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Which team picks last?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
p1309
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   So would Ben Affleck.
p1310
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.
p1311
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why did you eat dinner with us?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.
p1312
aVSheldon Cooper:   I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.\u000aPenny:   Yep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
p1313
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Knock, knock, knock] Penny,\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny.\u000a[Knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny.\u000a[Sheldon is holding up one hot dog]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
p1314
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Opening Night Excitation (#9.11)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:  [Knock. Knock] Penny?\u000a[Knock. Knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny?\u000a[Knock. Knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:  [Quietly to Penny] What happens if *I* say "Come in?"\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Huh? Find out.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:  [Loudly] Come in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Long pause. Knock. Knock] Bernadette?\u000a[Knock. Knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bernadette?\u000a[Knock. Knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bernadette?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:  [Loudly] Come in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Keep it up. I got nowhere to be.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Come in.
p1315
aVPenny Hofstadter:   Okay. Well, what's the third option?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That I have coitus with her.
p1316
aVSheldon Cooper:   Then it's settled. My birthday gift to Amy will be my genitals.
p1317
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, this is a litigious society. I'm gonna need verbal consent.
p1318
aVSheldon Cooper:   This goes against everything I believe in, but these are desperate times.\u000a[Kneels down to pray]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Lord, it's me, Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've denied your existence all my life...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   We're in!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ...and I will continue to do so!
p1319
aVArthur Jeffries:   Can I get out of this muumuu now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the robe of the Jedi, the guardians of peace in the galaxy.\u000aArthur Jeffries:   And they didn't wear underwear.
p1320
aVSheldon Cooper:  [indifferently after sex] Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [looking like she had the time of her life] Me, too.
p1321
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Communication Deterioration (#8.21)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:  [singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's pretty cool, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I'd love her to get behind it.
p1322
aVRaj Koothrappali:   You guys know the new discovery class missions that NASA's been working on?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You can't breathe our air without an inhaler. He's allergic to Earth nuts, but I'm the alien.
p1323
aVPenny:  [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon!\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon!\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.
p1324
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate "cow exploder."
p1325
aVPenny:   You are a wise man.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?\u000aPenny:   Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, it's the wise man.
p1326
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Now that we're all on the same page, let's get together tonight and work on it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Okay, I think we should do it right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tonight works better for me.
p1327
aVSheldon Cooper:   Greetings from Planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can't miss it.
p1328
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Combustion (#8.23)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?\u000aMary Cooper:   Are you ashamed of me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.\u000aMary Cooper:   Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.
p1329
aVMary Cooper:   Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What did they feed the lions, Mother?\u000aMary Cooper:   The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
p1330
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.
p1331
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
p1332
aVMary Cooper:   Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ooh, this is a good one.\u000aMary Cooper:   Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tell her about the uranium! Tell her about the uranium!\u000aMary Cooper:   Oh, well. Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.\u000aMary Cooper:   No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.
p1333
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, you are a super weaner!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?
p1334
aVDr. Beverly Hofstadter:   I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
p1335
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Empathy Optimization (#9.13)"(2016)[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?\u000aEmily Sweeney:   At the moment, no, not really.
p1336
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hi Sheldon, what's new?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Our friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I said "what's new", but sure...
p1337
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, when you're sick you can be... unbearable. And that's why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it's ended.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No! No! Not just that. I mean... Detroit is *beautiful* when it's sleeting.
p1338
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shamalan movie, I'm going to mean it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ah, so like every other M. Night Shamalan movie I've seen, you spoil it in advance...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hey, if you didn't know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that's not on me.
p1339
aVSheldon Cooper:   I had a 101 fever. If that's not a time to verbally abuse my love ones, when is?
p1340
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh, where are we going?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, Vegas, but...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ugh! Atlantic City without the taffy? No thank you!
p1341
aVSheldon Cooper:   Oh,I've been on a little trip myself recently, not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you'll come back with is personal growth.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   And there's your next t-shirt.
p1342
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Re-Entry Minimization (#6.4)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   It's been a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We'll remember you with fond nostalgia, like the dial-up modem, the VHS tape and Leonard's gym membership.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I don't want Stuart to leave. We've become good friends.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, that's one vote for, one against. Leonard, you're the tie breaker.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't mind Stuart. Besides, he gives us 20% discounts on comic books.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My friendship isn't sold so cheaply.\u000aStuart:   I can go as high as 30.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Welcome aboard, old chum.
p1343
aVSheldon Cooper:  [on Howard] He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.
p1344
aVPenny:   Sheldon, you're full of fun little facts. Where do you think the expression "have your ass handed to you" come from?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know.\u000aPenny:   I bet it was from ancient Rome, where they actually chopped off someone's ass and went "Here" as an offering to Loseronius, the God of Losers.
p1345
aVPenny:   We're not playing a made-up game.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All games are made up. They're not found in nature. No one digs on the ground and finds a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.
p1346
aVSheldon Cooper:  [after losing at "Where's Waldo"] How could you not find him?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because he's hard to find! If he was easy to find, the books would be called "There's Waldo!"
p1347
aVSheldon Cooper:  [At a pie-eating contest] I'm concerned about all these blueberries. Blueberries are rich in anti-oxidants.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   With all those anti-oxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, we haven't won a single game. Either you put your face in that pie, or I will put the pie in your face!
p1348
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either sick your face in that pie, or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's rude.
p1349
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Guitarist Amplification (#3.7)"(2009)[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Wow, Sheldon, I can not believe you made up your own game.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. Like the slogan says, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We must not be playing it right.
p1350
aVPenny:   Hey.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey.\u000a[pause]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We're, uh, going to the movies.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
p1351
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to Raj and Howard, finally having heard enough] Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!\u000a[Imitating his mother]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking I'd leave you!"\u000a[Imitating his father]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"\u000a[as his mother]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!"\u000a[as his father]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry: that I let you name him Sheldon!"\u000a[Storms out of the comic book store]
p1352
aVPenny:   Here, what's going on?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.
p1353
aVPenny:   How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I want that one.\u000aPenny:   Okay, you can have that one.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.\u000aPenny:   Buy him the robot, Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can I get this comic book too?\u000aPenny:   Yes, you can.
p1354
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies.
p1355
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should have asked for *much* more than a comic book and a robot.
p1356
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)"(2010)Sheldon Cooper:   What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   We're good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."
p1357
aVSheldon Cooper:   Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quizno's. For examination under a two photon microscope, it's fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.
p1358
aVSheldon Cooper:   What were the symptoms?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Localized to what region?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Ears and genitalia.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.
p1359
aVSheldon Cooper:   Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases... sexual arousal.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?
p1360
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, I am not going through menopause!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.
p1361
aVPenny:   Are you saying that Amy is... oh, what's the scientific word...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Forget science. She's horny.
p1362
aVPenny:   I'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's... urges.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's illegal to spay a human being.
p1363
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)"(2013)Penny:   Well, here we are.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yep. Really going to miss you.\u000aPenny:   Going to miss you too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.\u000aPenny:   Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [quickly] All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would you just relax?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!\u000aPenny:   Did you bring enough inhalers?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah.\u000aPenny:   And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, I'm covered.\u000aPenny:   OK.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.\u000aPenny:   Oh, Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [very quickly] It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.\u000aPenny:   I love you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I love you too.\u000a[They kiss and embrace]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.
p1364
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that's going to stop me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very well.\u000a[long pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.\u000a[Leonard stops the car and stares at him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should have opened with that, huh?
p1365
aVSheldon Cooper:   If Hawking's theories are correct, all he'd prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. Me, I'm interested in the big questions.
p1366
aV[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sounds romantic.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How's that working for you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.
p1367
aVPenny:   Oh, my God. Sheldon the genius is actually jealous of Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I am not jealous. I'm just upset that good things are happening for him and are not happening to me.
p1368
aVHoward Wolowitz:   It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It was.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It must have killed you when I went to space.
p1369
aVSheldon Cooper:   For the record, it did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.
p1370
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)"(2011)Penny:   Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son.\u000a[hands Sheldon the phone]\u000aPenny:   Talk to your mother.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sobbing] Mommy, I love you! Don't let Spock take me to the future!
p1371
aVSheldon Cooper:   I agreed to speak to you this evening because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates. Of course, that's like saying you're the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.\u000a[no reaction]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because, you see, there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.\u000a[no reaction]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Best and brightest, my sweet patootie.
p1372
aVSheldon Cooper:   I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
p1373
aVSheldon Cooper:   Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I've failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
p1374
aVPenny:   Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.
p1375
aV[Sheldon is acting out a scene from a play he wrote]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [as a child] Mommy, why are you crying?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [as his mother] Because I'm gonna miss you, Shellybean, even though you creep the bejesus out of me.
p1376
aVSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, from the context, we think it means "Kill me now".
p1377
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)"(2014)Raj Koothrappali:   You suck, Wolowitz!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What the hell was that?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm heckling you. It's a beloved baseball tradition.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He's right. And considering you're still waiting to be called for a game you played in fifth grade, you probably do suck.
p1378
aVSheldon Cooper:   Did you enjoy my lecture?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No, and neither did our waiter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, but if you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either know all about the history of Cornwall, or be prepared to learn it. You can't argue with that.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I know, I saw a poor, sad man trying to and failing.
p1379
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I've seen you two sit next to each other doing different things.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's called parallel play.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Toddlers do that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not as well as we do.
p1380
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   A relationship is not something you can quantify.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Everything is quantifiable. This french fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly enough, a four.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How ridiculous is he?\u000aPenny:   A hundred.
p1381
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   How about this? You stay for the game, I'll buy you some cotton candy and a bobblehead.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bobblehead of whom?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Does it matter?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not as long as it bobbles.
p1382
aVSheldon Cooper:   Okay, new plan: we go to Disneyland, play hide-and-seek on Tom Sawyer's Island, and come back in time for the end of the pitch.
p1383
aVRaj Koothrappali:   You suck, Wolowitz!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He makes a valid point!
p1384
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Spock Resonance (#9.7)"(2015)Leonard Hofstadter:   When did we get a wall safe?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When there was no more room in the floor safe.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When did we get a floor safe?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When we got the security camera!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   There's a security camera?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
p1385
aVWil Wheaton:   Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.\u000aAdam Nimoy:   Nice to meet you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life's journey began in my hero's scrotum.\u000aWil Wheaton:  [quiet aside to Adam Nimoy] I told you this guy is gold.
p1386
aVAdam Nimoy:   And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The first episode of Star Trek, The Original Series, I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus 2. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said "eat farts". After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother's sphincter-based cuisine.
p1387
aV[Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You have a will?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Will Wil want it?\u000aWil Wheaton:   Wil won't.
p1388
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny, you've spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Yes, don't take your shirt off just because the director said so.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I'm sure if there is nudity, it will be tasteful.
p1389
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, how could I have been so foolish, to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [sighs] Well, now instead of idolizing fictional characters you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Those are very wise words.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They'd just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.
p1390
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey buddy. How you doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you think they want to put my outburst in the documentary?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, yeah.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Definitely.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, there's no point dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say:Kup-fun-tor ha'kiv na'ish du stau? - Vulcan phrse. It means:"Can you return life to what you kill?".\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Do you know what that means?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Are you telling me the truth?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Nirsh - Vulcan phrse. It means: "No".\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn't accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I'm going to take action.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   What are you going to do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm going to find her and ask her to marry me. If she says yes, we can put his behind us and resume are relationship. And if she says no... well then she can just ponfo mirann - Vulcan phrase. It means "go to hell"\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He didn't mean that.
p1391
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay!\u000aWil Wheaton:   Did that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?\u000aStuart:   I believe so.\u000aWil Wheaton:   What is wrong with him?\u000aStuart:   Everyone has a different theory.
p1392
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Photographic is a misnomer; I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times, most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
p1393
aVSheldon Cooper:   It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poo on the handles of my bicycle.
p1394
aVSheldon Cooper:   Wil Wheaton, my old friend. I've chased you 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's Flames!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You know, you keep quoting "Wrath of Khan" but he was in "Next Generation?" It's a totally different set of characters.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Silence!
p1395
aVSheldon Cooper:   I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But, I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw.
p1396
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [screaming] WHEATON! WHEATON! WHEATON!
p1397
aVStuart Bloom:   Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?\u000aSheldon:   Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.
p1398
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Skywalker Incursion (#8.19)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:  [Opening lines] Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I like to laugh, but say it anyway.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay. What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.\u000aPenny:   You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.
p1399
aVSheldon Cooper:   Play that funky music, white boy!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm surprised you know that reference.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What reference?
p1400
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't think George Lucas built his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That's code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.
p1401
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [they've just found the gate to Skywalker Ranch] You want to get a picture?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I want more than a picture. I want to go in.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So do I, but they'll never let us.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.
p1402
aVSheldon Cooper:   I can see the ranch, Leonard! Oh, it's rustic, it's lovely! I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me! I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! They have tasers, but they wouldn't dare use... AAAAH!
p1403
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, what are you in for?\u000aMitchell:   Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up the movies made a huge impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere, until I discovered the worlds he had created, and I finally found a place where I belong.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But, why are you here?\u000aMitchell:   Oh, I hopped a fence and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with the Chewbacca statue.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me.\u000a[Gets up and sits next to Leonard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard... they have a sculpture gallery!
p1404
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are you talking about?
p1405
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Celebration Experimentation (#9.17)"(2016)[first lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [as they walk down the stairs] So, Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about, but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Way to narrow it down to everything.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What is it?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, your birthday's coming up, and you've never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.\u000a[he runs back upstairs]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OK, great. I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I just...\u000a[she notices he isn't there]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Where'd he go?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Whoa, wait a minute; you mention his birthday and he vanishes?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, where's that information been this whole time?
p1406
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Have to say you do look good in that suit.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Uh, thank you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Maybe later I'll, uh, get to see you in your 'birthday suit'.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is my birthday suit.
p1407
aVLeslie Winkle:   In the past I would have said something obnoxious, like "Happy birthday, dumbass," but I'm not going to do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it's just so nice to see you all again. So... Happy birthday, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh now, you know I hate change. Say it.\u000aLeslie Winkle:   Happy birthday, dumbass!
p1408
aVPenny Hofstadter:   You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is if I was there I... would have tortured you too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Based on this pep talk I'd say you're still doing it.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   My point is... there is a time I never would have been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people, so... if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But everyone will think I'm weird.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Sweetie, you *are* weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.
p1409
aVSheldon Cooper:   Thank you all so much for coming. Beverly, Wil Wheaton, Adam West for some reason...\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Batman finally came to your party.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Happy birthday, Sherman!
p1410
aVSheldon Cooper:   I know you worked hard to put this together; I'm sorry I'm ruining it.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh, plea-, you're not ruining it. Look, at some point Raj will try to get everyone to do the electric slide; now, that will ruin it.
p1411
aVPenny Hofstadter:   While they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say I hope you didn't think you were going to get through tonight without a hug.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, I used to hate these hugs.\u000a[she hugs him and he returns the hug]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now they're just extremely irritating.
p1412
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   What is your problem?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh really? Because I remember you saying that trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you really mean that or were you just trying to trick me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Fine, it's true. I deserve romance and I didn't know how else to make it happen.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, if you want romance, let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine.\u000a[Takes Amy's wine glass and drinks]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Grape juice that burns. Um, let's now gaze into each other's eyes.\u000a[Looks at Amy's eyes]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You blinked, I win.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic.\u000a[Amy doesn't believe him, gets kissed and enjoys it. So does Sheldon]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That was nice.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good. Um. The conductor said if I come back to the engine room he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OK, have fun.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do you want to come with me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Really? I do.
p1413
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Item 28 your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make decision.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I submitted you a notarized list.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I sorry, but Golum and Flaky are not acceptable.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, you don't like Princess Corncob. You don't like Fester. You're just impossible to please.
p1414
aVSheldon Cooper:   We've only been dating three years. If we share a room people might talk.
p1415
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Why do I even try?\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   I'm going to fix this right now.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   OK. Just make it look light an accident.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.\u000aEric:   All right.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Great. Now there's two of them.
p1416
aVSheldon Cooper:   I never want this day to ever end.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Feeling like it never will.
p1417
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I propose we spend Valentine's Day at a bed and breakfast in Napa.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I hate every word in that sentence, including "we", "in", "at", and "a".
p1418
aVSheldon Cooper:   So how long have you been riding trains?\u000aEric:   Six years. I used to work at UPS until a box fell on my head. Now I just collect disability and ride the rails.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your life is perfect.\u000aEric:   Not always. Six years ago a box fell on me at UPS and hit me on the head.
p1419
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)"(2009)[the guys are about to test their robot on a toaster oven]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   How about "Die, toaster, die!"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That'll do it.
p1420
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...\u000a[mimes sizzle]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   ... hot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm begging you, stop.\u000aPenny:   Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.\u000aPenny:   You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   So, what are you saying?\u000aPenny:   I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.\u000aPenny:   Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!
p1421
aVSheldon Cooper:   Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   As with my father, I both love and fear it.
p1422
aVSheldon Cooper:   Your robot is inferior, and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.\u000aRajesh Koothrappali:   Oh, snap.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now of course, if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony I withdraw that comment.
p1423
aVSheldon Cooper:   We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow, younger brother of physics. Watch and learn.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Do either of you know how to open a tool box?
p1424
aV[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or\u000aHoward Wolowitz,Leonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper,Rajesh Koothrappali:   Monte.\u000a[pronounced monty]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred-and-ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four-point-eight seconds.
p1425
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Just a toy robot...\u000a[he runs to his room]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny.\u000aPenny:   I know; I got it.\u000a[she goes to Sheldon's room]\u000aPenny:   Sheldon! I'm sorry!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well,\u000a[pointing to his bandaged nose]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm halfway to pity sex.
p1426
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Gothowitz Deviation (#3.3)"(2009)Leonard Hofstadter:   I'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You can catch even more flies with manure; what's your point?
p1427
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny:  [dancing and singing along to the radio] "I'm goin' out tonight / I'm feelin' alright /Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. Ah. No-" Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aPenny:   Why not?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [turns radio off] Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.\u000aPenny:   Are you fun in any of them?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.
p1428
aVSheldon Cooper:   Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that?
p1429
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   OK. I know what you're doing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very good. Chocolate?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
p1430
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Talking about how Sheldon deals with Penny] All I'm saying is that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?
p1431
aVSheldon Cooper:  [to himself] Interesting... Sex works even better than chocolate for modifying behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled upon that?
p1432
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, it turns out I can.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, you shouldn't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, this has to stop now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, you're not sanding Penny.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes, you're forbidden.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Squirts him] Bad Leonard.
p1433
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bus Pants Utilization (#4.12)"(2011)[first lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [on cellphone] Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Doesn't matter which finger.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   The little envelope.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.
p1434
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier analysis or using the Schrödinger equation?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.
p1435
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.
p1436
aVSheldon Cooper:   I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What the hell are bus pants?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on.
p1437
aVSheldon Cooper:   How about this for the name? The Surprising Helpful Equation Linked Deferential Optimized Numerator.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   So it spells "Sheldon"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Does it? A happy accident.
p1438
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [fed up with Sheldon trying to take over the app project] Okay, you're fired.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? Why?
p1439
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, very clever. But still racist.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Duly noted, "Steve from Wichita".
p1440
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Congruence (#3.11)"(2009)[first lines]\u000aPenny:   Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.\u000aPenny:   You really didn't like it, Sheldon?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!
p1441
aVSheldon Cooper:   December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Merry Newtonmas, everyone!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.
p1442
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I made tea.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't want tea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I didn't make tea for *you*. This is *my* tea.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Then why are you telling me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a conversation starter.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It's a *lousy* conversation starter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
p1443
aVSheldon Cooper:   Just remember, Leonard. Where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're my surrogate family?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night.
p1444
aVBeverly Hofstadter:  [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.\u000aPenny:   That's the Del Taco.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Speaking of warm feelings, come here!\u000a[Kisses Sheldon square on the lips]\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   No, I'd rather have the busboy.
p1445
aVBeverly Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I blame Penny.\u000aPenny:   I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   I think it's best that you don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Agreed.\u000aPenny:   Agreed.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What the hell. Agreed.
p1446
aVBeverly Hofstadter:   Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Yes. He was cheating on me.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No!\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.\u000a[to Penny]\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Oh, no offense, dear.\u000aPenny:  [sarcastically] No, it sounded like a compliment.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When did this happen?\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   September 22nd.\u000aBeverly Hofstadter:   Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Mitzy's dead?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
p1447
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)"(2011)Penny:   You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That does seem to be a valid principle.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't believe there's any such thing.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Incredulous, to Leonard] You lied to me?
p1448
aVSheldon Cooper:   Remember, people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder.
p1449
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., MA, Ph.D., and Sc.D. OMG, right?
p1450
aVSheldon Cooper:  [turns on the light] Please tell me you're not having coitus.\u000aPenny:   We are not having coitus.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And you can guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?\u000aPenny:   Yes.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.
p1451
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
p1452
aVPenny:  [First lines; coming up to their table at the Cheesecake Factory] Hey! So are we ready to order?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Since we come in here every Tuesday at 6pm and it's now 6:08, your question not only answers itself, but also goes along with other non-sensical queries, like "Who let the dogs out?", or "How are they hanging?"\u000aPenny:  [Marking her order tablet] Ooookay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.
p1453
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Fermentation Bifurcation (#9.22)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   Wine again? No, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way: in a juice box.
p1454
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, little lady, you've heard of party hardy? Get ready to party hardly.
p1455
aVSheldon Cooper:   When I was five I ingested a Z-gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying "I think I can pass it; I think I can pass it!"
p1456
aV[first lines]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine-tasting from work.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That sounds fun.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Mm-hm.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How come scientists don't win free stuff like sales people do?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   'Cause we're not in it for the stuff; we're in it for the groupies.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning; I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   But you always say that you want to win a Nobel prize.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I also say don't contradict me in front of my friends, and that you don't remember.
p1457
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, and we're going to prove that we don't need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh, good for you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meat and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   No Reddy-baked ham in a hot tub; got it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, and no bubble baths either; they can increase the chance of a urinary trach infection.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK, have fun.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   On, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish as they're all high in mercury.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We're leaving now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings. No-no cat-litter boxes. No paint fumes.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   OK, we're leaving, lovey, bye!\u000a[Leonard and Penny leave the apartment]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Boy, do I love restrictions.
p1458
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It's good to have extras under the sink.
p1459
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)"(2010)Evil Wil Wheaton:   Hey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the "Star Trek" universe.\u000aEvil Wil Wheaton:  [imitating Jar-Jar Binks] Mee-sa think that very funny!
p1460
aV[Sheldon is upset that Wil Wheaton has been invited to circumvent the line into a showing of the remastered "Raiders of the Lost Ark"]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is "Indiana Jones", not "Star Trek". There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here.\u000a[shouting at a departing Wil Wheaton]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up!
p1461
aVSheldon Cooper:   Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer Trouble.
p1462
aVPenny:   You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.
p1463
aVSheldon Cooper:   No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.
p1464
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't!\u000aJoey:   Because I'm the petty functionary with a clipboard, bitch.
p1465
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)"(2014)Amy Farrah Fowler:   It's nice that we all get to eat together.\u000a[the guys mumble in agreement]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.\u000aPenny:   Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What happened?\u000aPenny:   I just got a job on a TV show.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Congratulations.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's great. Guys!\u000a[Guys mumble acknowledgement]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What's the show?\u000aPenny:   NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's amazing.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   What's your part?\u000aPenny:   I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So it's just flirting.\u000aPenny:   Yea, why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.\u000aPenny:   Oh.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   He's wrong.
p1466
aVSheldon Cooper:   A joke is a brief oral narrative summary with a climatic humorous twist.
p1467
aVPenny:   Are you kidding me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really because...\u000aPenny:   Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.\u000aPenny:   No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   What happened?\u000aPenny:   They must have cut it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That stinks.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm sure you were great.\u000aPenny:   This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.
p1468
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.\u000aPenny:   No it's not. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You have me.\u000aPenny:   You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aPenny:   Ohh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ummm.\u000aPenny:   Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Look you know I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...\u000aPenny:   OK, so... so... you don't want to marry me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That is not what I said.\u000aPenny:   No forget it. I take it back. Offers off the table.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who's in the mood to laugh?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really not a good time.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I used science to construct the perfect joke.\u000aPenny:   I'm gonna go.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No. Penny don't.\u000aPenny:   No, no. I just need to be alone.
p1469
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can't sleep?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would you like to talk about it?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Penny proposed and I didn't say yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why not?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's a good question.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Does that mean the relationship is over?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why don't you ask her?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Because I am afraid to know the answer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I'm sorry.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or inappropriate comment?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. You're my friend and I'm sorry.
p1470
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry.\u000a[Pats Leonard on the back]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thanks. Wait, did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000a[Rips a paper off Leonard's back]
p1471
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:  [theme from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is playing] So, what do you think?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It was good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's it? Good?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity" I didn't think you meant showing me 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for the first time.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My apologies; I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It's one of my all-time favorites.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It was very entertaining, despite the glaring story problem.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Story problem? Oh, Amy! What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is the lovechild of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it thirty-six times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene which I can only watch when it's still light out, but. I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw; drop it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand; Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No, I do. And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died. Just like they did. Let me close that for you.\u000a[gently pushes his chin up to close his mouth]
p1472
aVSheldon Cooper:   Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Because her life wasn't enough?
p1473
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hello, Sheldon, is everything OK?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Why?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries, and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   April thirteenth. A dark night indeed.
p1474
aV[last lines]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Wait! Wait! If it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Like a hero!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper,Howard Wolowitz:   Yeah!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Although technically Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied; he couldn't even get that done.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper,Howard Wolowitz,Raj Koothrappali:   Aw.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Man.
p1475
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That's strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900's.\u000a[Amy stops smiling]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Amy stops the show] You're trying to get back at me for what I said about "Raiders of the Lost Ark".\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It's more like "Little House on the Preposterous".\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, we're in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, that's not how we're going to do it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin "Raiders" for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You feel better?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.
p1476
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hang on. You spend time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws that she hasn't noticed?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I gotta go.
p1477
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Solder Excursion Diversion (#9.19)"(2016)Amy Farrah Fowler:   Knock it off or I'll start making W H sounds for words that just have a W.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You wouldn't!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Whatch me.
p1478
aVSheldon Cooper:   Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm sorry, wha- what am I looking at?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Basically everything I've ever owned. Um, every book, every t-shirt, every piece of broken electronics, just... all of it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   All of it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.
p1479
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You have sporting equipment?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, oh, un, It's just, it's a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It's right next to the hockey puck dent.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OK, why do you have a bin of pinecones?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that when you tell your brother gets a golf ball thrown at your head.
p1480
aVSheldon Cooper:   What good is having a girlfriend if you can't unload your psychological sewage on her?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That's me, your emotional outhouse.
p1481
aV[first lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [on computer breaking up] I didn't understand your email.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Upuh, can you repeat that; you're breaking up\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I didn't understand your email.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, yo, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys stopped working.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [reading] Deah, Aby, could you plethe dwive be to the twain stowe sub time tobowwow.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is that a yes?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, why don't you get a new computer? You know that one's out of date.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, but I like this computer.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   The video is failing and the sound is cutting out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   D'you- I'm sorry, the sound is cutting out.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   The video is failing and the s... is cutting out.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, one more time; the sound is cutting out.\u000a[Amy writes "Video failing & sound cutting out" on a sheet of paper and holds it up to the camera]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't read that! The video is failing,\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Get a n... co... ter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Get a new c... ter.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What?\u000a[his cell phon/e rings and he answers it]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [on phone, yells] Get a new computer!
p1482
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Amy on the computer] You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I really had to go home for this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, but it's like you're right here in the room.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And yet I'm not...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I feel like I could reach out and touch you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And yet you can't.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know!
p1483
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (#1.15)"(2008)[Sheldon's hot twin sister, Missy, is in town for a wedding]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?\u000aMissy:   Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They were not "friends". They were imaginary colleagues.
p1484
aVPenny:   Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?\u000aSheldon:   I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.
p1485
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Is is because I'm Jewish? Because I would kill my rabbi with a pork chop to get Missy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with the fact that you're a tiny man who lives with his mother.
p1486
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Everyone knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in your latte?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is true, but consider the fact that you require medication to even talk to someone of the opposite sex.
p1487
aVSheldon Cooper:   If anyone is to get at Missy's Fallopian tubes, they have to get through me.
p1488
aVSheldon:   If you can eat this cheese without farting, you can sleep with my sister.
p1489
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her, by making me happy.
p1490
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded; I am officially no-go to space.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah, so?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia."?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, their technology isn't that bad.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free fall, from space, at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Right, well, whatever. I wasn't worried.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You weren't?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek; I live it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, please, I don't remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space, and brags about it in a tuxedo store.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Make all the jokes you want, but there's only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, much better!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You must be burning up\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing yet hygienic figure, don't I? I look like The Flash, about to get married. Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!\u000a[Runs outside]\u000aJimmy:   Uh, where is he going?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He keeps emergency Purell in the car.
p1491
aVSheldon Cooper:  [exiting change room] I'm going to need a larger shirt! This one's a little tight under the arms.\u000aJimmy:   Okay.\u000a[takes shirt]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Do you think maybe it's tight because you're wearing long underwear?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, of course that's why it's tight.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're kidding! Shouldn't the question be "Why *aren't* you?"\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, it should be "Why are you?"\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by *hundreds* of sweaty strangers. Yeah, I don't like my own sweat touching my skin; how do you think I feel about theirs?\u000aJimmy:   Why don't you slip this on?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Said the hangman, offering a noose.\u000a[returns to change room]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Well, that wasn't as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.
p1492
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can I ask you a question about women?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.
p1493
aV[last lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Amy is in a Star Trek tunic holding a medical tricorder near Sheldon] Hello, Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you doing?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.\u000a[winks]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm in hell, Leonard.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [to Amy] Don't stop.
p1494
aVSheldon Cooper:   I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Super Mario Bros. theme?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Fine! There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat.\u000a[Sheldon hums the background music, while Amy smiles]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   May I offer you something to drink?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know I don't drink.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Not even strawberry Quik?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Just like your mommy used to make.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often.
p1495
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Pirate Solution (#3.4)"(2009)Raj Koothrappali:   You want me to work with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   *For* me.
p1496
aVPenny:  [to Leonard] Hi, honey.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   So we're honey now?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult.\u000aPenny:   You're boring people, sweetie.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
p1497
aVRaj Koothrappali:   I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   *For* me.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yes, *for* you. I do however have a few conditions. First, at all times I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I reject them all.
p1498
aVSheldon Cooper:   I took another look at the board, and I realized you were right.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   So you were wrong.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm not saying that.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   That's the only logical inference.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm still not saying it.
p1499
aVSheldon Cooper:   Forgive me. You know I am not adept at reading facial cues, but I am going to take a stab here. You are either sad or nauseated.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm sad.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was going to say sad! I don't why I hedged.
p1500
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   We believe cows are gods.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be *like* god.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out - I swear to cow!
p1501
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Earworm Reverberation (#9.10)"(2015)[Opening lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sheldon Cooper's Descent into Madness, Day Two. It's 2:25 and I feel the need to urinate. My usual urination time is 7:30. Yet here I am, struggling to keep my mind sharp, and my pajamas dry. Soon I will lose my tenuous grasp on reality. I guess I should go pee while I still know what a toilet is.
p1502
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have an eidetic memory, I should be able to remember what this song is. Something must be wrong with me.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   See? I told you if we waited long enough he'd figure it out.
p1503
aVSheldon Cooper:   This is the beginning of my descent into madness. Soon I will test the limits of public nudity.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Public nudity?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't worry, it just means going barefoot.
p1504
aVSheldon Cooper:   This song won't get out of my head! Can you imagine anything so irritating?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   This is a trick question, right?
p1505
aVPenny Hofstadter:   Do you even like the Beach Boys?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   They have beach right in their name. What do you think?
p1506
aVSheldon Cooper:   I had a song stuck in my head, and then I realized the song was about you. And just like an earworm, I can't get you out of my heart. What I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.
p1507
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Positive Negative Reaction (#9.16)"(2016)Howard Wolowitz:   I'm, uh... uuh going to be a father.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Raj Koothrappali:   Congratulations.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why 'oh no'?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because this *changes* everything. What about comic-book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Relax; there's room for two babies in this group.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, dear Lor- Penny's pregnant too?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're the other baby.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, really? OK, well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I guess we'll call this a draw.
p1508
aV[last lines]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   That was such a fun night.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Me too. So, you ever think about it?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I think we'd make amazing parents.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Will you guys keep it down?\u000a[Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.\u000a[She picks up a magic marker]
p1509
aVSheldon Cooper:   Forget helium, the real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "don't tell momma" juice.
p1510
aVSheldon Cooper:   This place is terrific. Why- why have we never been here before?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff: you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.
p1511
aVSheldon Cooper:   You guys, the bathroom here is amazing! There's people cooking in it.
p1512
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Look at this.\u000a[takes the cocktail umbrella from his drink]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn't have to worry about money; he can have all the kids he wants\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And keep a small portion of their heads dry.
p1513
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Uh, Xbox One.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny!\u000aPenny:   Huh?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   PS4.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wolowitz!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   They're both great.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bernadette!\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   I like the Wii.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thanks, grandma.
p1514
aVSheldon Cooper:   First, there was PS1, then PS2, followed by PS3, and now PS4. Logical, right? But with the XBox, instead of XBox 2, they had XBox 360. And now there's XBox One... Why one? Probably the amount of time it took to come up with the name.
p1515
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   How can you possibly make a decision?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [shouting] Please pass the butter!
p1516
aVSheldon Cooper:   On the one hand, the XBox One has a camera. On the other hand, the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I can't feel my legs.
p1517
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh. How you're audition go?\u000aPenny:   I killed it. I was able to cry real tears on the spot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, that's great.\u000aPenny:   Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here comes the waterworks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Running away] Here comes the waterworks!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aren't you going to ask?\u000aPenny:   What? Is this my first day?
p1518
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right.\u000a[flips coin]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   So, what is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A quarter.\u000a[Tosses quarter away]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.
p1519
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.\u000aMary Cooper:  [lovingly] That is very Christian of you.
p1520
aVSheldon Cooper:   I love my mother... even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.
p1521
aVSheldon Cooper:   I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Nothing.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon. What's going on?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I saw my Mommy with a naked man and she's trying to be a Mommy again.
p1522
aVSheldon Cooper:   Mother.\u000a[Knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mother.\u000a[Knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mother.\u000a[Knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mother.\u000aMary Cooper:   Shelly. I'm so glad you're here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I saw you having naked sex.\u000aMary Cooper:   What are you talking about?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.\u000aMary Cooper:   Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?\u000aMary Cooper:   That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.
p1523
aVSheldon Cooper:   How long have you been a demented sex pervert?\u000aMary Cooper:   That is no way to speak to your mother.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Perhaps not. But is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me my whole life and then desecrated one of Ethan Allan's finest.\u000aMary Cooper:   I will give you one opportunity young man to apologize to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or what?\u000aMary Cooper:   Or I will send you to your room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That is ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and currently occupy the moral high ground\u000aMary Cooper:   Go to your room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I occupy the moral high ground.\u000aMary Cooper:   Go to your room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But I am a professional scientist.\u000aMary Cooper:   Go to your room.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm a grown man.
p1524
aVSheldon Cooper:   I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been expounding your whole life?\u000aMary Cooper:   You're right, it does. And it is something I have been struggling with these days.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then why are you doing it?\u000aMary Cooper:   Because I'm not perfect, Shelly, and that man's booty is.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness so I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.\u000aMary Cooper:   That is very Christian of you.
p1525
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Peanut Reaction (#1.16)"(2008)Sheldon Cooper:   We might as well stop. It's a stalemate. You're beating me in "Tetris," but you have the upper strength of a Keebler elf.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Keebler elf? I've got your Keebler elf right here!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [grunts; tries to pull harder, with both hands, but Sheldon doesn't budge] Okay, it's a stalemate.
p1526
aVPenny:   Okay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me, God, I will go into your bedroom, and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books and, on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny little happy face in ink.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You can't do that! If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.\u000aPenny:   Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, of course I... Oh... Hey, I have an idea: let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party!
p1527
aV[Penny is trying to convince Sheldon to buy Leonard a gift]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Just do it.\u000aPenny:   It's - it's a non-optional social convention.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah, fair enough.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   He came with a manual.
p1528
aVLeonard:   How did you know my birthday's Saturday?\u000aPenny:   I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.\u000aPenny:   Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.
p1529
aVLeonard:   I don't celebrate my birthday\u000aPenny:   Shut up. Yeah, you do.\u000aLeonard:   It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.\u000aPenny:   That's so silly.\u000aSheldon:   It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.\u000aPenny:   Well, what was it called? "l Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?\u000aSheldon:   It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
p1530
aVSheldon Cooper:   The entire institution of gift giving make no sense. Let's say that I go out, and I spend 50 dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, where as you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly, and you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 dollars richer. And I ask, is it worth it?
p1531
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency (#3.8)"(2009)[Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking]\u000aPenny:   Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay.\u000aPenny:   Is that my arm?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It doesn't feel like an arm.\u000aPenny:   Then maybe you should let it go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [pause] All righty.
p1532
aVSheldon Cooper:   We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."\u000aPenny:   I dislocated my shoulder.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. And how did the accident occur?\u000aPenny:   You already know that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Kidney disease?\u000aPenny:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Migraines?\u000aPenny:   Getting one.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you currently pregnant?\u000aPenny:   No!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.\u000aPenny:   Change migraine to "yes."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   When was your last menstrual period?\u000aPenny:  [in a disgusted tone] Oh, next question.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.\u000aPenny:   Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.\u000aPenny:   Ass!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.
p1533
aVSheldon Cooper:  [over the phone] And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [pauses and listens for a second] Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!
p1534
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?\u000aPenny:   It's right there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Where is the passenger-side mirror?\u000aPenny:   In a parking lot in Hollywood.
p1535
aVSheldon Cooper:   While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?\u000aPenny:   It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.\u000aPenny:   How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
p1536
aVPenny:   Sing Soft Kitty to me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.\u000aPenny:   Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
p1537
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Prestidigitation Approximation (#4.18)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   Apparently you can't hack into a government super computer and the try to buy uranium without the department of homeland security tattling to your mother.
p1538
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Scoffing at Penny] Not knowing is part of the fun! What is that the motto of your community college?
p1539
aVSheldon:   This deck is rigged in some fashion\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that\u000aSheldon:   So you're saying this is a regulation deck?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!
p1540
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What's up with the infrared cameras?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which ones have been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.
p1541
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you're just an engineer, but that doesn't mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else's Nobel prize acceptance speech.
p1542
aVPenny:   I think I know how you did the card trick.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.\u000aPenny:   Come here.\u000a[Penny whispers in Howard's ear]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You're right.\u000aPenny:  [seeing Sheldon's indignation] Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.
p1543
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Graduation Transmission (#8.22)"(2015)[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's like the best one they make. I just can't get it to work.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'll figure it out.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   it streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Nice. Where were you when I was single?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?\u000aPenny:   Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed.
p1544
aVSheldon Cooper:   Aren't you afraid of being blinded?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   How would I be blinded?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'll take my chances.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.
p1545
aVSheldon Cooper:   Won't that void the warranty?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sheldon, I have a masters degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare; that pays for itself in the long run.
p1546
aVSheldon Cooper:   So, can you get it working?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I've built components for the space station.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It worked fine. It just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
p1547
aVHoward Wolowitz:   What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is awful, isn't it? Listen to that noise.
p1548
aV[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So you really think they liked it?\u000aPenny:   Oh,sweetie, it was the best speech ev-\u000a[they duck and scream as the drone flies out of Sheldon's apartment]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't worry, everyone in here is safe.
p1549
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Colonization Application (#8.17)"(2015)Leonard Hofstadter:   Why a turtle?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.
p1550
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.
p1551
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Getting a joint pet is a big step in our relationship.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's true. It means we love each other so much we have enough left over for an eight ounce reptile.
p1552
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Let's pick a turtle. How about that one, on the log?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know. He looks like a jerk. How about this one?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That one? He's hardly moving, he looks half dead.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. I like him too.
p1553
aVSheldon Cooper:   I can't believe you almost let me bring a wild animal into my house.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No one told you to stick your finger in the turtle's face.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was playing got your nose. That's how you get kids to like you.
p1554
aVSheldon Cooper:   During the seven month trip to Mars, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor. Leonard, could you check to see if there is still peanut brittle in that can?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You mean this suspicious looking can over here?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. Open it and check.\u000a[Leonard opens can]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't get it. There actually is peanut brittle in here.\u000a[Sheldon throws a pie in Leonard's face]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Please go to Mars.
p1555
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   Amy? Amy? Amy? I'll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship - so just sign this with your finger and please don't cry on my iPad because I don't get Apple Care.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm not surprised you want to end the relationship. I'm just a little surprised you didn't get Apple Care. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At the bottom. I must say I'm relieved you're not making more of a scene out of this.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, I've already moved on. Besides the breakup has nothing to do with me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What. It doesn't?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   OF course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He's manipulating you like he always does.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait. Wait. Now hang on. You think he's manipulating me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   All the time. And he knew that as your girlfriend, I wasn't gonna to stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean a table? Come on.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is hideous.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, thankfully, I won't have to see it 'cause I won't be your girlfriend anymore.\u000a[Signs]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Amy Farah Fowler. Why yes, I would like to take a survey.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Of course I was.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, wait. I do I know you're not manipulating me right now?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I would think that if I'm manipulating you, you'd be smart enough to see it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   How do I know you're not saying that as part of the manipulation?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I think you're smart enough to see that too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay. I'm sorry i gave you such a hard time. I just had to be sure.\u000a[Amy turns away and smiles]
p1556
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change is bad and this change was good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You don't need to explain yourself to him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't need to explain myself to you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You're sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Keep the table. We don't use that space.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Damn it, I got cocky.
p1557
aVSheldon Cooper:   Think of me as Arthur Dent In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a made up story, Leonard. I don't even know why you're talking about it.
p1558
aVPenny:   Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Ahh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You'll get 'em next time.\u000aPenny:   How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sorry. How did it go?\u000aPenny:   Shut up.
p1559
aVSheldon Cooper:   OK. I think we found the problem here. It's not the table at all. It's you.\u000aPenny:   Me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well. It's always me. Take one for the team.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.\u000aPenny:   Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   "Fancy" sounds like a compliment.\u000aPenny:   OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's not true.\u000aPenny:   Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you're holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   She told you?\u000aPenny:   Of courses she told me. It's the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that's put in a pot of water that's heated so gradually he doesn't realize he's boiling to death.\u000aPenny:   Or you're the frog that's been kiss by the princess and turned into a prince.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Or you're just a tall annoying frog.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.\u000aPenny:   Oh, Sheldon. Wait.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, we should call her.\u000aPenny:   Yeah. Amy. It's Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon's breaking up with you.
p1560
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Huh?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Nary an argument"? "Nary"?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.
p1561
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)"(2010)Penny:   Hey Look, it's Shamy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Shamy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that.\u000aPenny:  [laughing nervously] All righty. What's new?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that.\u000aPenny:   I got that. What I was going for was, you know, how is your life?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Just like everyone else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
p1562
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Uganda.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Defend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Correct. My turn.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play the "Maple Leaf Rag"?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Tuned bayonets.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Defend.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Isn't it obvious?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're right. My apologies.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What the hell are you guys playing?
p1563
aVSheldon Cooper:   In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Uh... a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I can figure this out, let's see. Um... well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?
p1564
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Clowder.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Okay, yeah, fine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.
p1565
aVMary Cooper:   Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing here?\u000aMary Cooper:   Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, that's preposterous. I'm not pining over anyone.\u000aMary Cooper:   Oh, lamb chop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.
p1566
aVMary Cooper:   Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. But you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk it means you want me to listen.\u000aMary Cooper:   Then stop talking.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes ma'am.
p1567
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)"(2014)[Opening lines]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   How are your parents doing, Raj?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.\u000aPenny:   You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.
p1568
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You're going.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why do you hate me?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't hate you, I love you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.
p1569
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:  [Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
p1570
aVBernadette Rostenkowski:   I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hm. Let's see. What do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature. Chaucer's her favorite. Her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Wow. You really do love her.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
p1571
aVSanta:   Let me see if I got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way of punishing your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Correct.\u000aSanta:   Santa thinks dating you is punishment enough.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's an argument for that, but I want to make sure.
p1572
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Revenge is a dish best served nude.
p1573
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
p1574
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Just say it.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You're the bigger man, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
p1575
aVHoward Wolowitz:  [arguing with Sheldon] Are you even listening to yourself?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.
p1576
aVHoward Wolowitz:   Hi, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [seeing Howard naked on the couch] AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Howard, what are you doing?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Get off there.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Give me back my Iron Man helmet.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Give me back my parking space.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:  [to Leonard] I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
p1577
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The 43 Peculiarity (#6.8)"(2012)[Howard and Raj watch the video of Sheldon in the room]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Wormhole generator test?\u000a[Wormhole appears]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The first forty-three parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different.\u000a[Puts his head in the wormhole; when he takes it out he has an alien creature attached to his face]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, my God!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Holy crap!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh! It's eating my face!\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   It's eating his face!\u000a[Sheldon sneaks in from behind them and throw the fake alien creature onto their laptop; Howard and Raj freak out]
p1578
aVHoward Wolowitz:   We're going to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, thanks.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   When they turn off the lights, it's like a little laser show that poops all over the place.
p1579
aVSheldon Cooper:   You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating through certain aspects of daily life: understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I'd want to. It's exhausting! Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   But what do you do in there?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What does 43 mean?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You don't need to know. You don't deserve to know. And you will never know.\u000a[Leaves]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah? Well, I know how to make your egg salad now!
p1580
aV[Opening lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What are you drawing over there?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, you silly doodlebug.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.\u000a[Hands napkin to Howard]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You expect me to build this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?
p1581
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'll be right back.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're still here? I thought you were long gone.
p1582
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Higgs Boson Observation (#6.3)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:  [about his toilet training journal] There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.\u000aPenny:   Disgusting!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.
p1583
aVPenny:   Maybe I can do it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, really? You think you can evaluate my work?\u000aPenny:   Uh-huh.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Here. I wrote this when I was five.\u000aPenny:   "A Proof That Algebraic Topology Can Never Have a Non-Self Contradictory Set of Albelion Groups." I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You said it, not me.
p1584
aVSheldon Cooper:   Save all chatting for your break, and FYI, there will be no breaks.
p1585
aVRaj Koothrappali:   So, did Alex say anything about me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. I believe her exact words were "What is that guy's problem?"\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I'm in her head. Let the dance begin.
p1586
aVAlex Jensen:  [meeting Penny] She seems nice.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Notice people on your own time. We're working.
p1587
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   My socks are on, let's knock 'em off.
p1588
aVAlex Jensen:   Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, no, no. That's not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend.\u000aAlex Jensen:   You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I guess those chaps'll have to have someone else buy their girlfriends' presents. Now, here is, let's see, this is... this is about two thousand dollars. Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color grey.\u000a[Alex leaves]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
p1589
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What is that?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, that's what you'd love, isn't it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   More than anything.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, then, that's what we're going to do.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   'm your girlfriend. That's my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What's this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Read it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   At the bottom.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   In case of emergency, please contact... Amy Farrah Fowler. And there's my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And you picked me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's like you said, you're my girlfriend.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, Sheldon.\u000a[Hugs him]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
p1590
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, you got that, didja?
p1591
aVAlex Jensen:   Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this\u000a[pulls out harp-shaped music box]\u000aAlex Jensen:   beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now, Amy already has a real harp, and it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?\u000aAlex Jensen:   Well, I just thought it would be...\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [sounding like a game-show buzzer] Nexxxt!\u000aAlex Jensen:   OK, um, I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales,\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mmmm.\u000aAlex Jensen:   so I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   But she's got Google Maps on her phone.\u000aAlex Jensen:   I don't know how to respond to that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two - Bleah...\u000aAlex Jensen:   OK. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramón y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells, and I managed to find this signed print.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.\u000aAlex Jensen:   Thank you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think I'll keep it for myself.\u000aAlex Jensen:   What about your girlfriend?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's too late, I called dibs.
p1592
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Expedition Approximation (#8.6)"(2014)Penny:   You guys are gonna work in a mine?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why not?\u000aPenny:   You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Perhaps the emotion you were refering to was shock at you having something cleaned.
p1593
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's an exciting time in the field.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Why, what's happening?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I just entered it.
p1594
aVSheldon Cooper:   Are they making fun of us?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yup.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I miss the old days when I couldn't tell.
p1595
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Okay, how about a little Miley Cyrus next?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Who's he?
p1596
aVRaj Koothrappali:   You know what I think about when I'm scared? Voyager.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Voyager the space probe or Voyager the TV show?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   The space probe.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good, because I'm too hot to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.
p1597
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Convention Conundrum (#7.14)"(2014)James Earl Jones:  [looks up from his menu to see Sheldon standing there] Let me guess: you like Star Wars.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [nods]\u000aJames Earl Jones:   You know I've been in other movies.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [nods again]\u000aJames Earl Jones:   But you don't care about those, do you?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [shakes his head]\u000aJames Earl Jones:  [motions Sheldon closer] I have one thing to say to people like you: I like Star Wars too! Care to join me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you! My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you'd think I was a creepy stalker.\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is!
p1598
aVSheldon Cooper:  [on top of the Santa Monica Ferris wheel] Hey, Los Angeles! I'm on a Ferris wheel with Darth Vader! And he's nicer than you'd think!\u000aJames Earl Jones:   I am!
p1599
aVSheldon Cooper:  [sneaking up to a house] I don't understand what we're doing.\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Shhhh!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whose house is this?\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.\u000a[he rings the doorbell, and they run for it]\u000aCarrie Fisher:  [storms out with a baseball bat] It's not funny anymore, James!\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Then why am I laughing?
p1600
aVJames Earl Jones:  [in a steam room] What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. "How much does it cost to get them off my lap?"\u000aJames Earl Jones:   No, something about a convention.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, right! Well, my friends and I couldn't get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Why don't you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really?\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I'm taking you every night!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ay-yi-yi.\u000aJames Earl Jones:   Ay-yi-yi-bang-bang!
p1601
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [trying to buy tickets to Comic-Con] I did it! I did it! I'm in the queue!\u000a[Sheldon, Raj, and Howard all cheer]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And they say firefighters are the real heroes.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Uh... what number in line are you?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Fifty...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Great!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   ...thousand two hundred and eleven.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Damn!
p1602
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Prom Equivalency (#8.8)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   You think you got it bad, consider the gibbon. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family who isn't classified as a great ape. All the non-human members of the ape family are great apes except him, so taxologists made up the classification of lesser ape just to single him out as the weird kid in the playground.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   A gibbon doesn't care how he's classified. He doesn't even know he's called a gibbon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's true.\u000a[to Howard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sorry, kid. You've got it worse than a gibbon.
p1603
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say. But before I do, just... I want you to know you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I love you too.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You said it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.\u000a[Amy starts hyperventilating]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know what that is. You're having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down on your back.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Thank you.\u000a[runs over to Sheldon's bed]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because I love you doesn't mean that girls are allowed in my room.
p1604
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [Tying Sheldon's bow tie] One of these days you have to learn to do this yourself. There are some clip-ons you could try.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Bruce Wayne doesn't use a clip-on.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Bruce Wayne doesn't have his roommate tie his bowties for him.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   His name is Alfred, and yes he does.
p1605
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, are you all right?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not really. I seem to be having a panic attack, according to this chatgroup I found. SoccerMom09 had the same symptoms. Although to be fair, the twins were being terrible that day.
p1606
aVSheldon:   There's no denying that I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.
p1607
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:  [knock-knock-knock] Good buddy Leonard.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good buddy Leonard.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good buddy Leonard.
p1608
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   So, what's your plan moving forward?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Like a dog boy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Exactly.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Great! Here I am!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wait. Here who is where?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rave inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Um.
p1609
aV[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long; these are great. Just started number six.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one.\u000a[Leonard stares at him, dumbfounded]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, I know; I didn't see it coming either.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why would you say that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You brought up the subject; I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. 'Kay, your turn.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That was a huge spoiler.\u000a[throws the book aside]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Good.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is wrong with you? If I did that you'd bitch about it for weeks.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really, Leonard, are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hissy fit? *I* have hissy fits?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You are unbelievable! I don't know why I put up with you. You know, you're controlling, you're irritating...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There you go again! Nag, nag, nag! You're only proving my point, little lady.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know what? Screw you, Sheldon! You are the most annoying person I ever met.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wha- I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. "Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts cause you think they're ugly." You're impossible.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That's it. I don't. I don't have to put up with this.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Aaaw, here's what I think of your roommate agreement!\u000a[he throws it in the waste-paper basket]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon gasps] You pick that up right now.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You- Roommate agreement, section twenty-seven, paragraph five: "The roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because... I don't think I want to live here any more.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Where are you going?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   To live with Penny, and not you, you crazy bastard.
p1610
aVSheldon Cooper:   You can't live here.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's not the message.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You did.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's Penny's fault.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.
p1611
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You're a coward!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, the evidence does seem to support that.
p1612
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Grasshopper Experiment (#1.8)"(2007)Leonard:   Okay, now do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America membership card?\u000aSheldon:   It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.\u000aLeonard:   Why?\u000aSheldon:   It says, "Keep this on your person at all times". It's right here under Batman's signature.
p1613
aVPenny:   Sheldon, what are you going to have?\u000aSheldon:   I'll have a Diet Coke.\u000aPenny:   Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.\u000aSheldon:   Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.\u000aPenny:   That's, um, Rum and Coke without the Rum.\u000aSheldon:   Yes.\u000aPenny:   So, Coke.\u000aSheldon:   Yes... And would you make it Diet?\u000aPenny:   There's a can in the fridge.\u000aSheldon:   A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.\u000aPenny:   Then swim to Cuba.\u000aSheldon:   Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
p1614
aVSheldon:  [on the phone] This is Doctor Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium... Well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet... Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs... Well I'll miss you too. Bye bye.
p1615
aVHoward Wolowitz:   I bet they love "Scrubs".\u000aSheldon:   What's there not to love.
p1616
aVPenny:   I need some guinea pigs.\u000aSheldon:   O-kay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead; their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.\u000aPenny:   I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.\u000aLeonard:   His mom's been saying that for years.
p1617
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   If you're going to replace Wolowitz I need to know a little more about you.\u000aStuart:   Alright.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?\u000aStuart:   I went to art school.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Equally ridiculous, let's go.
p1618
aVSheldon Cooper:   There's something I need to tell you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   'Kay.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't tell you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I wish there were more.
p1619
aVPenny:   What are you doing in my bedroom?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.\u000aPenny:   How did you even get in, you weirdo?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it it's weird?
p1620
aVSheldon Cooper:   Penny.\u000aPenny:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Please don't hurt my friend.\u000aPenny:   That is the last thing I want to do.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.
p1621
aVSheldon Cooper:  [at Leonard's bedroom door]\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard!\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard!\u000a[knock, knock, knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you sleeping?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.
p1622
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Space Probe Disintegration (#8.12)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   I have excellent peripheral vision... On a good day I can see my ears.
p1623
aVSheldon Cooper:   We could go ice skating. The cold aggravates Leonard's allergies, and it plays on my fear of being run over by a zamboni.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're helping them find ways of making us miserable?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I can't help it, Leonard. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I can't go ice skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.\u000aPenny:   Is there any part of you that's normal?\u000a[Amy gives Penny a mischievous smile]
p1624
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Interesting. You accuse us of making you do things you don't like, but here you are doing the same thing to poor Amy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You should point out the hypocrisy of that.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I was.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then you should have made it clearer. Maybe throw in a "How do you like them apples, Missy?"
p1625
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [sitting on the department store while the girls shop] This isn't so bad.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Easy for you to say. You're not facing the lingerie section. So many panties!
p1626
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Bad news. There's no signal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up.\u000a[Pulls out phone before realizing]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Son of a biscuit!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just let it go.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What king of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!
p1627
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Mystery Date Observation (#9.8)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Excuse me, no one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.
p1628
aVSheldon Cooper:   That's a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. But you eat it; you're married; it doesn't matter what you look like.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Don't take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.
p1629
aVRaj Koothrappali:   How could you send her away?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. I wouldn't coitus her with *your* genitals.
p1630
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Maybe you don't want someone exactly like you. You know what they say: opposites attract.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   By that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy. Not to cast aspersions, but I can't shake a stick around here without hitting that.
p1631
aVSheldon Cooper:   I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavorless lump of sadness.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You're not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I- I was always a Hubba Bubba man.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hubba Bubba over Double Bubble? You're crazy.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Hey, the jaw wants what it wants!
p1632
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Capacitance (#2.15)"(2009)[Leonard's mother Beverly, a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst, is visiting]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful - and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You were lucky! When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my *own* electrodes.
p1633
aVSheldon Cooper:   I feel very comfortable around you.\u000aBeverly:   I feel very comfortable around you, too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around - well, anyone.\u000aBeverly:   Nor I.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?\u000aBeverly:   Is that a rhetorical point, or would you like to do the math?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'd like to do the math.\u000aBeverly:   I'd like that, too.
p1634
aVSheldon Cooper:   So what do you think?\u000aBeverly:   I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Normally, I'd feel the same way, but based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.\u000aBeverly:   True. I've had a similar observation. Certainly something I could never do with my husband.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.\u000aBeverly:   I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuro-scientific researcher in me.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You see right through me, don't you?\u000aBeverly:   Only when you're in a cat scanner.\u000a[both laugh, Beverly snorts]\u000aBeverly:  [later]\u000a[Sheldon and Beverly are dual singing "Any Way You Want It" on Rock Band 2]
p1635
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [Imitating Jar-jar] Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [imitating JarJar Binks] Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?\u000a[Raj and Howard laugh]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [Leonard's mother comes back] That was fast.\u000aBeverly:   Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.\u000aBeverly:   So where were we?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to his mother] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!\u000aBeverly:   Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   It's just temporary, I pay rent.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.\u000aBeverly:   You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Say what?\u000a[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That's basically what I just said!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [to Raj] You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.\u000a[imitating JarJar Binks]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.
p1636
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can I make you a cup of tea?\u000aBeverly:   I doubt it! But if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.
p1637
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bachelor Party Corrosion (#9.3)"(2015)Howard Wolowitz:   I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And talked about physics with them!
p1638
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's bad enough I'm being taken against my will. I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.
p1639
aVHoward Wolowitz:   There's something about this van I think you'll find interesting.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Does it run on syphilis?
p1640
aVSheldon Cooper:   Are you really going to let them take you in a van to an undisclosed location?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, you're coming too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh? And how are you going to get me into that van?\u000a[Cut to Sheldon tied and blindfolded as he's carried into the van by Leonard and Howard]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Put me down! This is ridiculous!\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I told you we should have put a gag in his mouth.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   And I told you he bit me!
p1641
aVSheldon Cooper:   Are you all up on your yellow fever inoculations?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You don't need yellow fever shots to go to Mexico.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You can never be too careful. I had mine last year before going to EPCOT.
p1642
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)"(2014)Raj Koothrappali:   Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I brought my own. No sense risking bridge-of-nose herpes.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Is that a thing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Until they make a nose condom, I'm not going to find out.
p1643
aVPenny:   There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   It only gets funnier when you explain it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know.
p1644
aVSheldon Cooper:   I know let's go see the new Spiderman movie.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.
p1645
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry. I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You don't have to make me anything.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Sorry, I left them in my turban.
p1646
aVSheldon Cooper:   Well, good night.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Don't send me home. I can't be alone right now.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's your problem. You can't be alone.
p1647
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)"(2012)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next fifty-two weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hang on, Doctor C, what's vexillology?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Vexillology is the study of flags.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Cool! I think I just learned something.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you have fun doing it?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'll say!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast. Not unlike the only two-sided state flag. Oregon.\u000a[holds up flag]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, look.\u000a[turns flag around]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello, Mister Beaver. In future episodes we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sweet!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Why are you waving a white flag?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm surrendering... to fun!
p1648
aVSheldon Cooper:   Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.
p1649
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   You OK?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here.
p1650
aVSheldon Cooper:   Here's an interesting fact about flags.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I will take that action.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.
p1651
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.
p1652
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Troll Manifestation (#8.14)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job.\u000a[Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You're giving me a sticker?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm not a kindergardner.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right, I'll take it back.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, I earned this, back off!
p1653
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You worked out all the math?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I did more than work out the math. I wrote a paper.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You wrote a paper on my idea?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I wrote a paper on our idea.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Since when is it our idea?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Since I added some Sheldony goodness and baked it in the E-Z Bake Oven of my mind.
p1654
aVSheldon Cooper:   Can I respond now?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Do it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm going to show this man just how horny I can be.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [Takes away phone] Okay, someone else do it.
p1655
aVRaj Koothrappali:   I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Really? I never noticed that about you.
p1656
aVStephen Hawking:   Hello there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mr. Hawking?\u000aStephen Hawking:   Oh, brother. You should see the looks on your faces.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You really didn't like our paper?\u000aStephen Hawking:   I liked your paper. The premise is intriguing.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Then why did you write those comments?\u000aStephen Hawking:   When you're stuck on a chair for forty years, you'd get bored too.
p1657
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Leftover Thermalization (#8.18)"(2015)Bernadette Rostenkowski:  [Sheldon and Leonard are arguing during dinner] Hey! Sheldon, Leonard, living room right now!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Sheldon and Leonard follow her] She said my name first, that must kill you.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:  [yelling from off screen, sounding eerily familiar to everyone] I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband! We're eating the last food his mother ever made and you are gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you! Look at me when I'm talking to you! And don't think...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:  [Bernadette keeps yelling] Do you guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't hear it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   No, not at all.\u000aStuart Bloom:   Nah.\u000aPenny:   Not really.
p1658
aVSheldon Cooper:   All he had was an idea.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Well, that's an important part.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse Sea World where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called marge. Snow White as retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won't Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Leonard's idea was good.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. Then Grumpy. Why is he so grumpy all the time? Maybe his girlfriend won't take his side.
p1659
aVSheldon Cooper:   I have mixed feelings about interviews. I like the parts when I talk. I don't like the parts when the other guy talks.
p1660
aVSheldon Cooper:   Was it my fault that I have a bigger reputation than he does?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It's not your fault.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is it my fault that my name comes first alphabetically on the title?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Not at all.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is it my fault that when they identified me as lead scientist I didn't correct them?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Hey, look at that pretty bird!
p1661
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Giving Leonard a shoulder massage] You relax all of your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and your anal sphincter. Let's keep those tight.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [about the massage] Sheldon, that won't be necessary.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course it is. They control urine and faeces.
p1662
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)"(2013)[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   We're sorry, Rajesh.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Maybe we can do it next week.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Great.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thank you.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Hallelujah.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Because I've got something better planned!\u000aHoward Wolowitz,Leonard Hofstadter,Amy Farrah Fowler:   Aaw.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Come on.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We did them at Princeton too.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.\u000a[laughs]\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I guess that story's more sad than funny.
p1663
aVRaj Koothrappali:   OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Should we just do couples?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.\u000aPenny:   Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I just said couples sound great.\u000aPenny:   Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.\u000a[Amy nods at her]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   So, let's do couples. I want to.\u000aPenny:   No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Stop that. Penny is not a liability.\u000aPenny:   Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
p1664
aVPenny:  [after Sheldon explains how he came to the solution of the riddle] Wow. I can drink a beer under water.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And I'm sure your parents are proud.
p1665
aVSheldon Cooper:   Okay. Another thirty feet...\u000aPenny:   Oh, it's a bowling alley!\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [picks up his bowling ball] Yes! Yes! My brain is better than everybody's!
p1666
aVSheldon Cooper:   Hey, look. I won.
p1667
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)"(2012)Sheldon Cooper:   Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
p1668
aVHoward Wolowitz:   We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.\u000aPenny:   That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Great. Well, who's it gonna be?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What do you see in her?
p1669
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.\u000aMrs. Wolowitz:   LOUDER!\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.\u000aPenny:   Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hmm.\u000aPenny:   Problem?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.\u000aPenny:   Oh, grow up.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I didn't say it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   That's enough from the both of you.\u000aPenny:   Well, he started it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.\u000a[Klingon]\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   I believe you two have prepared vows.\u000aBernadette Rostenkowski:   Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.\u000aMrs. Wolowitz:   SPEAK UP!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.\u000aRaj Koothrappali,Penny,Leonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper,Amy Farrah Fowler:   By the power vested in us by the state of California...\u000a[Sheldon only]\u000aRaj Koothrappali,Penny,Leonard Hofstadter,Sheldon Cooper,Amy Farrah Fowler:   and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.
p1670
aVSheldon Cooper:   Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy has been Tetris and mail-order brides.
p1671
aVSheldon Cooper:   Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn't sound like something I'll enjoy.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   C'mon, Sheldon, it'll be fun.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's what you said about the Green Lantern movie. You were a hundred and fourteen minutes of wrong.
p1672
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Valentino Submergence (#9.15)"(2016)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Gentlemen.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter,Raj Koothrappali,Howard Wolowitz:  [muttter] Hello.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If any of you are looking for something to to on Valentine's Day, Amy and I'll be streaming our first ever *live* episode of Fun with Flags. You're welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time no.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Sorry. Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not a clue. Raj?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Spending Valentine's Day with Emily.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Don't sound very excited about it.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Oh, I am, I am. I gue- I guess I'm still wondering if Emily and I are right for each other.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Does this have to do with that girl you had coffee with?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You mean the strong, sexy angel I can't stop thinking about? Who can say?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You've been talking about breaking up with Emily forever; why don't you just do it already?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Just get it over with.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   You say it like it's easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone?\u000a[long pause]\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   No.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not really.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident; I just got in and went somewhere.
p1673
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Since we're live, you'll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Um uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   And no, I just blink a lot; it's not Morse code for rescue me.
p1674
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Interesting. And when would you use the singular?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose.\u000a[she rubs her nose]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No no no no. Other side.\u000a[she rubs the other side]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There you go.
p1675
aVSheldon Cooper:  [about his live 'Fun with Flags' show] I hope people will be around to watch even though it's Valentine's day.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   People who are fans of an internet show about flags, trust me they're around.
p1676
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Anxiety Optimization (#8.13)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sure.\u000a[Sheldon puts on headphones]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, can you hear me?\u000a[Sheldon doesn't react]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter on the water pitcher in two years.\u000aPenny:   Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Your George Lucas authograph is really a me authograph.\u000aPenny:   One day I was too lazy to go back to my apartment so I used your toothbrush.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   One time when you weren't home Amy took off her...\u000a[Sheldon takes off headphones]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And that's why you're the best roommate ever.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Aw. Now I feel sorry I didn't hear that.
p1677
aVSheldon Cooper:   You sounded like you were in distress. Like you were being murdered, or having spontaneous coitus with Leonard.
p1678
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster.
p1679
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   What the hell is that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To keep my anxiety levels up, I'm playing Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep my in that sweet spot. I tried adding Taylor Swift to the mix, but it turns out I love her.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Can't you just put on some headphones or something?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Okay, geez! Taylor's right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
p1680
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)"(2012)Raj Koothrappali:   Isn't this romantic?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I hope that's a rhetorical question, because I don't know.
p1681
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Did I ever tell you that you look like a sexy praying mantis?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, every time you drink alcohol.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   The fascinating thing about praying mantis, they eat their mate.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Undoes the top button of her blouse] Dessert is served.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I just had cobbler.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [Buttons back up] That's it. I'm done. I'm leaving.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Amy, don't go. I need you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   You do?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Of course. You're my ride.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, either you say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are through.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very well. Amy, when I look at your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, that was beautiful.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I should hope so. It's from the first Spider-Man movie.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'll take it.
p1682
aVStuart:   So, Howard's really in space?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yup, in the International Space Station. 2700 miles that way.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Right now he might be looking down on us like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I must admit I do feel a tinge of envy. Howard is looking out at the majesty of the universe passing before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. Like a cat in an airport carrying case.
p1683
aVSheldon Cooper:   Whatever it is, his life will never be the same.\u000a[Cut to International Space Station]\u000aMrs. Wolowitz:  [shouting through the phone] Howard! Can you hear me?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I can hear you without the telephone!
p1684
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Formulation (#4.16)"(2011)Priya Koothrappali:   So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.\u000aPenny:   Oh, yeah, yes, real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat-food commercial. It turned out to be porn.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did you get the part?\u000aPenny:   I didn't do the audition!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?
p1685
aVSheldon Cooper:   Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Tea does sound nice.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.
p1686
aVPriya Koothrappali:   Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don't get to tell me who I can or can't have a relationship with.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, he can. The Hindu code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble, given that the prize is Leonard.
p1687
aVSheldon Cooper:   Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, "do the dance with no pants."
p1688
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Meemaw Materialization (#9.14)"(2016)Meemaw:   If you feel so strongly, I won't stand in your way.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?\u000aMeemaw:   I suppose\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Amy pats Sheldon's shoulder and smiles at him] I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets!
p1689
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Here's a fun postal fact. Yeh. The inside of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So if you broke my right thumb, that's Pasadena City Police, but if you broke my left thumb, that's the FBI.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   If I'm going to jail, I'm killing him, not breaking his thumb.
p1690
aVPenny Hofstadter:   You know, the last time I got a hand-written letter was from someone who told me I park like a blind person.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That someone has a name.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Thank you.
p1691
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Look at you, sitting in Sheldon's spot. You know I don't even get to sit there.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. And you never will.
p1692
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)"(2012)Raj Koothrappali:   For the photo booth, we could go with a creepy theme, or we could also get the TARDIS from Dr. Who.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   The TARDIS is a time machine from a sci-fi show, it has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don't get a TARDIS, then you stink and your party stinks.
p1693
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   We compromised. I lost.
p1694
aVSheldon Cooper:   Raggedy Ann and Andy stand for three things I don't care for: clowns, children and raggediness.
p1695
aVSheldon Cooper:   It's fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Not really.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, well.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
p1696
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Irish Pub Formulation (#4.6)"(2010)[last lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Can I have a snow cone?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sure.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   This is pretty good. What flavor is this?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Guess.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Papaya?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Guava?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're so close.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I give up.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mango caterpillar.\u000a[Leonard does a spit take and throws the snow cone in the garbage]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What are you doing!\u000a[Leonard storms out]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You said you liked it.
p1697
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Describing the fake alibi he has invented for Leonard] You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and heart full of dreams.\u000a[Hands Leonard a bar napkin]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [Reading handwriting on napkin] "Leonard, call me if you're interested in *coitus.* Sincerely, Maggie Mcgarry."\u000aSheldon Cooper:   And if anyone were to actually call that number, they will hear this.\u000a[plays recording]\u000aFemale text-to-speech electronic voice:   Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGarry. Leave a message at the wee little beep.
p1698
aVSheldon Cooper:   The fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
p1699
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't listen to him. He's still light-headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What were you doing with Priya?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [throwing it out there like it's no big deal] I believe they engaged in coitus.
p1700
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   I must say, Leonard, ever since you've been having regular intercouse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Excuse me, but Einstein had a very busy sex life.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.
p1701
aVRaj Koothrappali:  [Considering taking anti-anxiety medicine] As a scientist, thinking is my bread and butter. I'm afraid if I take these I might lose that unique, special something that has made me so successful in my field.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Rajesh, I've had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My advice to you is that you gobble these up like Tic-Tacs.
p1702
aVSheldon Cooper:   I don't know what color lonely is.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous, and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   All right. Come in. You positively orange with loneliness.\u000a[Raj enters the apartment]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   No, I don't see that catching on at all.
p1703
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You're a good friend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm glad you think so. That's what I strive to emulate.
p1704
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)"(2014)Sheldon Cooper:   Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you're knitting a pair of pants?
p1705
aVSheldon Cooper:   You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Are you okay?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Fine. Whisper it.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Shotgun!
p1706
aVSheldon Cooper:   Any leads on who stole my things, Officer Hernandez?\u000aOfficer Hernandez:   Not yet.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You know, Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the possible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth. Have you tried that?\u000aOfficer Hernandez:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There are hundreds of books titled Sherlock Holmes. There are no books titled Officer Hernandez.
p1707
aVSheldon Cooper:   I feel renewed. I feel strong enough to take any new changes that come my way.\u000aPenny:   Hey, you're back!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You changed your hair. Your hair is different. I can't take this. I'm out.
p1708
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Line Substitution Solution (#9.23)"(2016)[first lines]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:  [Sheldon holds up a flash card] Helium.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000a[Penny holds up a picture flash card]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Taylor Swift.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000a[Sheldon holds up another card]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Pi.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes.\u000a[Penny holds up another picture]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Kardashian.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   More specific.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [after a pause] Khloé?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Yes!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloé.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:  [Sheldon holds up another card] Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'\u000a[Leonard enters]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What are you guys doing?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hnh. Let me try.\u000a[Sheldon and Penny each hold up a card]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?
p1709
aVSheldon Cooper:   Bad news. Amy's making me go shopping with her later, so... looks like none of us can go.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You do realize we're allowed to have fun without you,\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   In fact, that's usually the trick to it.
p1710
aVHoward Wolowitz:   We've waited in a lot of lines together, haven't we?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Yeah. Sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Waking up wondering which of those fans stole our wallets.
p1711
aVSheldon Cooper:   You need to go to the end of the line.\u000aTrevor:   Uh, who made you line monitor?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Mrs. Wuntch in fourth grade. My slogan was "A line that's straight is a line that's great."\u000aTrevor:  [to Leonard] Is this guy for real?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Boy, I wish I could say no.
p1712
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Middle Earth Paradigm (#1.6)"(2007)Sheldon:   I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?\u000aLeonard:   We're socializing. Meeting new people...\u000aSheldon:   Telepathically?
p1713
aVLeonard:   Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?\u000aSheldon:   Why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves?\u000aLeonard:   Because I'm Frodo!\u000aSheldon:   Yes... Well... I'm the doppler effect!
p1714
aVSheldon:   Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own... language if you will.\u000aLeonard:   Go on.\u000aSheldon:   Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group With the greeting: "How wasted am I?" which is met with an approving chorus of: "Dude!"\u000aLeonard:   Then what happens?\u000aSheldon:   That's as far as I've gotten.
p1715
aV[first lines]\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   OK, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paint-ball.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That was absolutely humiliating.\u000aLeonard:   Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.\u000aLeonard:   I think we have to acknowledge those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.\u000aSheldon:   No, we were annihilated by our own incompetent and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.\u000aLeonard:   Sheldon, let it go!\u000aSheldon:   No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   I shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.\u000aSheldon:   I was giving clear, concise orders.\u000aLeonard:   You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke; get the kid in the yarmulke!"
p1716
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Matrimonial Momentum (#9.1)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.
p1717
aVSheldon Cooper:   We make everyone feel awkward. That's our thing.
p1718
aVMary Cooper:   Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Wasn't Mary Magdelene a woman of ill repute?\u000aMary Cooper:   When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.
p1719
aVSheldon Cooper:  [on Madame Curie] She had a penis made of science.
p1720
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Fish Guts Displacement (#6.10)"(2012)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is. It's right behind\u000a[sings]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and\u000a[sings]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."\u000aSheldon Cooper,Leonard Hofstadter,Howard Wolowitz,Raj Koothrappali:   Turtle power!
p1721
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon. This isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, how can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Y-You- You want to rub something on my chest?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes. All over it.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:  [coughs] Maybe we should start with that.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Oh, I'm counting on it.
p1722
aVAmy Farrah Fowler:   I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You're sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon. Aren't you going to take care of me?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Me? No. No, I'm not that kind of doctor.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh. I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill. When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.
p1723
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'm going to draw you a soothing bath. Where's your bath thermometer?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't have a bath thermometer.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. Then I'm going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.
p1724
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Helium Insufficiency (#9.6)"(2015)Barry Kripke:   Be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you do the same for me?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Not a chance. Sorry, but he said to be honest, and mother always said that honesty is the best policy.
p1725
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   You can trust us, we're respected scientists.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, he is. I'm a wedding planner who can't find love himself.
p1726
aVSheldon Cooper:   He wears glasses, I'm a know-it-all. We're not built for prison.
p1727
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Conjugal Conjecture (#10.1)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   Why do people cry at weddings?\u000aMary Cooper:   They're practising for what's coming later.
p1728
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard! Leonard!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You realize you and I could become brothers?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   We're not going to be brothers; we're not going to be step-brothers. Go to sleep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I hope you're right, 'cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Go to sleep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   OK.\u000a[pause]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You think your father's doing unspeakable things to my mother?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Your parents are old; anything unspeakable was finished by .9:30. Go to sleep.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Very well.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:  [quietly to Penny] I'm sorry if this stuff is going to make the ceremony awkward.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Ah, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was going to make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.
p1729
aVSheldon Cooper:   So did you defile my mother or not?\u000aMary Cooper:   Sheldon! You're bein' rude!\u000aDr. Alfred Hofstadter:   If I may, I can assure you your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Did that conversation include the phrase 'your genitals are a joy to behold'?\u000aMary Cooper:   That's enough!\u000aDr. Alfred Hofstadter:   Look, I promise you neither I nor anyone has ever said that;\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   You don't know his girlfriend very well.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.
p1730
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Champagne Reflection (#8.10)"(2014)Amy Farrah Fowler:  [to Sheldon, who is dressed like Betsy Ross] Well, Betsy Ross. What are you working on?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [High-pitched voice] I have no idea, because the story of me sewing the first American flag is complete poppycock.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Then who did make the first American flag?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress...\u000a[normal voice]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   ... whose descendants are out to make a quick buck!
p1731
aVSheldon Cooper:   Now I'd like to welcome a very special guest. He put the Reading in your Rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte. Please welcome Mr. LeVar Burton.\u000aLeVar Burton:   Thank you, Sheldon. Now, you remember our deal.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   You do this and I erase all your contact information.\u000aLeVar Burton:   While...\u000aSheldon Cooper:   While you watch me do it.
p1732
aVSheldon Cooper:   I'd like to thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who by the way is the first woman to host a flag-related web series.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Take that, glass ceiling.
p1733
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Viewing Party Combustion (#9.21)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   A party sub implies it's a party.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Your attendance implies it's not.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.
p1734
aV[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Manbat is a part man part bat hybrid. Now, if Manbat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Manbatman;?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, he'd be Batmanbat.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   But wouldn't Manbatman just be a batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   But Batman is a man. You're talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That's just Manman.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Well, isn't Manman just Man?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, what if Manman dressed as a bat?\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Well, that's just Batman.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, if a man dresses as a bat, that's Batman, but if Manman dresses as a bat that's Batmanman.\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   So, does that answer your question?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I haven't asked it yet.
p1735
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [knock-knock-knock] Leonard.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard.\u000a[knock-knock-knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I never got to ask my question about Batman.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What is it?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   If Batman were bitten by a radioactive manbat and then fought crime disguised as Manbat, would he be Manbatmanbatman or simply Manbatmanbatbatman?\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Manbat suit?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'll be back.
p1736
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)"(2012)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [laughs] I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling!
p1737
aVSheldon Cooper:   Howard, you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Double-Bazinga! I do!
p1738
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [surprised] Are you drinking whiskey?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.\u000a[he takes a drink]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Jeepers, that's yucky!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?
p1739
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Platonic Permutation (#9.9)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   If there was a list of things that make me more comfortable, this list would be at the top of it.
p1740
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   So how did it go with Amy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine. It's comforting to know that Amy and I can still be friends.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   That's good. I could never be friends with any of my exes.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard can pull it off.
p1741
aVSheldon Cooper:   Amy, I excel at a great many things, but getting over you wasn't one of them. I think we should just stay friends.
p1742
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Junior Professor Solution (#8.2)"(2014)Howard Wolowitz:   Engineers are just as smart as physicists.\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [offended gasp] You take that back!
p1743
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why are you going to so much trouble to prove you're smarter than Wolowitz?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Oh, it's no trouble. It's actually a pleasure.
p1744
aVSheldon Cooper:  [Knock knock knock] Mrs. Davis?\u000a[knock knock knock]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Guess who?\u000aJanine Davis:   Dr. Cooper?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [Knock knock knock] That's right. Good job.
p1745
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)"(2009)[Penny enters]\u000aPenny:   Hi, guys.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Hello.\u000aPenny:   Yo, Raj, talk to me!\u000a[very long pause]\u000aPenny:   Nah, I'm sorry. Just screwin' with you.
p1746
aVSheldon Cooper:  [about being on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.
p1747
aVRaj Koothrappali:   Is that the president of the university?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   And the board of directors! Abort, abort!\u000aSheldon Cooper:   There is no abort.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Why not?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I made a boo-boo, okay.
p1748
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)"(2011)Sheldon Cooper:   For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
p1749
aVSheldon Cooper:   Geology isn't a real science!
p1750
aVSheldon Cooper:   I've decided my rank will be captain. If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it's good enough for me.
p1751
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Vartabedian Conundrum (#2.10)"(2008)[first lines]\u000aStephanie Barnett:   I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fuuh! You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Me, too.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Is it a high-frequency whistle?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.\u000aStephanie Barnett:   Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Then it must be a tumor.
p1752
aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Maybe it's'a residual bacterial infection from getting toilet swirlies.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It is possible. I got a lot of those. Even at church.\u000aStephanie Barnett:   If it's from a swirlie, I have something for that. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got a cootie shot.
p1753
aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [speaking via a computer] We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?\u000aPenny:   Hold on, I'll go check.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Some hiney would be nice.\u000a[Sheldon realizes his mistake right away]\u000aPenny:  [offended] Hiney?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [retypes] Honey.
p1754
aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)"(2011)Penny:  [about Leonard] So handsome! Like James Bond.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Better than James Bond, because he's tinier.
p1755
aVLeonard Hofstadter:  [sarcastically] You sound like you had a great night.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I did! How was yours?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What exactly do you mean by that?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.\u000a[Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   OW! Why did you do that?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   To send you a message. She is not for you!\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   NOT FOR YOU!
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)"(2013)Sheldon Cooper:   And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It-it's like a, an itch in my brain I can't scratch.
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aVLeonard Hofstadter:   Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Leonard. I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Yeah, what?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Seven years ago I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   What?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Ahhh! I... You... Ah... WHAT?\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   Sheldon, that was diabolical.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if your going to finally get satisfaction?\u000a[Amy just stares]
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The 2003 Approximation (#9.4)"(2015)[first lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   What a wonderful day; thank you.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Oh, we're glad you had fun\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,\u000a[points to his head]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm 90.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   I don't think that was the point of the movie.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.\u000aAmy Farrah Fowler:   There you go.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)"(2012)Penny:   Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.\u000a[Bernadette sashay's into the room]\u000aPenny:   Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.\u000a[Bernadette exits and Amy strides in]\u000aPenny:   And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.\u000a[Penny removes her coat]\u000aPenny:   And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.
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aVStuart:   What's wrong with Christmas?\u000aSheldon Cooper:  [wearily] Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Pirate with a peg leg?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Actually, that helps. Thank you.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Separation Oscillation (#9.2)"(2015)Sheldon Cooper:   The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.
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aVPenny Hofstadter:   Sheldon, I can't believe you got us a wedding gift.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't know why you're so surprised. I watch movies. I see what people do.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Convergence Convergence (#9.24)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   Good news. I just got off the phone with my mother; she is coming to the wedding.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   OK, loo- you're inviting people to *our* wedding?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yes, I'm inviting people to *our* wedding.
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aV[last lines]\u000aSheldon Cooper:   She's still not answering.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   My father's not texting me back.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:  [singsong] 'Cause they both turned their phones off.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I don't like this at all.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   I don't like it either.\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   Really?\u000a[bursts out laughing]\u000aPenny Hofstadter:   'Cause I love it!
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Focus Attenuation (#8.5)"(2014)Leonard Hofstadter:  [Looking at their invention journal] Boy, I haven't looked at these in years. Let's see... robot girlfriend...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   That was mine.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Robot prostitute...\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   Also mine.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   I'm confused. Why would you have both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?\u000aHoward Wolowitz:   There are some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.\u000aRaj Koothrappali:   Boy, when Howard married Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.
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aVSheldon Cooper:   I have long suspected that the idea of an African-American President was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)"(2013)[first lines]\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, will you steam my uniform next?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.\u000aPenny:   Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Oh, thanks; I thought I had more.\u000aPenny:   Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.\u000aPenny:   I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.\u000aPenny:   Is that better?\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   So to answer your question, no, it's not better.\u000aPenny:   Well then why are you going?\u000aSheldon Cooper:   It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.
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aV"Family Guy: Business Guy (#8.9)"(2009)Sheldon Cooper:   I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nano-grams.\u000aLeonard Hofstadter:   Sheldon, that's less than two pounds.\u000aSheldon Cooper:   Sounded better the way I said it.
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aV"The Big Bang Theory: The Dependence Transcendence (#10.3)"(2016)Sheldon Cooper:   Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?\u000aSuperhero:   You bet.\u000aSuperhero:   You know why Hulk is so strong?\u000aSuperhero:   Steroids.\u000aSuperhero:   You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights?\u000aSuperhero:   Scotch.
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aV
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a.